|Reviews for First Kiss|
| blah chapter 1 . 12/30/2010
thirty? FORTY? He isn't forty, I think he's only acouple of years older than her, maybe four.
| Flower chapter 2 . 11/24/2010
I like this warm and romantic feeling in you artical!…I don't know what to say.I'm just here to have a try to review this is the first time I do English is not so good.
I'll support Arthur and Ariadne forever!
| Epic-Azn-Failure chapter 2 . 10/31/2010
Cute, super cute. Hope you write more fanfictions.
| Cassiopeia7 chapter 2 . 10/31/2010
OMFG WHY DOES IT STOP THERE?
i can't wait to read more :)
and i'll love you forever 3
| Fan Fan Girl chapter 1 . 8/26/2010
SO I TAKE IT YOU LOVED "INCEPTION" TOO? XD
But, dang! Our OTPs are different in this fandom! I like Arthur/Ariadne as a one-sided crush (that kiss was absolutely adorable!), but my real passion is some nice, subtle, subdued Ariadne/Cobb.
Still, great job here. I know I said this before, but your writing has definitely matured over the past year. For example, I thought your control of Ariadne as a character is pretty good. It isn't hard to imagine her becoming frustrated by the "unsolvable puzzle" that is Arthur's actions. After all, she's the architect of the group. It's her JOB to be able to create, manipulate, and solve puzzles. The trouble is that this one isn't physical, it's mental... Literally and emotionally.
I like the paragraph on Arthur, too. It really captures his talented, hardworking side. And the part about his loyalty struck home for me because that's how I see him, personally. (Even when he questioned Cobb in the movie, you knew it was because he cared. :3)
One thing that struck me as a little odd, however, was this: [How old was he? Who knows, he could be in his thirties, forties...! Either way, a match like that would have everyone's disapproval.]
You think Arthur was that old? I thought he looked fairly young in the film... maybe in his late twenties at the oldest... *scratches head* Hmm.
Another thing kind of bothered me as I was reading the fic. I have some constructure criticism for you, but it's two-fold, so bear with me.
[Ariadne could have easily said no when he requested her to kiss him, yet she obeyed the command as if a driving force possessed her to do it. Was it because of the dangerous subconscious that was slowly knowing of their appearance? Technically, it all was a dream, yet as she felt his lips on hers... why did they feel so warm? He was slippery, avoiding problems here and there, including physical blows. His totem, the loaded die suited him well. Yet when it came to work with the Inception and helping his fellow men, he stayed sharp. He was focused. His aim precise and carefully thought out. The point man was loyal. Never leaving his colleagues' sides and staying out till the end of the fight. At times, he couldn't help himself and ran away the moment he was hunted down, but his loyalty to the gang was deeper than his desire to take a bag loaded with dollar bills that was sitting in front of him.]
If I were you, I would split the paragraph in two, at this junction:
[Technically, it all was a dream, yet as she felt his lips on hers... why did they feel so warm?
He was slippery, avoiding problems here and there, including physical.]
I would recommend this for two reasons, which could be applied this story as well any others that you have written in the past.
First, because in its current location, your readers may misinterpret the meaning of the word "slippery." You see, when reading a story, your audience is constantly building up images in their heads based on what you have written previously. They check these images against every new sentence they come across, and this way they create a "big picture" in their minds composed of various story elements, including plot, characterization, mood, etc.
In this case, the image of Arthur kissing Ariadne and the described sensation of the warmth of his lips are the elements your audience focuses on when reading the first half of this paragraph. But the very next thing they come across is "He was slippery," and when they check this new description against the ones they just read, their minds will automatically try to create a mental image that satisfies both sentences. Which means, in the case of these two, that your audience might think that Arthur's slipperiness has something to do with his kissing...
One way to prevent awkward mental pictures of Arthur slobbering on Ariadne is to separate the paragraphs into two like I suggested. This way, a gap between the images is created. Your audience will be able to process the first image, pause for a split second, and then move on to processing the next one. The effect is that the images feel separated. Even though barely a split second passes as the eyes of your readers jump from one paragraph to the next, rhythmically it's enough.
Another way to keep people from understanding "slippery" wrong is to change the word altogether. A good writer is one that understands the nuances of the words they use. By anticipating what your readers will feel when faced by a certain word or turn of phrase, you can begin to mold your sentences into mood-creating, tone-setting devices. Words aren't just there to move the plot along. Choose them wisely, and your readers will be even more involved in your story.
My second reason for suggesting that you separate the paragraph into two is that it will make things clearer. In nonfiction writing, paragraphs are normally used like building blocks that contain ideas, arranged so that readers can follow the author's train of thought easiliy. Now, fiction is a lot different than nonfiction, but when it comes to paragraphing it adheres to the same general rules. In stories, paragraphs are normally dedicated to a single action, internalization, or idea.
In the paragraph cited above, you start out talking about Ariadne's response to Arthur's kiss. But by the end of it, Arthur's personality is being examined, and the reader is once again left trying to figure out how to make the subjects agree with each other. You can help your audience out by relegating them into two different paragraphs and thereby distinguishing them as separate ideas.
And that's all I have to say about that! Hopefully all I just said makes sense. I tried to give advice that would be helpful in the future, too, not just in this story, so sorry if I came across as being long-winded. Heh heh...
But even though I ranted a lot about just one paragraph, overall I still feel positive about the fic. Can't wait until you post the next chapter! Keep writing, Mokona!
| WhenTheBloodMoonDies chapter 1 . 8/11/2010
Woah, nice chappie! Great job with the Ariadne POV!
| Arugula Pacioli chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
cute, can't wait for the actual kiss:D
| impossiblypossible chapter 1 . 8/8/2010
I loved this! It was really cute! Can't wait for more!