|Reviews for Wretched, Pitiful, Poor, Blind and Naked|
| Long story chapter 2 . 9/28/2012
I like the narration of the story for some undefined reasons. Maybe because I love seeing sprinkles of words that I don't recognize yet they're not those fancy words which only make for superficial poeticness. Or maybe it was because I was able to picture the scenes pretty much effortlessly. Or maybe because I didn't catch a hint of amateurism here (such as noticeably unvarying sentence structure and cliche descriptions) which mysteriously made it look professional to me.
I like the dialogues too (I mean the spoken line, not how the lines were presented). The presence of informal element make the story more youthful and closer to Suite Life atmosphere.
However, the way the dialogues were presented confused me. Some times when three people were involved, I didn't know who was the one speaking.
| peacewithoutawar chapter 2 . 6/18/2012
Wow. this was amazing.
Is Zack alive or dead? Is he like a ghost or stuck in time, or is he just saying/ feeling that without anyone he loves that time is nothing? I really wanna know, any way u can Pm me?
| owlhero chapter 2 . 4/2/2011
That was not how I expected to be.
I feel sad for zack since the part he gave way when he tried to support himself could be part of the control system of the ship. He seems the type to blame himself for everything when a person gets hurt considering he was a troublemaker in the past and other blame him for stuff and thus he puts the blame on himself for the accident.
I love how you the hallways and Zack as he went through the stream trying to get to Cody's room. I love the fresh mulch one considering with the stream in the rooms. I can only imagine dead bodies do when exposed to superheated stream to a time period and that phrase helps tremendously.
Zack struggling to get to the door and suffering from the heat and with his senses was perfect.
I always how you describe the surrounding environment of a person in a scene in a story. The scene with Maya and Zack on the deck proves this with the wind and the movement of the water in the pool. Its makes abstract but it moves me closer to the story.
The scene in the enigne was heart breaking becuase Zack does not understand why he did the things he does in his life.
The title of the story is even heart breaking when you realize its somebody's self-incrimination of themselves and their own souls for their actions.
At least there's a possibility of Maya staying around to get him through this if he does not get thrown into jail that is.
| owlhero chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
Zack caught in his PJs. How funny.
I love how youu describe the party with everything in a daze like excitement with the new year coming and the confetti reflecting off the stage lights. Which in some places I have been in definitely true.
Zack walking barefoot in an engine room not the smartest thing that he could think of.
A trip to a haunted engine room sounds like a perfect way to start a new year and connecting back to the series was great.
Its mysterious the way you wrote the end and knowing you, you have something planned in connection to it.
| Wyntirsno chapter 2 . 11/12/2010
This chapter confused me. Was Zack a ghost? Was he living a time loop, like when they went over the international date line? Was he one of those ghosts that just keeps reliving everything over and over again? I only ask all that because of your very last sentence. Poor Cody and Bailey, they never knew what hit them did they? And poor Zack he is soooo depressed and alone. It was a good story and a confusing last chapter.
| StarLily1Dfan chapter 2 . 9/10/2010
I hate to think of Zack spending the rest of his life torturing himself to the point of madness wondering if he caused the steam flood by grabbing onto the mystery metallic object when the lights went out near the end of Chapter 1... but alas it seems inevitable. Even though the lights went out before he touched the object, the inevitably cannot be shaken. The final lines reinforce the tragic, with Zack and Maya already being separated and whatever future left to Zack stretching out bleakly before him. Zack's overall bleakness is well expressed throughout this chapter, from the choice of words to the varied sentence styles to the plot itself.
| StarLily1Dfan chapter 1 . 9/10/2010
So far it sounds like a normal New Year's party on deck, with merry-making (very lively description of the celebration on the Gala Deck) and boot-knocking, plus some sneaking around. But I know there's got to be a catch...
| the-lovely-anomaly chapter 2 . 8/27/2010
Wow. I certainly did not expect that (I applaud you for surprising me). Nine hundred people died - damn, that's devastating. And one of those people was Cody. Poor Zack.
Overall, this story ended with a great deal of ambiguity as to what *actually* happened, but I think that is as it should be considering the summary/tagline: "Not everything is knowable." Very true words, and a good way to convey them.
I must comment once more on your style. It's rich in detail, yet devoid of much emotion...which is quite unusual but it works really well here. And interestingly enough, despite the lack of lack of feeling in the narration, this story brought out many feelings in me.
| the-lovely-anomaly chapter 1 . 8/27/2010
Creepy. I take it they disturbed a ghost, or, some kind of supernatural being. I really enjoyed reading this. You have a very unique style of writing that I found thoroughly engrossing. Nice descriptions and dialogue.
I wonder what Zack, Maya, and Sloane's little misadventure will entail.
I'm onto the next chapter...
| tiger002 chapter 2 . 8/26/2010
Well that certainty wasn't what I was expecting... I'm not sure I like how the story went or not, but I have to admit it was done well. You showed the story devoid of emotion, but at the same time you brought it across. Nice job.
I think I found where you got the title from too; Revelation 3:17 If you planned it, that really adds to the symbolism here, something rarely seen at such a deep level on the site. Great story here, and I hope you continue writing more stories.
| Hailfax-McGee chapter 2 . 8/20/2010
Another good chapter. I really like your writing style. When it was revealed that Cody was dead it was brutally flat and forward. It struck me as odd that Zack didn't react any stronger to the news though. This story is really interesting. I'm looking forward to more.
| Hailfax-McGee chapter 1 . 8/12/2010
Well this was very good. Awesome imagery in the beginning, all the way through even. Vivid details.
"...under the dull yellow glow of the moon and no stars and the flat half-dollar glow of the moon." You might want to settle for dull yellow or half-dollar, not both. I'm sure it just escaped your eyes, words have a way of doing that to their writers.
You wrote that first paragraph like I write my non-fan fiction story first paragraphs... lots of adjectives and adverbs.
"...partying, getting shitfaced, doing God knows what with God knows who." Sounds like Zack. Love that you used shitfaced, that's one adjective that eludes me usually.
I love the vocab in this, you clearly have a very large vocab or you're well-versed in the 'synonyms' tool in Microsoft Word.
Will there be more to this? More chapters? I hope so.
Question... do YOU believe in ghosts?
My god, I've used only 1/10th of what I could write for a review. Good job, you've left me wanting more.
| Wyntirsno chapter 1 . 8/12/2010
Ok good start, did they disturb the ghost? Poor Zack going around barefoot, no telling what he could have stepped on in there. Can;t wait to see what happens next.
| tiger002 chapter 1 . 8/12/2010
I'd say that this doesn't seem to exciting, but I know you well enough to know you are setting up something big. I thought something was going to happen there and Zack and Maya would die, but then I realized this wasn't a one shot.
Are the words in the title describing the characters? Five words, and five characters would seem to fit, possibly describing how they will die. I'm guessing there is a ghost involved in some way, possibly killing them one by one. Maybe I'm getting too far ahead, but I look forward to where this will go. You really have a knack for writing suspense.