|Reviews for Something's Got To Give|
| DreamUnicorn247 chapter 13 . 4/13/2013
PLEASE PLEASE UPDATE! :))
| write2breathe chapter 13 . 10/3/2011
Sooo I like this story too!
A few spelling and grammar error are all I found. (BTW, in your other story I found Emily's name in there. Forgot to tell you!)
More description for the dialogue would be nice. I like to hear the tones, facial expressions and such.
Personally, I think that the relationship developed way too fast (unless you were going for that) and Emily seems pretty shallow. Mostly because I can't believe someone breaking up with her boyfriend over him saving his tennis team from a menace ._.; of course, that might be part of the plot too .
Either way, I'll continue to read! The flow is steady, so a bit more description would make it a lot easier on the eyes ;)
Keep up the good work Coco!
| kittaynumnums chapter 13 . 8/7/2011
More chappies plzz~! w i wuv this~ especially the part where Kin-chan: "Tooyama gasped, his eyes wide. He slowly crept toward Yukimura and raised his arm.
Yukimura raised an eyebrow at the red haired boy. "What are you doing?" he asked as Tooyama poked him.
"Ahh! I touched God! I get to live forever!" he screamed running away." EPIKKKK! XDDDDD Oooooo~! I really like the part from: "Shiraishi Kuranosuke, I'm going to murder you!" to "Fine, stupid, mean person." Funnay~! And reading this story makes me feel like im watching a drama XDD like the reallyyy dramatic korean ones w
| ai-chan97 chapter 13 . 5/7/2011
OH NO! A cliffie! I get the feeling that there's more angst to come...Please Update soon! Can't wait to see what happens..XD
| SunneRaine chapter 5 . 3/24/2011
Okay, I read up to CH5 because that’s all I have time for right now. I may or may not continue reading. You have a decent beta, just so you know. I’ve read some of her fics and have been meaning to review them. In the fic in general, I detect some of the same mistakes I see in several other OC fics.
First, I need to say that this OC plot is so overused that I flinched when I read the summary. I think every other Yukimura OC fic has some sporty girl in rehab along with him. You picked an extremely hard plot to write well.
Your OC is not a Sue, which is an achievement. Congrats. I like how she’s rebellious, but she has some inconsistencies in her characterization. She doesn’t seem to take her training very seriously, even though she gives Yukimura advice to. You try to explain that she “has time to waste” and “no one waiting for her”, but that doesn’t explain why she sabotages her training. I see where you’re trying to go with this, but you have to EXPAND. You have a great idea right here, you just need to execute it better. For example, get into her feelings. Does she sabotage her training in order to delay going back home where her parents are? Put in flashbacks with her parents, or stuff that shows she’s alone. Off the top of my head, maybe a scene where she is hitting a ball against a wall near street tennis courts. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees other people playing one another. All she has is a wall. Stuff like that. You’ve got to beef up your ideas.
Did you know that it’s possible for OC characters to be OOC? I think Emily is in danger of this right now. She doesn’t seem to takes things seriously, and yet she takes Yukimura’s “promise” VERY seriously. If you want to go with this, you need to get into her thoughts and feelings. Give us some insight. Why does she believe him? Is it the sincerity in his voice? His charming voice? Is it because he’s her first love so she’s a bit naïve when it comes to boys? Is she naturally trusting? TELL US MORE.
The story is too fast paced. You’re shoving the romance in our faces. This can ruin a good story. He kisses her in the THIRD chapter. Hello. People don’t fall in love that quickly. And even if they do, you need to SHOW that. Give them more interactions. Why does he like her? Why does she like him? Appearance? Personality? Again, IMAGERY. I want to FEEL the romantic tension in the air in their interactions. If you ever want to read a good example of romantic tension, I suggest reading fyerigurl’s To Catch A Falling Star. It’s an OC girl team fic with great imagery.
Yukimura is out of character. First, when he admits he’s a miracle kid. C’mon, that guy is humble as HECK. You did a decent job with portraying his dissatisfaction towards the training menu, but it wasn’t quite ENOUGH. Show me ANGER. Show me WISTFUL. Get down to the nitty gritty. You’re trying to write about this tennis genius who has been cut down in his prime. He’s obviously mad because he could do so much MORE before he developed the disease. Have flashbacks comparing his training THEN to the training NOW. Have him get angry at how his capabilities have fallen. Show me emotion.
You rely a lot on dialogue. This is understandable, since you base it off of a manga/anime. However, your writing lacks a lot of description. If you want to be a better writer, I suggest beefing up your language. I want to SEE the scene happen before my eyes. I want to FEEL it happen. Put in little bits and pieces of description. What her eyes are like. What his hair looks like in the afternoon sun. Does she have little habits when she talks? What does she LOOK like? I can’t even conjure up an image of your OC right now. I like how you don’t try to shove traits and hair colors in our faces, but it’d be nice to mention them once in a while. Ie, “his blue eyes twinkled playfully”, “she ran her fingers through her brown hair”. ETC ETC.
You made an attempt at imagery in the beginning:
“He noted how the walls where a pale shade, the lighting was dim, and that the place seemed to invoke happy feelings in people.”
Sometimes when describing things, there needs to be a point. Your sentence structure here suggests that the “happy feelings” were invoked by the dim lighting and pale shade. Not that it isn’t possible, it’s just… kind of strange. PAINT THE SCENE. Invoke happy feelings? Maybe have him notice children’s laughter, or that the patients always seemed to be smiling, or that the flowers on the window shade were a bright, happy yellow that seemed lift his spirits. THAT’S how you describe “invoking” happy feelings. DESCRIPTION DESCRIPTION DESCRIPTION.
Some technical errors:
It’s unrealistic that he can return to Rikkai in one week, first of all. Maybe change this so that it’s suggested he was doing rehab somewhere else beforehand?
American people introduce themselves first name first. “Emily Roberts.” Like “Kevin Smith” in the original PoT Anime. She’s still “Roberts-san” but she’d be introduced as “Emily Roberts.”
But yeah. All in all, I think you picked a very hard plot to execute. However, seeing as I don’t have a big problem with your character, you have a shot at making this work. Work on your imagery and description and character development, and we’ll see.
| rebirthreborn chapter 13 . 2/15/2011
Sorry that it took me a while to review. I reread the previous chapter before this.
Kin-chan mechya kawaai ya~ (Kin-chan is so cute~) well, a bit similiar to Bakaya ;D
This chapter is full of drama. You wrote it really well.
Will wait for the next chapter.
| smartgirl28 chapter 13 . 2/11/2011
I can't understand the end part. What did she mean? Oh my, UPDATE SOON! I'm going crazy! :)
| smartgirl28 chapter 12 . 2/11/2011
Aww. I could imagine Seiichi's breaking down tone. And it makes me cry. But Em's feeling is also sad. I couldn't help but feel sad for both of them. I wonder what Revelation is about to be unmasked. Well, I'm looking forward to it! SO PLEASE DO UPDATE SOON! :) I Like your story, BTW.
| smartgirl28 chapter 11 . 2/11/2011
I feel Em's loneliness. Seiichi don't dare break your promise twice! Excellent chapter, BTW. ;)
| smartgirl28 chapter 10 . 2/11/2011
Hahahahahaha! :)) I love Seiichi's OVER-protectiveness! COOL! Haha. ;) I could imagine him doing that! And mixed that action with his eerie smile. :)
| smartgirl28 chapter 9 . 2/11/2011
LOL. :) So that was it? Haha. SO HE WAS JEALOUS. I almost rolled on the floor trying to imagine Yukimura's blushed face! Well, at least they're together once again!
| smartgirl28 chapter 8 . 2/11/2011
Hey, hey, hey. Did I just read that right? Waaah, SEIICHI KISSED ANOTHER GIRL? WHAT? Okay, before I go insane with that, I wanted to say that Niou is really the party popper! :D I love his fun attitude! :D Especially his insane, stupid comments! :)))))
| smartgirl28 chapter 7 . 2/11/2011
Such a dramatic chappie. :( I almost cried. Especially when Seiichi asked Emily "Do you hate me?" Waaah. :(( Good chappie, BTW.
| smartgirl28 chapter 6 . 2/11/2011
"Nonsense. Mura-buchou obviously really likes this girl and didn't want us to know because he was worried we'd scare her off with our awesome skills," Niou said finishing with a pose.
I could imagine Niou saying that! LOL. )))))) Hahahaha.
Seiichi's jealous! XD
| smartgirl28 chapter 5 . 2/11/2011
Waah! Seiichi, you jerk! What happened to him? : I thought he wasn't gonna hurt her? He didn't keep his promise. It was a pretty short-lived promise which was not kept!