|Reviews for Second Death|
| RonHeartbreaker chapter 6 . 7/3/2011
"You'll be grounded until you feel strong enough to leave the house." You, KiY, have a knack for snappy dialogue.
I have to be straight with you - this story is very dissonant at times. Some of the characters' reactions to the situation seem unnatural (the Stoppables' daughter returns from the grave but they just accept that they should wait a while to visit her in the hospital?), the tone varies widely, you snap from love/care/concern to the hate-filled exchanges that prompt Ron's MMP, and the conclusion is off the chain given what's come before. Plus your traditional habit of not really saying who's speaking (and occasionally putting one person's actions and another person's words on the same line) lead to much confusion with the ensemble cast.
So...not my favorite work of yours. But it certainly moves along the extraordinary tale of Possible Manor, and has a number of good lines.
| RonHeartbreaker chapter 5 . 7/3/2011
"She got better."
I'm curious how you'll play this in the rest of the tale, but the idea that only through abuse and hate can the MMP be called forth from Ron - well, it's kind of disturbing and frankly shattered the atmosphere of concern and compassion that you've otherwise created in this story. Although Bonnie's and Jacob's reactions to Ronin also were kind of jarring. I'm curious to see what happens next.
| RonHeartbreaker chapter 2 . 7/3/2011
Hmmm...I've always struggled to keep track of the many, many changes that happen in your universe over the passage of time.
One false note in this chapter: with Hana dying, Ron doesn't stay with his parents to comfort them/draw comfort from them? Seems problematic. At least you do at one point have him feel some guilt over that.
Bonnie's doing some serious conclusion-jumping here.
| RonHeartbreaker chapter 1 . 7/3/2011
No one expects the Spanish inquisition!
Sorry, had to write that, of course.
A lean, foreboding opening. Can Ron master the MMP in time?
| Alex chapter 6 . 11/15/2010
You packed a lot of drama into a six chapter story. The emotional scene between Hiro and Ron in chapter five was damn near overwhelming.
Over all, I really enjoyed this one and I'm happy to see you tie up so many loose ends.
| Thomas Linquist chapter 6 . 11/2/2010
I'm so glad that Hana will stay with us, though there will be so much for her to get used to. Well, I'm sure the girls will get her straightened around.
Looks like Ronin is a wanted man. Wanted by everyone. He is going to have to make his choices known and known soon. I do think it might be safer to have him stay in Ron's old room for a while. No point tempting Sheki beyond the point of breaking.
Maybe now Hirotaka can rest a little easier in his roll as Sensei.
| noncynic chapter 6 . 9/13/2010
Very well done! I do like your development of the various characters' personalities.
| sweetPixiesmile chapter 5 . 9/13/2010
I cried when Hana spoke too.
Yay for eleventh hour saves!
Noted a typo with Hirotaka's name (do you know someone named Hirotaku? I sometimes mistype names when my mind is wandering or I know someone with a similar name.)
Reading Hirotaka's goading Ron was hard; was it hard to write? Anyway, I already read the next chapter, but I wanted to drop a line on this one.
I'm so glad Hana didn't die.
| Mr. Wizard chapter 6 . 9/12/2010
Conversation after wonderful conversation. All kinds of revelations and a bit of...you know. Liked the way you set all the kids up for the next step in their lives. Well done.
| Alexander - Godslayer chapter 6 . 9/12/2010
Sigh… well… that was a nice ending. I certainly can’t deny that. I didn’t like all of it, but I’m struggling to be somewhat objective.
I should probably start off with what I liked most. And that is likely one of the earliest scenes. The one of Hirotaka and Ronin at the hospital. Probably one of the best father/son moments I’ve seen in quite a long while.
Following to that there is the conversation between Ron and Hirokata, with both admitting their weaknesses and respecting one another. That one truly marks some character development for them, and puts Ron in a much better light than what the previous chapter left it in.
Ron’s feelings regarding Ronin surely sounded well handled, and also how Bonnie and everyone else got involved. But boy, Shego surely was quite a jerk upon learning the news.
All in all, that much was my favored part of the chapter.
Also, Ronin getting a job at the hospital sounds like it’s gonna be good for him. Interesting to see a child of Ron playing out like this. I also was glad to hear about his background. After all this, he certainly became quite an interesting character.
Yet, despite that… I don’t think I can say I’m glad for the “rest” of the chapter. But when it comes down to it, I’m probably the least proper one to comment about this, my biases are just too much. I wish I could be more objective about this, but I honestly can’t help feeling bitter because what I had in mind wasn’t what happened. I will, though, blame you for rising up my hopes by making me think Sheki/Hana was what was going to happen with your comment to the “Sakura” pic in DeviantART. Seriously, for what you said back then it honestly sounded like I had hit right on the nail regarding their relationship, which I really wasn’t expecting up ‘til your comment. And well, I wouldn’t be feeling so disappointed if it wasn’t for that.
Yes, I know I really got no right to complain, nor to demand or anything for that matter. And I’m really not. I’m just expressing my feelings and being honest. However you want to develop the story is up to you and I’m no one to judge. And maybe with time the Ronin/Sheki romance might grow on me. But for now, well, better have someone else other than me judging whenever it seems well built so far or not. Sorry I can’t do much for this.
Now. I’m not saying I will… because I can never predict how my writing will work out (or how to make it work to begin with), but in case my muses coordinate just right, would it be okay if I write something of an alternative route to the series that ends with Sheki/Hana? I just feel this plotbunny won’t stop bouncing in my head until I do something about it, and I get the feeling making another picture of the couple might just not be enough to calm it down. Just… asking how you’d feel about that, I guess.
That aside and back to the chapter: I can’t complain about the writing. Every part felt well done and I believe for the most part, everything drove the feelings the way it was meant to.
But there’s still one critic I got to make regarding this whole arc: I don’t think there was ever given a good reason as to why Toshimiru ever had to return to the present day to begin with. I just feel that transition kinda lacks a point beyond explaining Hana’s origin and bringing about all this drama. Not that the story was bad, but it feels like there is a plot-hole at the base of it all.
And well. By the end, “Second Death” had its ups and downs – at least for me – but I personally consider it one of the emotionally strongest episodes of the series, and a good attribute for the series development as well.
EXTRA NOTES: I noticed a few changed words in this chapter, but no notable changes. That aside, you DID get the reviews at the Slash Haven too, right? Anyway, after all this time: Again, loving the Best Enemies series.
Yours, “Hopeless Shipper” Alexander/Alexlayer.
| Hobbes the Cat chapter 6 . 9/12/2010
That was so awesome. Fantastic story all around. I usually read all your stuff, but don't review much. Thought i'd change that for this one. I have been semi-patiently waiting for each chapter of this story. I must say that although I suck at waiting, every chapter had been worth it. Love your stuff & hope you keep it up.
| List of Romantics chapter 6 . 9/11/2010
It began with a nightmare situation and ended with a nightmare situation... of a sort ;3 I applaud your fortitude, KiY. As a parent, what's more terrifying than teenage sex (especially when it's yours)? LOL!
Frankly, I couldn't write that. Not that I'm prudish (many here can attest to that, yourself included), but my, how the writer's mind does wander back and forth from fiction to horrors(?) of reality. And that's why I NEVER want children! LOL!
If only there were some way for them to jump from the age of 12 to somewhere around 22 and just skip all that pesky stuff in the middle...
How do you ever get to sleep at night, sir? ;3
| noncynic chapter 5 . 9/8/2010
See how it was hard to write. Was expecting something like this, but not the way it came about. The explanation shoul dbe interesting, and any long term consequences to how it happened. Good read.
| Well of Silence chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
Truthfully, i was half hoping that it was all some trick concluding the great lie they had told ron all those years ago and that it was now hanas time to Take the monkey power from ron and that theyd find rons headless body floating in middleton lake the following morning ... bah cant have everything i suppose:P GREAT story anyway :)))
| Alexander - Godslayer chapter 5 . 9/4/2010
Okay, this was… amazing…
Never thought I’d admire Hirokata so much. Damn that was a dangerous “solution” he came up with, risking everything in an all or nothing bet. I… am not sure how much I can say. The ambiguity of the method for resurrection bugs me a bit. I mean, all in all, Mystical Monkey Power can resurrect the… semi-dead? That’s it? I… sorta hoped for something a bit more rational, something that at least made a bit of sense, but I guess that with how well drama played I can forgive it. This time.
Also, I guess I gotta congratulate using two characters’ flaws for the sake of a greater good. That’s really hard to find, and I believe even harder to play well.
Jacob and Rachel keep being emotionally heavy, though their role felt rather short. Really curious about how everyone’s going to react to the truth behind Ronin. Specially Ron.
And speaking about Ronin, neither this chapter nor your reply ever told me whenever Ronin is blonde or dark haired yet. U
But oh well, all in all, at least it seems Hana will be okay… or so I hope, dammit. I’m kinda writing this review on a rush because I’m really anxious about the next chapter. How’s everyone gonna react to the news regarding Hana and all that. Well, I think I covered everything of this chapter already right? Okay, flying to the ending now!
HALT! I’m forgetting something…
Ahem, I’m… unsure here. But was the climax the hard part to write you felt troubled with? Because if that’s it, I personally think it played out greatly. Pretty good climax overall. Or am I confused there? Well… waiting for the answer.
EXTRA NOTE: Again, didn't find any changes made to the chapter. That aside, not that I'm urging a reply (take your time), but you did get to read the Triple Review I sent as a PM at the Slash Haven, right?
Yours, “Fast like a Ninja” Alexander/Alexlayer.