|Reviews for The Glorious Unfortunate Wonders Of A History Book|
| Ninja Cat of Light chapter 9 . 4/23/2012
Yay it lives :D happy to see this updated and can't wait for more. Can't wait to hear what Vincent has to say about all of the characters of past. Don't leave everyone hanging too long.
| Anon chapter 9 . 4/22/2012
This story so far is fairly interesting. I like the use of a history book as the plot device and the interactions between Rebbeca and Vincent. However, the grammar use is a little... dubious.
E.g. The sentence "...she begun rubbing her neck in he didn't respond,..." could have been better phrased as "...she begun rubbing her neck, and when he didn't respond..." or "...she begun rubbing her neck. When he didn't respond..."
E.g. "...she looked for signed if he was lying..." could be "...she looked for signs that he was lying..."
Other that these, the story seems pretty interesting, something that I would like to continue reading. Keep up the good work! :D
| Miss Valkyrie chapter 1 . 6/14/2011
Grammar: (I'm not the expert, but these are my best educated guesses concerning the spelling and grammatical errors; don't only take my word for it)
1.3: I'd take out the comma after "stopped", there's no real reason for it.
2.1: The use of the word "faded" is too close to its original use, I'd omit one of them or sub for a different word. Also, the last comma after the "gold text" can be changed to a ":". The comma after "reading" can be removed.
2.2: Comma behind "slightly humorous"
3.1: Semicolon after "glazed over" instead of the comma. "though" for "Thought". Add a comma after "thought".
4.1: Omit the comma after "arm lifted".
5.3: Instead of a comma after "she whispered", I'd sub it for "and", though I'm not super positive on the grammatical stand on that. It reads funny. You can also sub the comma after "open book" for a semicolon.
6.2: "asked librarian" - asked THE librarian
7.1: Omit the comma after "area".
7.3: Need a comma after "she stopped" and remove the comma between "dropping" and "the old" - "she stopped, almost dropping the old book."
8.1: Remove the comma between "knee" and "to pick up". I'd then trade the comma after "ground" for a period, capitalize "She stared", and remove the comma after "before", then add a comma after "running away". - "She stared at it excitedly before standing and quickly running away, clutching booth the book and the peculiar orb."
9.1: I think you need a comma after "one story".
9.3: "She fumbled" - fumbling.
10.4: comma after "brown eyed".
10.5: "appeared" is used twice in the same sentence. Either omit one, or change it.
11.1: lowercase the "w" on "What is it?". Move "Rebbeca [...]" to its own paragraph after dialogue. "as she clutching the book" - clutched. "Sorry Sweetie [...]" would also then become its own line.
Content: Now remember to take what everyone says to you with a grain of salt as far as content. Everyone has their own preferences for style. One person may love how you write, another may hate it. In the end, it's all just opinion though. So, if I say something you disagree with, you are more than welcome to just ignore me. I'm not the end all say on writing.
You're taking a risk by opening with the OC, and that's fine, just you need to do special things to deliver that punch. Make us care RIGHT away about this OC.
As it stands right now, I assume the OC is childlike but with some strange intelligence due to the fact that you underlined how "humorous" the scene looks, and how the book looked like a "scholar" book.
In those assumptions for this character, I'm being told - not shown - information on a character. I'm being TOLD she's smart because she's reading a really impressive book.
I find, in almost all cases, that being SHOWN something is much more powerful than being told. You can show Rebbeca is smart by having her use big words in speech, or using the description and having her surrounded by large volumes of textbooks, instead of telling us how silly she looks reading a grown-up book.
You SHOW us that Rebbeca is childlike by swinging her legs, you don't really need to tells us that that makes her "seem like a young child". To reinforce that assumption, you could just give her more childlike attributes.
Which could be fun to juxtapose against her intelligence. If she does things like skip, frolic, and hum; while being able to recite the last 1,000 years of history on Gaia, that's pretty hilarious.
The pace for this chapter is a little strange. You have such a drawn out opening, of really describing the scene, the color of clothing, telling us about the character - and then suddenly, as soon as Rebbeca exits the library, everything goes into hyper drive.
She walks home. Find's a shiny. Talks to Annie about said shiny. Gets to keep it. And runs to her room. All in the same pace as the above library scene.
Your points are coming across, but they seems o trivial and passing, that I can't understand why it matters. Why do we care that Annie is Rebbeca's caregiver? Why do we care that she doesn't know what the orb is? Why do we care that Rebbeca even found it?
It all happens so fast. If you want to draw focus to something, like Rebbeca finding the orb, slow down your pacing and really divulge into that scene.
Does Rebbeca feel something when she picks up the orb? Yes, she's excited - but WHY is she excited? Is she also frightened? I don't know about you, but if I saw something glowing on the ground, I'd be afraid to touch it.
Was the orb simply just left in the middle of the road? Or was it off to the side, buried and forgotten beneath a bush or piece of trash?
If you want to make more impact about the character finding the orb; which, I assume you would as it seems to be the goal of this chapter, you need to put more emphasis on the character finding the orb.
'Cause right now all the emphasis is about Rebbeca reading a book with an article about Tifa Lockhart in it.
The show vs tell thing comes up again in the end with Annie. If Annie comes out and acts motherly, as she does in the scene, we don't need to be told that she "appears to be the caregiver".
As the author, you have the power of authority. If Annie takes off Rebbeca's coat and shoes, let's her keep the orb, and acts with a motherly tone - we'll trust you that she's the caregiver.
Things that I really like:
"Rainbow colored socks adorned her feet." - I lol'd, and really like this line. It's one of those instances where showing us about a character gives more than telling us.
| S.Zix chapter 8 . 6/13/2011
This is from GA, answering your call for help.
First thing I noticed is so far not much has happened. I think I would notice this less if you made the chapters longer and less frequent. It has a sense effect on the readers.
Next thing, have you read Conversations with Lorelei by Grace E. Dragondale? It's old and incomplete, but it has a similar premise; Vincent meets a young girl who wanders into his mansion. I'm not sure where your story is going yet, but you should read it in its incompleteness if you haven't.
Rebecca seems likable enough. Like the characters in the story, though, I haven't seen enough of her to say anything. Vincent seems to be warming up to her, and he seems pretty reasonably done.
Some tightening down and focusing would aid this more than anything. What do you want to say by having Rebecca confront Vincent and this history book? How much can you accomplish for your readers this chapter?
As a technical note, your dialogue punctuation could use some brushing. If you have "Complete sentence(punctuation)" he said, then you use a comma, not a period. Unless you have ! or ?
Anyway, this caught my eye before (just browsing), but I didn't read much of it because the direction wasn't as clear. The premise is really entertaining, and I think you have something with the book, the flashbacks, and Vincent himself.
| CladnPlaid chapter 7 . 5/12/2011
Haha, I love Vinny when he's around kids this is a really cute story. You deserve way more reviews! Keep up the good work!
| Ninja Cat of Light chapter 7 . 4/25/2011
I'm alive! Lol and finally getting to read this chapter. Hmmmm I think Vincent's gonna be a daddy figure if he's not careful c: haha Very curious to how this is going on. I like the light-heartedness which i'm sure i've stated many a time before. Keep writing please :D
| Shezu chapter 7 . 4/7/2011
Oh I like the part you fixed! It's good, and dramtic. X3 Very good chapter, which I didn't get to say earlier, sorry. :P
| Ninja Cat of Light chapter 6 . 3/24/2011
marvelous, marvelous! Another chapter and it still keeps me excited for the next update. I'm loving Rebbeca's nerves of steel because I know it would alot more for me to walk up to someone's scary mansion lmbo keep up the good work
| Shezu chapter 6 . 3/9/2011
Keeping to my word, I'm here to review. I do really like your style. Being your beta, I know the mistakes, but it's actually not as bad as I though! You don't have that many mistakes and you're getting better. Both in your english and in your detailing and your overall writing. This chapter is proof of that. I'm so happy you let me beta for you, so I can see, before anyone else does, your amazing (and cute) story.
I've been watching your story, the reviews, the notes, and the chapters themselves.
You're doing well. Keep it up.
| Heartbringer chapter 6 . 3/9/2011
Ooooh! Love the latest chapter. But a bit disappointed that it's short. Oh, Vinnie is so in for it now. Can't wait for the next chapter!
| Ninja Cat of Light chapter 5 . 1/29/2011
I loved the way you described Vincent. I could clearly picture him in my mind. Can't wait for the next chapter! :D
| Volixia669 chapter 5 . 1/27/2011
I agree, Relena is love. Elena's crush with Tseng is just that, a crush. Hmmm, please continue!
| Heartbringer chapter 5 . 1/25/2011
I just read the lot of the story. And it's great! Can't wait for you to update!
| HazzaTL3 chapter 5 . 1/25/2011
Ok a short chapter that didn't advance at all
| Ninja Cat of Light chapter 4 . 1/16/2011
In my opinion, this is a nice way to end the first part of the story! You didn't just rush in and introduce Vincent (it's Vincent, right?) all in one chapter, leaving room for the next part to take shape. Keep updating, cuz I know I'll keep reading :D