|Reviews for Blackwater reuploaded version|
| Gizzybiscuits chapter 1 . 3/16/2012
[Review will contain spoilers]
The grammar could use some work (Mostly with lack of capitals at the start of sentence and overuse of commas) and we honestly need more description of where they are. It feels rushed like we're just thrown into the dialogue and an attempt to get everything over with as quick as possible. We also don't know why Krek is suicidal (And whispering it out loud is eh...Wat?). I'm not saying 'reveal it right away' but it makes it hard for the reader to sympathize when he seems all angsty over an unrequited crush for some guy he's only known a few days.
The tongue kiss later is a bit ehh...You know worker-class sligs (The ones we've seen so far in-game) are asexual right?
The bodies could use some more description. What did they die of? Electric shock? Without getting into too much icky detail, perhaps they look badly burnt and charred on the surface with bleeding from under their masks.
On the ending...If this is Abe's work, its not electricity, its...Blue magic stuff. If its some weird malfunction then I can't quite believe the electricity would be spreading everywhere ever or that they could outrun it. I can get that a person that is suicidal can just flat-out not have the drive to go on anymore but the way Krek goes about it makes him unsympathetic as hell, to me at least. Like he doesn't appreciate Casta's friendship and would rather have himself horribly fried to death infront of the guy he supposedly loves who has seen enough bodies piling up in one day than not have him as a boyfriend. Not to mention abandoning him during all of that mess. Plus 'no one will ever love meee and I'll be alone forever' is melodramatic and untrue.
On the positive side, its nice to see people writing gay...ish (Not sure how worker-classes gender identities go) romance with asexual creatures. Keep practicing and you'll do fine.