|Reviews for A Dubious Affinity|
| samettikettu chapter 3 . 2/22/2013
Well this is getting interesting! :D
Your writing style was excellent and colourful, I love it! And the battle scene wasn't bad.
Wonder what will happen next! :D
| BrokenBlackCat chapter 3 . 1/3/2013
Cool! I love this! X3 But why isn't Ash fighting? He still has other pokemons, right?
| emokitten anonym chapter 3 . 7/21/2012
please write more. go!go!go!
| Breaking-Benjamin-rules chapter 3 . 3/25/2012
Me: *ignores him* Moving on, I wanna thanks everyone who reviewed the last chapter. The reviews really make my day.
Satoshi: Oh, and the reviews make Erin very excited and it would result in a quick update. Or shall I say quicker then usual update.
Satoshi: Ok, we get it, Shinji. Seriously!
XD this is awesome! continue!
| AngelOfPastPresentAndFuture chapter 3 . 12/16/2011
I really liked the prologue with Pikachu, Hikari and Takeshi's mysterious disappearance. There is a lovely suspense building and it's rather well written. Sadly Shinji is completely OC. I find the sudden 180 rather disturbing, it would have been better if more time went over his change, now I just have a WTF moment every time Shinji and Satoshi interact. Also, other than Pikachu, Satoshi does have more Pokemon at this point, doesn't he, so why doesn't he ask them for help? (Both in looking for the others and fighting Neptune and Mercury) I can't imagine him to play the hapless victim.
Despite what I said above, the idea is very interesting and I'd love to find out just what Team Galactic had in mind for Satoshi.
| Simple Shimmers chapter 3 . 10/19/2011
Oh my gosh! You need to update soon! I mean the plot has me down and the way the characters are just has me wanting more.
Azure: Whatever Shimmers
You NEED to update!
Please please please please ease please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please!
| Vulpixi Misa chapter 3 . 7/6/2011
What. I can't believe myself. Why didn't I come back to this fic after reading the prologue? And I thought I left a review the last time I read. ._.
The prologue was definitely suspenseful and kept me on the edge of my seat. I really loved the way you described Satoshi's fear when he was alone in the forest. I know it was probably the effects of the fever but that feeling of zoning out the world around him could not be better described than how you did it.
I was also swooning over how well you wrote Shinji in the beginning of chapter 2. Especially the kiss and Satoshi's reaction. And all the while, Shinji remains cool and calm. Then we see his scary side when it comes to protecting Satoshi and I can just say, I think I am jealous of Satoshi for having someone care for him that much because Shinji was such a BAMF. ...insert some fangirling here, even though I'm not a Shinji fangirl...
The plot itself is genius. The concept seemed simple but why no one else has done it before is my question, because it should have happened. I'm really curious as to why Team Galactic is after Satoshi, as I'm sure everyone else is.
I'm just going to nitpick about how chapter 2 was just a repeat of the prologue. I know you added some details but it seemed kind of repetitive that I scrolled over most of it. And sometimes, you might want to choose a different choice of wording. (Like the scene where Shinji was protecting Satoshi. The word protect came up four/five times.) I know sometimes a change in words may lessen the effect of what you want to convey but the repetition is sometimes unnecessary.
And here I am talking about writing like I am a high and mighty author when I'm not. ...Just, please write more. I need this like I need air. Seriously.
| Storm Dryu chapter 3 . 5/10/2011
just read it and i want more! pretty good
p.s. hope a lemon comes up here
| KeL chapter 2 . 12/19/2010
First off, some praise: The prologue really catched my interest and was overall well-written (apart from some minor spelling errors etc.), as well as the beginning of the first chapter. Both were a good introduction to the story, confronting the reader with (future-set) action early on before beginning with the actual story.
But unfortunately, it seemed kind of rushed from there on. To send Potchama off seemed wrong to me - after all, Satoshi is one who worries deeply for his friends, so why would he willingly abandon one of them? Satoshi's paranoia was pictured well, but I would have preferred it if he had (litterally) walked into Shinji at a later point, too, perhaps even in a later chapter.
It simply didn't seem like Shinji at all to be all concerned for Satoshi all of a sudden. To be honest, I only know a handful of episodes featuring Shinji but he seemed to be an expy of the rival from the second gen games - that is, coldhearted, pushing people out of his way, and virtually enslaving his Pokémon. If he changed for the better, he wouldn't show it from one day to the other, and surely wouldn't express something like affection towards anyone, especially anyone of the same sex. He is locked up and doesn't want to share anything having to do with him, so it would be better to let them talk about what makes Satoshi worry: the disappearance of his friends. Specifically, the kiss seemed random and out of place to me. At least Satoshi was caught off-guard by it, also :)
I like that you use the Japanese names not only for the characters, but the Pokémon and even the moves as well - it shows consistency.
Your fanfiction is still in its swaddling clothes, so there's plenty of room to apply changes to it (maybe even rewriting?) so that the characters can develop their feelings in a way that doesn't sound/seem forced, as well as improving the pace of your work overall.
I hope you can live with critique and are not deleting my review. They're meant to be a way to have other's opinions so you can improve your story :)
Have a nice day,
(PS: Am I getting the concept of slash pairings with Satoshi wrong or why does everyone keep saying that he's normally seen as the seme? He's so oblivious to other's feelings, I only ever pictured him as uke when not joking. Still, I'm not one for set roles - that's not how it works in real life, is it? :))
| EarthBolt-Infinite chapter 3 . 12/11/2010
It's commendable enough of an achievement to draw me into reading a yaoi story, I say that from a perspective I had quite awhile ago, but my point is; this story has transitioned my interest to include Comashipping. So that alone is a very impressive thing, but the story, plot and depth of thought gone into it is... Quite indescribable.
First of all, let's discuss a very logical point in the basic structure of the story that has proven to make a world of difference since others are too blind to do the same: Having Satoshi as the uke. It makes the story and relation of Comashipping reach it's pinnacle of realism, so for the life of me I don't know why some if not *most* people make Shinji the uke. So well done on that account.
The prologue drops straight into suspenseful action with tension all around; always great, but particularly effective considering you thrust the reader into it head-on, it works very nicely. One wonders ultimately how this came to be, how Satoshi and Shinji ended up together, why Shinji is not only allying with but is being protective of Satoshi, and why two Galactic Admins are after them. And this works especially well, since...
The very next chapter initiates a flashback to where it all started. That's pure brilliant. And from then on, things assume a great pace, with a good level of suspense and tension that can amount to actually being rather terrifying at times (Satoshi's auditory hallucinations).
But let's start from the start, shall we? Satoshi waking up and hearing Satoshi's scream. That's a slap in the face to the readers if any suspense began to fade, and works extremely well, I'll give you that, Erin. Pikachu's absence, the deserted camp and discovering the hidden Pochama.
Now I think it can be said that peak suspense points occur when Satoshi is either deep within thought or physically alone. After sending Pochama off for help, BOTH of these incidents occur. The sojourn through the forest to search for Satoshi's friends gives readers a near-real sense of his fear and the wonder whether he's feeling unwell arises quickly.
Shinji's arrival, could not have been timed better and he appears in the story and imposes a solid dominant presence from the very beginning. He's kept well in-character while at the same time displaying a new found protective nature towards Satoshi, the Coma moments which result from this being wonderful to read.
The next day after Satoshi wakes up, no reader would ever anticipate just what kind of moments would develop when beginning to read this beginning of a new chapter. Shinji's arm draped over Satoshi in his sleep, Satoshi's actual feelings of being safe with Shinji are very nice moments.
Then there's that kiss, unexplainable, unexpected and completely out of nowhere. And it works perfectly; it might as well give the reader as much of a jolt and wondering as it does to Satoshi when it happens. I'm rather at a loss for words as to how to truly describe how good it is. It's a true Coma moment and you did great thinking of doing it.
Shinji's constant upkeep of his protective and helpful attitude are also great to read; how he is adamant on accompanying Satoshi to find Hikari, Takeshi and Pochama and how he continuously wards him away from the slightest temptation of going off alone. This works especially well because of just how willingly Satoshi accepts this, and the Comoment (I'm going to make that into a term for Coma moment, hope you don't mind. 83) which ensues after Satoshi observes Shinji casually searching the area after which Shinji comes over to him and speaks heartfelt words. While STILL keeping Shinji in character. And that's amazing.
Neptune and Mercury discovering Satoshi and being assumed as possible kidnappers just re-ignites the awesome suspense of the story, and this is helped well by that nicely thought out battle scene; a good battle is nice to watch and nice to read too. And this one was written well enough that it was very nice to read indeed. Then there's the cliff drop and Shinji swimming over to help Satoshi before the latter blacks out.
Couldn't be much better at all, the idea, the plot, the flow, the writing, the dialog, the characters, the villains, the shipping, they're all great, I'm sure the rest of the story will be no exception to the criteria as well. Well written.
| Mizz Nikki chapter 3 . 11/28/2010
Wow, Erin! I'm like so speechless right now, this chapter was EPIC! I really loved it
I never expected Shinji to actually kiss Satoshi, but I have to say, it was nicely done. And the battle scene, I don't even know how go describe it, you wrote it out so well and I could actually picture the whole scene in my head. Thats like so hard to do and you managed to pull it off magnificently, which very little authors can do and kudos to you for that.
More people like really need to be reviewing this cause it's just so awesome.
I'm really loving this story a lot so far and I can't wait to see where you go with it, I already know it's going to be a big hit!
Great job & keep it up! [:
| BattleWithYourHeart chapter 3 . 11/28/2010
Woah. That was an AMAZING chapter, Twinnie! But I'm sorry for my very late review D:
The battle was very well written and very enjoyable. I loved Shinji's affection to Satoshi and how he wanted to protect him. And I hope Hikari, Takeshi, and Pikachu are alright.
This story is awesome so far. Keep it up! :D
| Sasu-Sama' Sarukiji-Sempai chapter 3 . 11/27/2010
Good! Keep going! _
| Sasu-Sama' Sarukiji-Sempai chapter 1 . 11/27/2010
I like it!
| N chapter 3 . 11/26/2010
Whoa! Awesome chapter!
I did not see that kiss coming! That was like unexpected. Not that I'm complaining. I like it (:
The battle scene was very well written and I could easily picture it all. That's like really hard to do, especially since battles are like VERY tricky to write. You managed to pull it off magnificently. Kudos to you for that :)
This story is like pure gold and there needs to be like more readers and reviews. Great Job and keep up the great work, Erin! 8D