|Reviews for St Nicolas|
| Kitty chapter 1 . 11/6/2011
That was very, very cool. It was sort of bittersweet in a way and my eyebrows did go up about Dumbledore. Then I sort of laughed. I liked this very much and, I admit, my OCD refused to let you have 13 reviews. You're awesome!
| SingBenihime chapter 1 . 7/18/2011
A very sweet fic :)
But it doesn't seem like Dumbledore would murder someone to get a kid into Hogwarts, if that was what you were implying :L
However, the characterisation was lovely 3 I really enjoyed this!"
| anotherbuskitten chapter 1 . 6/24/2011
Awww for sweetness and Pollux. Adorable
| Mademise Morte chapter 1 . 12/4/2010
Actually, ignore that last. I was misreading it XD
However, there was one point where 'lycanthrope' was placed where 'lycanthropy' would have made sense (I think).
| iphis17 chapter 1 . 12/4/2010
The first paragraph is weird, like there are words missing.
No, this isn't bittersweet at all! It is as sweet and charming as anything.
| Wesfanemt333 chapter 1 . 9/13/2010
Overall, your story was well done. You might want to think about using a grammar check, which most spellcheckers have, to help with your comma usage.
Other than that, I really enjoyed your story. It's original and imaginative.
| UnnaturalKetchupTaco chapter 1 . 9/11/2010
This was very well written, and I found very few grammatical errors, other than some problems with punctuation problems.
The other reviewers seemed to have gone over that better than I can, so I'm not going to repeat that.
The only other problem I found was a bit of confusing wordage.
Matters only became worse when Headmaster Dippet had told Remus' parents he would allow a werewolf, no matter how talented to attend Hogwarts only over his dead body.
I would re-word that as,
Matters only became worse when Headmaster Dippet had told Remus' parents that only over his dead body would he allow a werewolf to attend Hogwarts, no matter how talented the werewolf was.
I throughly enjoyed reading this, and I encourage you to write more. :)
| Mordanyes chapter 1 . 9/10/2010
Your story was very original which I liked. Your use of commas though could do with some work. I know those who have reviewed before me have said similar and I don't want to have to repeat what they said.
You did well with keeping them in character which is great.
Just remember to use your punctuation correctly so sentences don't run on too long, making the mental mind of the reader out of breath.
| Sextuple Covalent Mo2 Bond chapter 1 . 9/9/2010
I could find little wrong with this story. One of these few things was that you tend to place a period at the end of the dialogue when you are explaining the characters action/way of speaking afterwards. In which case, a comma should be used at the end of the dialogue.
You should also use commas after the speaking verb if you plan to have the character actually do something.
Anyways, this was well-written. A good beta-reader could fix these errors.
I wish you the best!
~Que Quieres Spyro Kid
| Night of the Living Monkey chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
That was a side of the wizarding world I never thought to examine: Santa Claus. I really must commend you on your stunning originality. You make young Lupin's childhood a poignant one, and properly so. Your characterization's fine, your plot's unique, as far as I know, and your spelling and grammar aren't anything to be ashamed of.
Your maim problem seems to lay with the comma. Can't say I'm surprised, as it can be difficult to remember where it properly belongs. I still probably screw it up every now and then.
When it comes to dialogue and commas, you for some reason waffle from correct formating to just a little off. This is how speaking should be formated:
"I am a werewolf," said Remus. OR "I am a werewolf," Remus said. It doesn't matter where 'said' (or another speaking verb like asked, shouted, demanded, etc) and the speaker are positioned. The dialogue ends in a comma.
If you have action after the person speaks, you use a comma to separate the describing action:
"I am the new Headmaster," said Dumbledore, scratching his beard.
Hope that helps. Good luck with the comma, for she's a grammatical pain.
Best of Luck,
| Pen-Versus-Sword chapter 1 . 9/7/2010
I enjoyed your tale very much. The plot and characterization were pretty spot-on. The story itself wasn't bad at all, aside from some missing or misplaced commas/punctuation. Here is a little helping hand.
These are your original sentences:
"Remus John Lupin," His mother had shouted tearfully holding him tight. "I have lost enough people in my life; I don't want to lose my son to the same mistake my mother made, the mistake I almost made."
These sentences ought to look something like this:
"Remus John Lupin," his mother had shouted tearfully, holding him tight. "I have lost enough people in my life. I don't want to lose my son to the same mistake my mother made. I almost did make the same mistake."
Do you have a beta? Sometimes you need two sets of eyes to catch all the grammatical errors. It isn't the mark of a bad author to have a beta, not at all. I have a beta too, and I refuse to post anything until she gives the story a once-over. There are lots of people on site that are more than willing to help you. You can browse 'beta readers' in your toolbar.
Another great way to improve your writing skills is to get your hands on a copy of 'The Elements of Style' and/or 'Warriner's English Grammar and Composition'. Those two books worked wonders for me when I began writing!
Good luck, and keep on writing! This world needs more people who can spin a good yarn. (:D Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't knit my way out of a paper bag, so I find myself a bit jealous of that particular skill.)
| Dawn of Dusk chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
I like this story. I may not remember much about the Harry Potter series (the last time I picked up a Harry Potter book was three years ago), but from what I remember, you kept everyone mostly in-character.
However, you sometimes to miss commas, making some of your sentences run-ons. This is an easy mistake to fix, so don't feel discouraged at all.
Also, remember to end sentences in quotation marks with commas instead of periods. Once again, not a glaring problem and very easy to fix. .
Here's an example of both:
"'Professor? Could you stay for supper? I'm making brisket and Josie made apple pie." said Ferdinand trying to regain his composure."
"'Professor? Could you stay for supper? I'm making brisket and Josie made apple pie,' said Ferdinand, trying to regain his composure."
Don't feel discouraged at all and I wish you luck in the future. :)
Dawn of Dusk
| Binka Fudge chapter 1 . 9/5/2010
This was absolutely fantastic! I love the entire thing. I have a mental list of Fan fictions called 'missing bits from canon', and this is going straight on their. I think it's brilliant how you added in little details from the books to make it more realistic, Arianna Dumbledore's tragic life,the statute of secrecy etc. You've also made me feel that tingley warm feeling I used to get at Christmas when i was very small, it's been very elusive the older I've gotten, so thank you for helping me remember. And the thought of father Christmas being a wizard and possessing magic, but not being able to do the impossible because magic can't fix everything is one we should teach all children, then they won't fall so hard when life doesn't turn out to be perfect.
| Foxtail-Padfoot chapter 1 . 9/5/2010
That's just darling.