Reviews for Two Beneath One
Becca-Loves-Yuge chapter 1 . 8/3/2011
Ah, poor Yuugi. I really liked that. The ending was sweet.

DarkChao1663 chapter 1 . 2/3/2011
Chao- Think you managed to write the jealousy quite niclely. Great one shot.
Animom chapter 1 . 9/14/2010
An unusual take on the canon dynamic, but you made it work. Excellent use of detail to keep us grounded in the story and Yugi's POV.
Higuchimon chapter 1 . 9/14/2010
That was very good! I can see this happening. Poor Yuugi. But at least he got a little something, which is better than nothing at all.
yllimilly chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
This piece is a little jewel! Simple yet so effective! To me this is the essence of what spiritshipping should be, and you captured it perfectly, in a situation everyone can relate to. There were a few sentences that were just killer and brilliant and that left me wanting for more genius on your part:

"There had been a time when Yugi thought she liked him back. But then the distinction between Yugi and Yami was made. And Yugi caught some changes in Anzu's behavior when she was with Yami."

"What's wrong, Yugi?" he asked, his eyes trained on the corner of the mirror where Yugi's awareness hovered."

"Yugi felt a burning sensation rise within his chest. It was so intense that he sensed Yami was aware of it too."


As an end note, I too feel that sometimes some parts were too obvious - but such things happen when producing something under pressure.

Best of luck for the contest!

Doubleplusgoodduckspeaker chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
Hmm... I'm going to be tough on you, for the reason that I've read some of your works before and think that you are a good writer with a lot of potential.

So, for me, this was alright. Good, solid, but not what I was expecting. I almost feel like you're reinventing the wheel with this one, not branching out into something new. There are some good things-Yugi was in-voice and perfect to center the story around, and I liked how you began and ended the story.

But I do have high expectations for you as a writer, and I didn't feel like this did it for me. Hopefully it's just the pairing. Maybe we'll get something different in the next round and you can blow us all out of the water. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I think you're an awesome writer, and that's why I'm saying all this.

Your story was an enjoyable read, and I hope that you really step out of the box and challenge yourself in future rounds. But good job with this story!
Guest chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
I'm feeling too lazy to log myself in xD

Anyway, I really like the idea of Yugi basically 'shoving' (or would it be 'mind-shoving'...?) his way into Yami and Anzu's kiss because he was desperate and jealous - I have to say that was an interesting method of writing a three-way. The scene with Yami posing in front of the mirror created quite an amusing mental image too :D

As for your writing style (which I usually refer to as grammar/spelling/phrasing but decided to change this time for no reason in particular), the grammar/spelling was generally good. However, although your sentences aren't fragments, they seem a bit short and clipped-off to me. Combining some of them would make your writing flow and sound better. (Ex: "There had been a time when Yugi thought she liked him back. But then the distinction between Yugi and Yami was made." versus: "There had been a time when Yugi thought she liked him backā€”at least, until the distinction between Yami and Yugi was made.")

Also, I feel that you described Yugi's jealousy a little to obviously. (This motto is very important for writing: 'Show, don't tell!') Instead of writing, 'He was jealous, but he tried not to show it, try 'He attempted to hide the sickening sensation of jealousy that spread through his veins like the progress of some slow-burning poison' - or maybe something not quite as flowery as that! XD

Good luck!

~ Keruth
Always a Bookworm chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
Aw, that's really sad! Sweet, in a way, but I couldn't help but feel extremely sorry for Yugi at the end of it. Well done; you really captured the emotion and unrequited feelings in this, and it was a very moving and touching piece.

Great job! :D

jadedly chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
Ooh, that was brilliant! Very original, and for some reason I felt so enamored with this version of Yuugi. He was so realistic, so emotional...just, gah! I loved this!

Now for a bit of concrit: Technically, by what my English teacher yells at me, you're not supposed to start too many sentences with 'And' or 'But'. I start a few of mine, that way, as well, but you might have overdone it a distracted me a bit, since I'm constantly getting harped on to stop doing it so much in my writing. I don't think it's anything to worry about, though, and you did a really great job with this! I know I loved reading it!

Good luck in the contest!
Calm Envy chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
Oh, Yuugi. Jealousy. I know how you feel. Such a beautiful yet ugly emotion, that drives people to murder, to lust, to change their lives and the lives of others. Of course we didn't have any outrageous killings here, but. -shrug- The contest has produced some pretty good fics. I'm not even remotely a fan of Spiritshipping, but this tugged at all the right emotions and was so real.
Enjeru chapter 1 . 9/7/2010
Oooh! I really liked how that turned out :D Glad Yugi got to experience it himself, what Anzu doesn't know won't her, ne? xD I'm not very good at reviewing so I don't really know what else to say except good luck! _
My Misguided Fairytale chapter 1 . 9/7/2010
Aww, I liked this! Even though you used a fairly short word-count, you were still able to fit a complete story in here, and you had everything I was expecting: good characterization, solid writing, minimal mistakes (I caught one typo: "...hiding his hurt and jealously from Yami." - you do mean 'jealousy,' right?) and I like how subtle the Spiritshipping was - it was a different approach, but it still worked.

I suppose my only main con-crit is that you do not vary your sentence and paragraph lengths - the vast majority of your sentences are short, and feature the "subject verb object (perhaps a prepositional phrase? xD)" kind of formatting. Having a long chain of short sentences tends to impede the flow of a story, and I know you've got the talent to give us more descriptive phrases and complex sentences.

Still, good job this round! )

~Jess (My Misguided Fairytale)