|Reviews for Section Thirteen|
| Kireas chapter 6 . 7/25/2011
Well now, been a while since I've read your works, been busy with a lot of other stuff so I couldn't find the time to read, and when I did have time to, I couldn't get around to doing it thanks to Youtube. Though that turned out for the better since reading the current 3 chapters together is better since the tension doesn't get killed off. Think of this as a combined review for chapters 4, 5 and 6.
Anyway, I like the development so far. The tension that builds up keeps getting better and better.
Though I did notice one thing that became apparent in the recent chapters, and that is you're actually mixing up some of the character's gender and position. If I remember correctly, in chapter 4 or 5, you wrote that Alyssa was charging towards herself. Another one that I can remember off the top of my head was that Anton suddenly became female.
I like the concept of reproducing combat robots based on actual human specimens. If Jail had done that, you'd think he would actually decimate the RF6. Clones that had abilities of formidable characters have always proved to be a threat in fictitious material, even though said clones pale in comparison to the original.
It's interesting to see the Triad siblings fight. For some reason, Glenn reminds me about Vergil from DMC3. Maybe it's the blue barrier jacket katana and the way he easily dispatched Alyssa, though I don't think she'll be falling for that again anytime soon.
Daniel having trouble with one of those stereotypical, "How can you not know who I am", people was rather hilarious, contrary to the situation he was in. It's amazing that you fitted in things like these in between scenes where the tension is high.
Anton, once again, never fails to disappoint. Ironically, I was watching a video series of someone who was more of a fighter that relied on his brains rather than brawn this morning.
That about covers it.
| Tiresias-135 chapter 5 . 6/2/2011
It's refreshing I guess to NOT have the protagonist became jobbers just to show that their enemies are indeed a threat, but I can't help but shake the feeling that the fight was a bit too easy.
Then again, most of their opponents are mooks. NAMED mooks, but mooks nonetheless. I assume Mr. Angelo has either Ace-level fighters aside from Katie as reserve, or a truckload of those War Armors to tip the favor? Not necessarily to be committed now, of course...
Fun fights. It's going to be interesting to read just how Anton can get out of this mess.
| RedPBass chapter 1 . 3/7/2011
First thought: Ho-lee **** this is a long chapter. Nice! I'm tired of 1000 word "chapters" that don't even make you scroll down the page ;p It will scare off some readers though. I prefer 5-10k words myself. Much more than that and readers start to get antsy.
But anyway...this is interesting once you get over the idea of having a lot of OCs, and from what I can see so far it's well written too. Looking in your profile though, I don't see any complete fics. Are you going to finish this, or just drop it after stringing us along for a year or two...?
| Tiresias-135 chapter 4 . 3/6/2011
I'll skip commenting on Animesuki and just post right here:
Action scenes are fun as usual, more detailed than your average Nanoha fanfic. And characterizations are good, though I'm beginning to loose track due to the amount.
"He knew their names by heart: 'Goodfellas', 'Casino', 'The Untouchables'" - Aww, no mention of the most classic of all?
Enjoyable as always. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
| AluciusDawn chapter 4 . 3/4/2011
Another cool chapter. You do the fight scenes well, a rather satisfying aspect of your writing as I've seen a number of otherwise good writers stumble when they actually got to the action they had been building towards. Yeah, overall just enjoying this. Though GD still kinda freaks me out, my brain immediately tells me anything that talks like an HK droid is bad news. Even if it's unfair to GD.
Also, I have no idea what other Nasu names I was talking about earlier. I triple checked and didn't see a thing. Some kind of mental malfunction...
Oh well, thanks for the read.
(Why aren't there more reviews for this, seriously?)
| GeshronTyler chapter 3 . 1/16/2011
Hmm, nefarious people doing nefarious things, and our plucky heroes preparing to spring the trap laid out for them. If this planet is truly supposed to be the capital of the Belkan Empire, I'd expect Section 13 to be able to whistle up some serious backup, if the TSAB is trying to keep their operations on a "low" profile, to prevent _more_ nefarious people from showing up.
Aren't family squabbles fun to watch? Don't know if Katie is the "stronger" sister yet, though. It would appear that family is strongly divided on moral issues. _
Thanks, read you next time.
| Kireas chapter 3 . 1/8/2011
You're welcome. I was actually worried that you might be annoyed with the wall of text I dumped on you. Seems that whenever I get into discussion or review about something, it always ends up that way. I'd also like to mention that it was actually 2 or 3am in the morning when I was typing the review so I clearly wasn't thinking ahead so I overlooked the finer points of good storytelling in my review, I apologise for that.
Now, regarding the things you answered:
Ah yes, of course. I had clean forgotten about the Infinity Library. If that was what it was based on, then I'd say that's pretty good sense, considering Anton's familiy status.
Of course, the ways the barrier jacket gets set up can be modified, like I said, everything and anything that happens it up to you, the author who owns your own AU. Though it would be proper to at least mention at the start of the series how close or far you will be following canon, details and all.
So you thought of AMF as an actual defense system by itself instead of it being a skill of sorts? So would you be utilizing AMF as the AAA ranked magical defense or AMF as an anti-magic system by itself?
About the chapter:
As always, I'm impressed with how you carry out the events. It is frighteningly close to what might've happened should the producers of the Nanoha series decide to make a spinoff of series.
I may be wrong but do I detect some subtle hints of romance in the air? I can actually see some pairings already.
One thing that you changed for this chapter which I noticed was that GD's dialogue were bold at some points only and not all of them like your past chapters and that some of them, his sentences, kind of differed from what he would usually say. Usually he would start his sentence with the genre of what he is about to say, e.g. Query, Statement etc. . But at one point, he just instantly said, "Impressed: that is quite startling...". Though I'm not sure if whether this is a slight oversight on your part or that it's a new form of dialogue option for him.
I noticed that you actually reuploading the chapter and that typos and possibly, errors in some parts of the story were more frequent this time. I'm thinking that it's due to the lack of proof reading.
Because this is a story progressing chapter, there isn't really much to say. The next chapter is probably going to be awesome. Though you should take your time. Ultimately, a well planned and written chapter is better than an ill planned and rushed chapter. Also, I cannot stress how much I am in awe of the way you execute storytelling.
Final note, I forgot to mention this but I just realised that Anton's family lineage is rather intresting. As opposed to those cliched famous and combat based family you see in animes, manga and games, we actually have a lineage of paper pushers that have weak physical bodies as a bloodline of sorts.
| Kireas chapter 2 . 12/19/2010
I'm really, REALLY impressed with your style of writing, in fact, I LOVE it. The way you bring about the flow of the story and events is amazing. It may be because I haven't read any books for a while now but I'm finding your chapters very entertaining. I'd gladly spend the one or two hours of my life to read your chapters. Now for the fanfic itself, I don't know how closely you intend to follow with regards to the mechanics of the series. I'm making this review thinking that you're trying to follow as close as possible to canon, so pardon me if some of the things I say are actually asking you to do what you're trying not to do. There are some typos here and there but none too noticeable really. Oh yes and I'm also adding in some of the thoughts for chapter 1 though the review itself is largely bout chapter 2, hope you don't mind.
The names for skills were very well done, very "Nanoha-like" in the sense that it's pretty close to what the creators of the series would've thought up. However, I found the name of Anton's spell, the "Infinity Tornado" rather cheesy. It sounded cliched or something. Basically, it would be what you see in online games if players could name their own skills/finishing moves. I did like the way the skill was set up. A spell that the opponent disregarded, only to be destroyed by that oversight later.
I actually have some issues with the setting up inside the helicopter. I can't think of a good word for this so "disagree" is the best word that I can come up with. While I don't know how spacious/wide the military helicopter is, setting up inside, in my opinion, would prove to be a rather troublesome task for both parties. I'm pretty sure the sphere of light that surrounds you as you set wup takes up quite a bit of space. Furthermore, they actually set up while sitting down AND buckled? I'm not trying to harp on the details here but, trying to change your clothes while sitting down and restrained, isn't something I'd call an easy task. I'm pretty sure the sphere of light surrounding the characters as they set up in the StrikerS anime actually protects the character while they're getting equipped with their barrier jackets. Although the process is shown on screen for the benefit of the viewers, the actual thing is actually pretty fast I think. I know you may be trying to not copy any actual scenes from the anime but I think they minor things like these are okay. If, the light surrounding the mage as he/she sets up is does not protect the mage, then you can make it so that it protects the mage since this is an AU after all.
The new enemies, the War Armors, are rather intresting. But, there are things you have to be careful about. There are actually four different types of defenses in Nanoha-verse. Physical Armor, Barrier, Field and Shield. My point here is to not talk about the manga so you have to read up on that if you want to. Now, A.M.F stands for Anti-Magic Field. In your chapter, you used "AMF Barrier" so that would be, Anti-Magic Field Barrier. Now that sounds a little weird doesn't it? I'm not saying that you can't put AM on the mechanical enemies, just that you have to be careful. Since a field covers an area and definition of barriers differ from user to user so I won't elaborate on that. Well, depending on whether you're going to put AMB/S, Anti-Magic Barriers/Shields on the mechas or AMF, it can actually cause the scale of power to tip drastically. If you're gonna put AMB/S for the mechas, then I suggest using a physical part of the machine that can move about as the shield for phyiscal attacks. Or else, it would make the drones too powerful, in otherwords, overpowered. While I do understand that the machines were designed based on the combat data of RF13, I'm pretty sure that they haven't shown all their cards yet. Cause if fighting against opponents of these level requires most or all of the crucial team members to go all out, then I'm pretty sure RF13 will get demolished pretty quickly by hostile forces. Other than that, I like the concept of the new machines being the result of people studying Jail's Gadget drone development.
For the battle, everything was pretty good, flawless actually. I do have some questions regarding each characters' ability though, perhaps you could give more elaboration on their abilities and more info about the War Machines? Asides from what was mentioned in this chapter? From the dialogue of the characters while they were on the helicopter, it's not the first time they fought the War Machine so I'm pretty sure someone should've at least gathered the basic info on what they are.
Now for the characters, only one stood out to me and yes, it's the GD. I like how you actually have a Gadget Drone OC and that it actually fit in well with the members of RF13. Though with the TSAB's current technology, I don't think it'd be that hard for a GD to actually get an actual humanoid body/shop with human features, considering how this is post StrikerS and that Jail was able to create combat cyborgs. Prior to the events of your story. This is just a suggestion but I think it'd be better if you renamed the Quattro guy to something else to prevent confusion with the actual character.
With all that being said, this is your story/world after all. What I've written above are just my thoughts, ideas and suggestions. I'm really look forward to your future chapters for this fanfic. Oh and there's no need to worry about messing up the Nanoha cast should you decide to bring them in. I'm sure you won't screw them up. Even if you do, as long as it's not too far from what is considered canon and in character, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Last note, Anton said he joined the Fire Squad. Did you mean Flame squad? Or is there another unit called Fire squad.
| AluciusDawn chapter 1 . 12/15/2010
Cool, I like what I've seen so far. Feeling some Nasuverse in the naming scheme.
Much as I like the canon cast, this group is rather refreshingly dysfunctional and seem to have quite a bit of personality. I agree with Moczo in that it's a bit of an infodump. Yet I have found the characters memorable enough to keep track of, so it's not that bad really.
So yeah, everything looks good, no complaints story-wise. Awesome, now on story-alert.
| Moczo chapter 1 . 9/14/2010
Well, I like it so far! The characters are all interesting and unique, and I especially like your writing style; very fluid, almost conversational. It's easy to follow, but detailed enough to get the point across effectively. I'm very interested to see where the story goes.
Okay, now that I'm done gushing, time for Constructive Criticism! The first one's easy: there's a part that cuts off mid-sentence. "But that had been many generations ago, and cloning procedures were far less 'sketchy' than back then. Rehabilitation rates for people like that were in the clear majority now…but even so, there". Might want to fix that.
Second, it might've been a good idea to make this two chapters. Maybe... unfortunately, I can't think of a good place to split it. Just that introducing so many OC's all in one go is a huge infodump. It's kind of hard to keep track of them when the come in one after another in rapid succession.
And finally... yeah, the Bureau has a problem with mass weapons, but Teana uses pistols and I think Vice actually used a magic sniper rifle during his time as a field agent. Runessa Magnus from one of the sound stages even has a device that IS a mass weapon, though she had to get special permission to use it. There's a certain stigma to mass weaponry in general, but it doesn't seem to extend too strongly to personal weaponry, more like the missiles and such that you could use to destroy a city by pushing a button. Though this one isn't so important, because it IS a good scene, and Anton's reaction could be easily explained by the fact that he's a clerk from a family of clerks, and might have an even stronger anti-mass weapon bias than normal TSAB citizens, having been raised in the environment he was.
All told, again: very good, and I'm looking forward to more.
| GeshronTyler chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
Intriguing characters, do continue.
THanks, read you next time.