|Reviews for Strategic Cyborg Evangelion|
| M.J.P. Smith chapter 1 . 7/26/2013
Ah. I get it now. Sorry, I went looking for this fic again thinking it was still the same as it was. That is to say, most of the internet is still calling it Ascension. Oh well. It'll always be Ascension to me, but by any other name.
What I'm getting at is that I rarely look for a fanfic twice. Yours is one I've read several times. I'm liking the changes you're making. Keep it up.
| Gameoutcast chapter 7 . 2/25/2013
Hey like the story but something confuses me. What happened to this:
his skin outright erupted into a black, carapace-like shell. His fingers, normally pale and thin, rapidly shrunk as his nails grew into long talons of bone not unlike when a cat extends its claws.
I mean he wraps a shirt around in the last chapter and then suddenly it's never mentioned again unless I missed something. Aside from that keep up the good work
| Guest chapter 6 . 2/16/2013
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/16/2013
A true man? I am liking the direction his character is going. Ever since I finished shinji and the WH40k I've been looking for another awesomeness fix.
| Gundam Kaiser chapter 8 . 12/5/2012
Interesting. Very interesting.
| indefinity007 chapter 27 . 10/12/2012
Wow. This really needs love after all. Its pretty much great and a clear explanation of some parts of science is accurate. I really like the fact that Gordon's thesis is still there but how the hell did it survived the Resonance Cascade?
| Tamaki chapter 4 . 1/6/2012
Will be giving proper reviews to chapter three and four soon... Just, holy shit! You improved so much with this one! And I really like how the characters are in this one, and how you really fleshed them out this time! Good job! (I will be reviewing this one as an unsigned person, so yeah xP).
| Tamaki chapter 2 . 1/6/2012
Cha! Second chapter! For the win!
I see you are quite fond of dialogue, which is a nice change. I know with myself, I avoid dialogue like it is a carnivorous donkey out to get me, but that is just me. xP
Now, one thing I like is that you can kind of imagine Touji talking the way he does. Touji always was a more casual character, and it makes sense that he would be weirded out by Rei's IQ. I can't really explain that with evidence from the show (since, you know, he made friends with the Third Child xP), but I could see it fitting his personality. The interesting thing about Touji is that he is pretty oblivious about things going on (like Hikari liking him), yet he can note that Rei likes Shinji. So how you are writing him so far fits because he doesn't seem particularly observant yet about things going on, but is quite happy to yap away. I could see Touji swearing too, somehow. xP
Also, line that makes me happy! "I rarely hear her talking but it's like a chunk of ice wedged into your back." Nice description. I fawn over descriptions like that, so it was nice.
I also like how you make Kaworu a bit philosophical, which seems to fit with his old character, as he wondered about the Lilim's culture, and what helped them live. I still have a hard time Kaworu getting angry so blatantly, and using words like "douchebag" and what not, but it will be interesting. xP Again, I also like how you are making Kaworu an idealist and "protector" of the people, since it can fit with how he is, so you have an interesting interpretation of his character.
Trying to remember Keel... is he someone from Evangelion? Half-life? Memory is failing me. xP I would like to hear more about the despicable things that President Keel has done, and I am sure you will deliver that. -
Something that would be nice to see improved: It is good you are giving the characters the skeleton of their personality, like Touji, Hikari, etc. I could see Hikari being worried like a mother hen over her class, although it would be nice to see her focused or doing other stuff. Like her thinking about homework, or something like that, or wondering about things going on in her life. It is good to show characters having other thoughts, otherwise, they may seem a bit too much like a skeleton, and too focused on the main character. In real life, is it like that? Not really. I believe that you will get better at that because you have their basic personalities down to a touch, and it is easy to imagine the characters being like that. You also are quite handy with dialogue of others, so I know you will improve.
Also, cute moment with Mari: Mari shrugged and made a dismissive gesture. – "Pfft, like I would be attracted to him… get real! You're out of your mind." – unnoticed to her but not to Hikari, she sported a very slight blush as she said these words.
It was just adorable, in my opinion. xP
Also, what are hacks? Are they police officers? It is an interesting term. o.o
Also, another interesting line:
Two pairs of blood-red eyes were staring at each other, not being ignored by the third person nearby.
'Huh, they look similar. Why didn't I see that before?'
The blood-red eyes staring was a nice touch. And nice point mentioning Touji in such a way. It is good to expand one's vocabulary, instead of always using their name, or something like that. I also liked the focus on their eyes, as if they are learning more about each other (which they are), and it is significant to a degree with Rei because she rarely takes off her shades, so it shows her being naked, to a degree. So, good job. _ Now, is the thought Kaworu or Touji? xP It leaves me confuzzled. xox
I could also so see Kaworu taking the standpoint about the strong there to protect the weak, and Rei questioning it. It fit with their character, in my opinion. And I could imagine Rei voicing that single word,"Why?"
And yay for pessimistic Rei stumping Kaworu! XD :
-"There is no such thing as destiny. Fighting toward a pre-determined goal is futile due to the high chance of faliure. Setting a long-term goal is similarly futile."
Kaworu was stumped. - "Why?"
"Because we are not eternal. Nothing is able to exist forever. One day, death will come for you whether your goals are met or not. That day may be tomorrow or today; ultimately, nothing matters."
A long silence settled onto the roof.
'Tōji was right, she IS freaky."-
I could see Rei saying something like that. Seeing that Kaworu is different from the one in the Evangelion universe for now, I could see him not thinking about that. Kaworu's thought (the last line) almost made me want to laugh. xP I found it amusing/cute. Nice reference to a previous conversation.
Touji's line too, about not understanding everything they said was kind of amusing too, and fitting with him. xP
And hmmm, I wonder if life is on repeat? If third impact has happened a few times? I know that it was postponed, but with how Rei is acting, she seems to have a larger point, neh? It seems Rei has lived before, especially since she said,"Thank you," to Kaworu. In the anime, she did not say thank you ever until episode 8-15? Something like that? And it was the first time in her 14 years of living that she said it. So I wonder if she has lived enough to say such things a bit more easily? - Or maybe she feels Kaworu cares for her being? *Curious*
So yeah, the main thing is to try to delve into other character's thoughts a bit more, make sure you fix the quotes and dialogue, and look for spelling mistakes.
What you did well was the dialogue in general, Kaworu and Rei's philosophy, and the basic personality of the characters. - Oh, and some nice descriptive lines! -
Hope this helps!
| Tamaki chapter 1 . 1/5/2012
Hello Amitakartok. -
First off, I would like to say I am amazed at your dedication to write this story. I also like the fact that you use less common words, such as,"Planetoid," and what not, it is a nice touch.
Another nice touch that you have here:
"As it closed in on it's unsuspecting kill, any observer standing on the planetoid's surface would have seen the multitudes of lights rapidly fading in and out of existence around the bluish planet. Yet these weren't like the peaceful stars seen elsewhere.
A sudden change in viewpoint reveals the true nature of the anomaly: hundreds of thousands of craft were engaging each other in a deadly battle. The ever-present debris clouds evidenced high casualties at both sides, yet more continued to arrive."
It was a nice attempt at a contrast. Contrasts are nice to have the change. "Lights... fading in and out of existence..." was a nice line, and almost gives a trainquil atmosphere. And then the,"... thousands of crafts engaging each other... in battle... debris clouds..." etc., were a nice touch on it too.
I also like how you seem to have researched the Japanese culture a bit, using the word "gaijin" (it is fitting since it means foreigner/alien! XDDDDDDDDD). Nice touch.
Now, when it comes to quotes, I believe you can quickly catch on to how they are to be used since, again, you have wonderful dedication to your story, and you have the soul of a greater author/ess within you, so I believe that you will triumph over it.
Now, let me take a quote that can be fixed:
„Shitshitshitshit, shiiiiit!" -huffed the teenager running on the path towards school.
Now, two things with this.
First off, do remember to put quotation marks (These: ") at the beginning and end of every utterance.
Second off, the "-" is not required. Fortunately, it is not needed, so yeah.
Now, with the bolded voice, it may be a good idea just to write at the beginning of the chapter that the bolded words equal mysterious character. Also, it may be good to write that italics equals Kaworu's (or person's point of view)internal dialogue.
So, I take the fact it is in year 2041 meaning that a third impact of sorts has happened? Even though the summary says instrumentality did not happen, well, when Shinji and all the other characters for 14, it was year 2015. I am curious how you will answer this question.
Also, why is Kaworu so different? Is there a reason? It is almost an opposite to the Kaworu we knew within the tv series. As it was, Kaworu was a fairly gentle man, did not truly relate to the "Lilim" culture, as he put it, was introspective in that he wondered who it was best to let survive, and showed an interest in the arts of the Lilim culture. Even when he was to be killed, or when he attacked, he had a calm facade, and was drawn to Shinji's isolation and personality.
The Kaworu you portray feels more like an original character. Has he been reborn as a complete human? I can see the frusttration with him being late , almost. I just doubt that Kaworu would say,"... manliness has standards," or,"Seriously, who the hell dresses like that? Other than attention whores, obviously." Kaworu seemed more observant than judgemental, as he did not think of Shinji,"What is up with that wimp? Maybe he has a daddy issues," and more so thinking of how frail his heart is, and what not.
So I am curious if there is a reason why Kaworu's character seems so different? Is he more like himself in other chapters? I can understand if you felt like, because he was only in one episode, really, that you felt there was a lot that could be said about his character. I just don't feel like these are his roots as a character.
I am happy you got the fact he smiles constantly right! xP So, is there a reason why his character portrayal is so different from the series? I do wish to know why. If his different character relates directly to plot, I can get that.
Anyway, hope to read another chapter, and good luck with your journey! I believe you will do fine. -
| enigmasky chapter 1 . 11/6/2011
Hey, read your request on the forums so I'd thought and read it. You have an interesting plot line but there's several things I would like to point out that would help you make it even better. Firstly, the dialogue. At times it seems coherent and fluid but just when all seems fine it takes an odd turn. Sometimes it's just haphazard forcing me to infer a lot without being given enough information. You have a nice flow of detail but along with that there's too many breaks between segments. Telling a story involves linking the pivotal moments together seamlessly. You have something here but I suggest you polish it by editing, revising and reworking some of its weaker points. You can write so I know this constructive criticism will help you. Hope to read more soon.
| Jefferson Twilight chapter 1 . 10/20/2011
I saw that you were looking for reviews in the Eva forums.
I'm sorry, but there are some outstanding things about chapter one that are just problems.
There are several typos in the introduction. Now, everyone's human, but it harms the serious tone of the intro.
The thing that made my just say "Nope, I'm done here" was the funky upside down quotes you were using in the first bit of the actual chapter.
A few grammar issues is frustrating, but doable. I cannot wrap my mind around those Odd quotation marks, however.
If you'd care to explain why they formatting is so weird with those, I'd give this fic another shot. Otherwise, Good luck.
| The Rei-Fan chapter 18 . 4/22/2011
really intense chapter, i liked it.
also liked kamina nagissa, nice touch.
| Henry V chapter 16 . 4/2/2011
You're getting quite a lot of story packed into this one. I like teh fact that Kaworu seems to be a very, very ill-informed user of weapons; it puts some credibility to his character.
Also; the ANgels have a reporting ability... Awesome! That will make his jobs a bit more interesting, at least. i wonder what the guy in the end has to do with it, but I'm going to assume he's a major player in the grand theme of this story.
Anyway, Keep it up! It's a good, easy read, with an original idea and a rather amusingtake on the lead character.
The fact that you kept this battle in one piece is perfect; since riveting situations should not be taken apart at all, it depends on howthe story flows. and how well this one flows!
anyways, enough of my ramblings... Well done and thank you for sharing!
| Henry V chapter 13 . 3/8/2011
First off, Happy belated B-day!
"I'M A MAN WITH AN ETERNALLY BLAZING SPIRIT!"
Oh this is going to be insane! I CAN. NOT. WAIT. to hear what happens next...
Though I do find it a bit odd that Asuka is now a blonde (nothing bad though, it's a new angle so it just kind of leaps out at me XD), it probably makes sense. I take it Sheperd is a characterof HL, so if she's his daughter it figures.
Anyway, thanks for this and Keep on Keeping on!
| Henry V chapter 10 . 2/13/2011
Well, I am pleasantly surprised; You write fluently, your style is consistent through all chapters an the plot is rather intriguing as well. Congratulations! This one's definitely on my watchlist :)
Now, as much as I like the way this is going, I do have some suspicions as to Kaworu; He's acting like a Mary Sue. No offence! It's done well, it just feels that way a bit. I'm just waiting for him to make some more mistakes, is all.
Your background is awesome, to say the least. I don't know Half-Life at all, so the prelude chapter was a big help to me. I like pre-meditated fan-science, cause it gives the tech some resemblance of reality, a possibility so to speak. after all, everything has its limits, right?
Keep this up! Riveting as it is, I can't wait for the next chapter.