|Reviews for Shroud Unveiled|
| tanithlipsky chapter 5 . 10/20/2014
| Hayasaka.Shion chapter 5 . 7/6/2012
It's a very funny story and made for some great laughs! Thanks for writing this! Update please!
| None8756 chapter 5 . 4/16/2012
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE UP DATE THIS SOON! I have fell in love with this storay and I have to read the rest!
| Shirohonoo chapter 4 . 11/26/2011
I love'd this fanfic. Very funny, I was laughing the whole time. Keep up the good work!
| kos-mos20 chapter 1 . 10/31/2011
I always liked the Zanpakto spirits. Still reading.
| Moonlight's Shadow Warrior chapter 4 . 10/9/2011
Loved the chapter. I'll place a link to this story on my profile in case anyone wants to critique it. Hope that'll help.
-Moonlight's Shadow Warrior :D
| Moonlight's Shadow Warrior chapter 3 . 10/9/2011
Again, look up quotation marks. Can't stress it enough. I really liked the chapter though.
-Moonlight's Shadow Warrior :D
| Moonlight's Shadow Warrior chapter 2 . 10/9/2011
Good, but look up the rules for quotation marks. Also, try using less adverbs and use more variety in your words. Hope that helps.
-Moonlight's Shadow Warrior :D
| Moonlight's Shadow Warrior chapter 1 . 10/9/2011
It was good, but I got confused at some points, mainly the beginning. Also, the 'snorted rudely the demonic Kazeshini' should be 'rudely snorted the demonic Kazeshini'. Hope that helps.
-Moonlight's Shadow Warrior :D
| Ax13 chapter 4 . 10/3/2011
Ok. Chapter 4 review:
This was a good chapter.
The detail on physical actions was justified, since Haineko's bunch of friends would try to avoid being too loud with their eavesdropping and gossiping, so the detailed body languaged actually had a purpose this time.
However, there is still a problem to be addressed: Up so far the story has been introduction and teasing, but there is still a lack of a conflict whatsoever, so the reader might just assume next chapters will just be more teasing and then smut, which wouldn't be as interesting if there occurred an actual conflict or obstacle between Haineko and Kazeshini.
Perhaps an antagonist or a rival could do the trick.
Something that makes the story unpredictable and exciting.
The reader should be left wondering about HOW it's the story going to develop next.
That's one of the reasons why i don't like tag system:
Knowing the fic subgenre is Humor and the pairing is Haineko & Kazeshini already spoiled a big part of the surprise.
Wish they didn't specify pairings at all so the reader becomes actually intriged.
So that's pretty much my reviews so far.
| Ax13 chapter 3 . 10/3/2011
Chapter 3 review:
The pacing picked up considerably since chapter 2, it is still sluggish though (Mainly due the amount of detail when it comes to describing normal movements).
I'd advice to refrain from being so descriptive over things that hold no special meaning or where there is no reason to focus too much time in describing them.
Being very detailed when describing a certain action can be used to focus the attention of the reader on that determined thing happening. But if it's overused (like it happens in this fanfiction), it loses its charm very fast and it gets tiring for the reader.
Chapter 3 strong points:
1- Interesting interactions happening, Haineko building tension, followed by Kaseshini's raising the bets and fishining by Haineko's attempting to build emphaty.
2- The mention of the kid from that episode.
A fanfiction having links to the original source makes the story more believable.
If i were you i'd shorten chapter 2.
| Ax13 chapter 2 . 8/31/2011
God damn, this chapter was... AWFULLY BORING.
Ok, let's start by the biggest flaw by recapping to last chapter's last line:
"Heh, women…," snorted rudely the demonic Kazeshini, and stepped forward, his dark skin barely lighting up in the single light that hung in the room. His long hair mane swished as he walked forward, placing himself next to Haineko, as she sat back onto a table chair, and began the meeting with this simple phrase, "So, now that we're all here, we can plan properly. Any ideas?"
What is this? A cliffhanger, which created expectative towards something happening with that.
The problem? That chapter 2 blatantly ignores it and then falls into an ungodly wall of words which narrates with an excess of detail a series of irrelevant actions, which also feel highly redundant since they're all drinking and most of the chapter is used on describing in a row how each character drinks.
In a nutshell: NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENED!
And while using drinking as a resource of sexual innuendo was a good idea, it's used TOO MUCH and to make it worse in a row, so the effect of excitemente it should cause in the reader fades by quickly after a couple of paragraphs.
And things like this:
"lazily positioning the cup to her lips and jugging down a far portion of her soda, absentmindedly allowing a few husky moans to escape her throat as she swallowed the orange soda"
This part was kind of redundant.
"As to the kimono girl, the pain no longer stinging as badly, placing both her hands onto the beige-colored, vine-resembling cup, the top, middle and bottom all extended into wide and cylindrical extractions almost protruding outward, Tobiume thought curiously to herself, "New model? Hmm...", observantly inspecting the contraption, she continued with "Feels lighter and looks wider, good for carrying a bit more water than the others..."."
This was too long and uninteresting.
"The cubes are freezing, but at least I'm awake"
Near the end of the chapter the pace slighly speeds up again... but still nothing interesting happens.
Man, i'm being harsh but honest. A good story NEEDS to be able to keep up the reader's interest.
I was personally expecting that the story pacing was going to speed up after the first chapter, but this was a total letdown.
A couple good ideas to keep interest:
1- Plan ahead the story. Think about a core idea before writting a chapter.
2- Prioritize the things you want to write about and then dedicate a proportional amount of text to them.
How relevant is the act of drinking a soda? And how relevant will it be after just reading about someone drinking a soda?
3- DON'T WAIT TOO MUCH TO INTRODUCE A CONFLICT.
I already read two chapters and there was no conflict whatsoever.
Without conflicts the interest dies fast. It's like i'm watching a boring slice of life show about high school girls talking about ice cream cones.
4- If the category says "Humor", then be sure to write things which are funny.
Unlike the first chapter, this one had nothing at all in that department.
5- Modulate the story pacing.
There're moments when perhaps it's better to slow things down when it comes to the narration, but if you're going to talk about mundane, common, unninteresting things, then it would be better if you didn't spend a whole chapter on them.
6- INTERACTIONS make everything more interesting.
Much more than introspections about dull or barely relevant things.
7- Create TENSION between the characters. This gives place to amusement regarding the reader not knowing what to expect it's going to happen next.
If there's no tension, there is no risk, no danger, no surprises, no fun.
And no, this:
"Once again, more potential blackmail, more juicy gossip for this fairy Zanpakuto to give out", slyly muses Suzumebachi in her thoughts"
Doesn't count as tension, because nothing really worth of gossip happened between Tobiume and Snakey.
8- Carefully plan plot twists so they are both surprising but still have some base or at least a small hint or foreshadowning.
9- If you're having "Writer's block", rather than stare at a blank page and despair not knowing what to write, relax and start doing something else. And then use a notepad to write random ideas you come up with during the day which could be used for a story (Like Tite Kubo).
Lack of inspiration happens to everyone, don't force yourself to write about things you don't even feel like writing.
10- If you're planning to write a fic and find yourself out of ideas, re-watch or re-read the source material.
11- Don't force yourself strict timelines when it comes to releasing chapters.
One great chapter in a month is totally superior to 4 bad or mediocre ones. Great things take some time, just look at the best mangas out there, they're not weekly or have hiatuses because the authors don't want to rush things up and ruin them.
12- Don't pay too much attention to critics. If you're happy with what you wrote then it's good. If not, then change something.
This was my review for this chapter. No hate.
| Ax13 chapter 1 . 8/30/2011
Alright, i finally got the time to calmly read the first chapter (I abhor interruptions when reading, and unfortunately i'm not living alone so it's damn noisy most of the time).
I'd like to start by stating the obvious: It's very well written, sports an extensive vocabulary, and it is very descriptive.
Especially when it comes to Haineko, whom obviously has infatuated the writer to a high degree.
This fact seems beyond evident after reading the first two thirds of this chapter, which exhibits such suggestive and carefully narrated details regarding the naughty zanpakutou catgirl's anatomy that it makes the reader wonder about how many smut fanfictions has the writer done before creating this. Not that i'm complaining, albeit i don't possess an enthusiasm for Haineko's exhuberant mammary glands as high as the writer's.
I am indeed pleased with the development of the first chapter. However, i feel that at some points the story lags around meaningless details, mainly about furniture or the such, which makes such parts a bit dull. It also makes the pacing needlessly slower.
The title description seems to foreshadow a future romantic and/or sexual development between Haineko and Kazeshini, but honestly i am not particularly a fan of pairings between Zanpakutou characters so i don't know if i will find next chapters interesting.
It's very well written and very descriptive.
The writter must have a raging boner for Haineko and knows how to write smut.
I like so far how is this fic going, but the pacing overall is slower than what i'd prefer. Looks like it's going to be full HainekoxKazeshini and i've never shipped filler characters so i don't know if i'm going to like the next chapters or i'll find them boring.
Anyway, there's no doubt about Serocco's skill when it comes to writing about female characters doing blue balls-inducing stuff.
"Saw a bunch of bugs all over the area, had to protect my skin, so I brought down and put on the grassy swimwear, but it was still dripping wet, so I was soaked the entire time"
Looking forward Mature rated fics.
Will read and review the rest of the chapters tomorrow.
| rm928 chapter 4 . 7/16/2011
this stuff is good. NOW GIVE ME NEW A CHAPTER DAMN IT! I like reading material!
| JD Santiago chapter 4 . 4/9/2011
Finally my long overdue review is here! I read the first half of your fic way back two months ago but real life is a pain in the ass so yeah. Reeeally sorry! T_T
I find it very interesting how you switched from humor to a bit of serious, romantic (more of sexual?) tension as the fic progressed. And your attention to detail is really good! It's easy to imagine what you wrote down. I would suggest that you keep the paragraphs a bit shorter for easier reading. (Then again, that's probably just for me. :D)
Although my initial impression was that this was going to be a Senbonzakura centric story, I wasn't disappointed by the shift to Kazeshini/Haineko angle. I wonder if now that the tension between Kazeshini and Haineko have become obvious, will Tobiume and her friends switch their focus on planning on getting those two together? Maybe they could rope Senbon-sama in the plan. Hoho that would be bloody ironic! [lol]
Do continue this! It's especially interesting that you wrote about a Zanpakuto couple that is fairly new to me (Usually I read Senbonzakura or Zangetsu/Sode no Shirayuki, Tobiume or Haineko/Hyourinmaru). And write your other stories as well!
Hope to read more of your works! And have fun writing! :D