|Reviews for The Memo|
| MissMoMo1990 chapter 9 . 8/28/2012
Somebody needs to beat Phil upside the head.
| MissMoMo1990 chapter 8 . 10/27/2011
Slyth is a jerk!
But I like it! :)
| DaisyChainsAndHandGrenades chapter 5 . 4/10/2011
WOOO! Vaith 3
Write more soon, need to know who the fallen solider is!
| MissMoMo1990 chapter 4 . 1/22/2011
I'm really not a big fan of first person perspective, but I really think you pulled it off! Good job! I laughed at the thought of Yue having an affair with the maid. :)
I noted two teeny tiny errors:
1. Thirty seconds on the timer was already up and I'd managed to do was make a greasy red mark across her forehead.
-insert "all" before "I'd"
2. Seraphia's face grew pale again as she choked out, "Just what are thinking about right now?"
- insert "you" before "thinking"
I really like how you're keeping the plot mysterious. It keeps me wanting to read more. Keep up the good work!
| JUCHKO chapter 3 . 10/20/2010
Hello, VVP, here are some things I caught:
"Beth's drink was getting a little low and I seized the opportunity that she was preoccupied with this to take another glance at Vaith" 'that' should probably be 'while' and you could take out the 'with this'.
For "her manner making it painfully obviously that she was itching to run for the hills." what I want to know (that you don't really explain) is why she wants to run for the hills? Is it because she's had too much to drink? Because of poor conversation? Why?
"Out of the corner of my eye, the bar tender finally took notice," replace the coma with something like 'I saw that' between 'eye' and 'the bartender' (which should be one word) since otherwise it just doesn't work.
"Then you should know full well I have full authority to place you under arrest if you don't leave my friend alone." I would suggest replacing the first 'full' with 'very' since otherwise you'd be repeating a word unnecessarily.
'"Can I get you anything?" He wondered. "It'll be on the house."' I suggest you exchange wondered for something like' asked', because 'wondered' has more of an internal feel, as if he were asking himself (which he is obviously not).
"Thank you…,Vaith." the coma is unnecessary.
"Hey, Li, I got to visit the ladies room. Are you to be okay?" you left out the 'going' between 'you' and 'to'
"So, Dahlia," Beth's voice injected the conversation. "I'm ready for my next round. You ready for your first?" you forgot the 'into' between injected' and 'the'.
"She called out to me before I could barely take two steps and said" change it to "She called out to me before I had hardly taken two steps and said"
For "And he was the most amazing man in the whole entire world." I have issues with the use of the word 'man' since he was still a boy when last she saw him. I would suggest changing 'man' to 'guy', since that isn't age specific.
"and so swallowing hard, I requested" you forgot a coma between 'so' and 'swallowing'
I agree with the VP, that Seraphia is out of character and that you should probably revise it, making her less coarse.
I do like how you had the misunderstanding about which Master Wizard was being talked about (I also like how you used my idea about Vaith). Well, good job and update now that you have my review (sorry it took so long, I've been busy writing papers).
your friend and 'P' (since I mentioned you as 'VVP' and her as 'VP')
| beca chapter 3 . 10/11/2010
It is good but I think that princess Seraphia was mean at some times. In the books she gives the impression of being really mature for her age and having a perfect behavior. Here in the book she was treating the maid like garbage. the rest of the chapter is good, and again I want to know what happens next.I will be waiting for the next chapter.:D
| JUCHKO chapter 2 . 10/6/2010
1) "I settled into the bare mattress and for a spell and made an attempt to build myself up to the task." take out the first 'and'
2) "What you're actually going to what to do is let Yue" 'what' should be 'want'
3) "I was able to get about two hours of sleep as lights out were at twelve and I was admittedly excited enough about finding Sylthfarn's journal that two hours seemed to more than sufficient in the end." This sentence confuses me. I'm not getting whatever message it's suppose to give. Maybe try re-writing it.
All in all, it was pretty decent. I do like how you had Yue first meet her (and I already told you I liked the idea about Vaith). The last section about her going and searching for the journal seemed almost like it was just randomly placed at the end, having nothing to lead up to it. Maybe you should work on transitions or something of the sort.
| Beca Pando chapter 1 . 10/1/2010
this is a really good chapter. I actually enjoyed every bid of it and it kept me engaged. I can't wait to read the second chapter. :D
| DaisyChainsAndHandGrenades chapter 1 . 9/13/2010
Please write more soon! It's a really good up and coming story!
| JUCHKO chapter 1 . 9/12/2010
You have a great story idea blooming here, and the summary was good at catching peoples attention. There were some errors, here are a few of them:
"Trust me, you'll get…someday," you left out the it
"I hadn't looked at the thing even once in all this time, but I'd always kept close at hand in my purse" Once again you left out the 'it' between kept and close
"I had been standing at a fruit stand on the next block over, begging the owner to give me work, while he continued to just push me away and mutter about how had no work for me." between how and had should be 'he'
"In the end I lost not only the father, but the baby as well." Change 'the father' to 'my husband' because it works better with the tense's you've been using so far.
As to ch 1 of my story, thanks and I fixed the a/e thing, though the 'was' can be left out of that particular sentence. Thanks. If you see any others, please tell me (and also, please activate your PM, so that I may PM you rather than have to speak to you either in person or via a review of your story).
Your friend, JUCHKO.