Reviews for Starlight
Low Definition chapter 1 . 2/12/2011
It's a nice little story.

As plot goes, it's sort of a drabble, so I have no complaints.

As for grammatical errors, it doesn't seem like there's anything too flagrant, either.

However, stylistically, there's some things that could definitley use some work. For some reason, the flow of your sentances feel choppy. Based off of the story itself, I didn't notice any symbolic or other literary reason to use that kind of diction. To make it flow, I suggest throwing in some more complex sentances, as you seem to focus on using simple and compound.

For example (I capitalized the word I'm focusing on, here):


"Hime turns to face Akina AND he laughs at the sight before him."


"Hime turns to face Akina AS he laughs at the sight before him."

Using the word "and" in here initially imples that Hime's supposed to laugh, until you put in the word "he." Though clarifying the subject of the subsuquent verb, it makes the sentance choppy.

Tense-wise, I would suggest switching it to past tense. With the overall lack of diolouge, it seems more like a retelling of what happened, in which present tense wouldn't be used. The tense you used, in my opinion, detracts from the story making it seem illiterate, in some subtle way.

Fixing the tense would also would fix some of the awkward wording in there.

I hope this review was helpful! Feel free to PM me if you need any clarification on the above, or if you want a further in-depth review.

Lo Def
Ananoymous chapter 1 . 12/12/2010
Once again Great job. Keep up the good work.