|Reviews for Afterlife|
| fractalman chapter 1 . 7/20/2011
Maybe you should change that to growlithe. an actual arcanine would stand a half-decent chance against 6 ekans and an arbok...though even a growlithe would be using at least an ember. (fire beats poison).
So, yeah, changing each "arcanine" to "growlithe" (as well as each "ninetales" to "growlithe") would place your story within the realm of feasibility, without having to make many additional changes.
p.s. your summary says "ninetales" rather than "arcanine", you can at least fix that, and the first chapter's mixing of arcanine and ninetales.
| GoldFlareon chapter 4 . 10/17/2010
To start off, I'd like to say that I'm enjoying your story so far. I think it's interesting, and the way you set things up in the beginning is really good. It was exciting to see my favourite pokemon, a flareon, in the story...although she died. But...came back to life. o: I have some points to make about things like the grammar and then the story itself.
-Making sure that they're not following," Ophelia said, I was waiting for him but he hasn't returned yet," she said,-
Watch how many times you say 'said'. In actual fact, as a writer, you just about shouldn't be using it. xD Also, you forgot the opening quotations before "I".
-"My name is Ophelia. Nice to meet you Salem."-
Oh no... Not Ophelia! Dx *is studying Hamlet at school* The other thing with this sentence is that you need a comma before names-before addressing a character, there needs to be a comma.
-Then Salem and the bird cried themselves to sleep.-
A sentence like this is kinda anti-climactic. It's like dictating what happened next, rather than showing us. Also, by not identifying "the bird" at this point, it makes everything about him impersonal. Surely Salem would know what he was at this point, and shouldn't you be calling him a pokemon, not a bird?
Okay, well...at the beginning the arbok refers to Salem as an arcanine, and then it says 'arcanine' in several places. But...at the end of the first chapter, and then in the summary and also the key search words, it has 'ninetales'. O.o; At this point I imagine that was a mistake and originally he was a ninetales, who you changed to be an arcanine, but just to be sure you should really read over and fix up the mistakes. As well as edit the summary and key search word.
Second, I think it's a little bit stereotypical that the arbok and ekans should be the villains. It seems silly since I'm shifty with the whole "if it looks malicious then it is, and if it's cute then it's good" thing, so just pointing that out.
Third, there's nearly no description at all. Imagine if I had no idea what an arcanine was. Then I could easily imagine Salem to be a hairy two-legged monster with buck teeth and a fancy suit. Also, since you never described him, it was hard, in the beginning, to find out whether he was a ninetales or an arcanine. Same goes for the figures (before we found out who they were). Even though their identities were supposed to be a secret, we still need a description-like the general shape. You mentioned that Ophelia had a 'humanoid' shape, but since there was no other evidence to suggest otherwise, I imagined she was a human. With a flying pokemon, which, for some reason, I imagined to be a pidgeot (just a feeling). He also needs to be described, as well as everything else. We're not seeing what you're seeing, so you need to show us.
When I first thought Ophelia was a human, and then we saw her pulling Salem out of the pit, I was so confused. "How could he/she have that kind of strength?" were my thoughts. xDD And it is a wonder. Arcanine are quite heavy, and a highly doubt a gardevoir would be capable. Also, how high can he jump? If the pit was as tall as any pokemon they'd dare imprison, then they mustn't imprison very tall pokemon. Since he can jump and latch onto a hand, then be pulled up (BUFF GARDEVOIR), like, a metre and he's out.
It's weird that all the pokemon refer to each other as animals and not pokemon...like how Salem called Bael a 'bird', and not a pidgeot. And when he called the arbok a snake... Are their animals in your pokemon world? There are in mine, but if there aren't in yours then it wouldn't make sense, and it's especially strange if the pokemon themselves refer to others not as pokemon, but as animals. It's also inaccurate.
One little thing I wanted to mention was that arcanine are twice the size of flareon, so that's a little funny...but I guess that doesn't really matter. xD But when Bael asked Salem if he could ride on his back, I was kinda like "Uhh...okay?" since pidgeot are nearly as large as arcanine. And it would be really awkward and uncomfortable for them both.
Something else I noticed was that nobody seems to be eating or drinking. I would assume that Salem was thirsty from being kept in that hole (presumably with nearly no food or drink) and when the river was mentioned, I thought he would think to quench his thirst. There's also food, which needs to be considered.
Something that didn't make sense to me was that...well, why did Ophelia and Bael want to rescue them in the first place? And on top of that, why didn't Salem ask them? It's curious as to why he seemed to almost think it was normal, and also, wouldn't he be suspicious of them and think twice about wanting to travel with them? It may be part of the story and something we have to find out (why they saved him and Alicia), but in all honesty Salem should have asked by now. Don't you think?
It's also a wonder why Ophelia cares so much about a stranger, and even pulls Bael aside to tell him off in regards to his mentioning of Alicia. I think it's a little strange she cares so much, since she doesn't know him at all, and to cry over him also seems strange... But, you know. That's probably part of her personality.
I noticed in chapter 3 that there was a part describing what happened in the morning, and then after that it goes back in time to the conversation between Salem and Ophelia, and mentions things like Bael's talons hurting Salem, but I think that conversation should be BEFORE the description part saying what happened, because otherwise you're telling us, then showing us. Whereas you should show us first, and then AFTER that you should fill us in with the details, rather than restate them.
Make sure you watch your grammar, and in some places I noticed you should have periods instead of commas. Make sure you proof read your work thoroughly before posting! Another thing is, your chapters are really short. If I was writing this story, I'd have all four of your chapters plus more as one chapter, because it's too short to be four. I have something like seven to eight thousand words in one chapter (nowadays-I didn't used to), which I'd consider appropriate. It is up to you, but I'm just saying.
I'm kinda confused as to why they're calling Alicia "Angela", but I guess that's part of the mystery of them knowing her in the past. o: It's interesting, and I'm looking forward to finding out about that!
Anyway, I like it so far. I really want to know HOW Alicia came back to life, or if she's a ghost or something, and I hope those arbok/ekans don't pursue them! I'm excited to see what comes next, and I really hope you take my advice into consideration. I'd love to see improvement in description, especially, and things like chapter length, and the other things I've mentioned. Good work, and I hope you keep it up!
| Stormecho chapter 3 . 9/17/2010
So, I've already told you some of what I've thought. Luckily, I've managed to skim over the spoilers you revealed to me for the most part - the joys of an absent mind - and I think I'll enjoy seeing how this unfolds.
x3 I expect some massive mindscrews and cliffhangers eventually~