Reviews for More than just a school yard brawl
luxlow chapter 1 . 10/10/2010
Hey L, if you want to continue with this story, i suggest you read a book called "the secret hour" by Scott westerfeld. The way u describe yourself in this is near parralel to a character called Rex in that book, which is kinda creepy. Try to ease into the story. Dont just put it point blank (e.g. instead of writing "clenching his hand" to "his knuckles started to turn white as they curled into a ball". Try stopping after each paragraph, read it out loud, then add more detail or take parts out of it. Also think of using rhetorical questions, morals, sterotypes, cliches and then subverting and adhering to them. Just think carefully about word choice aswell, you dont want to sound like you have a limited vocabulary. Instead of repeating "grey carpets" every few lines, try "The carpet, mimicing the turbulant skies above, a horrible shade of black and white clashing todether, forming one solid colour"
Nega-Bowser chapter 1 . 9/17/2010
it was cool keep it up.