|Reviews for Warning|
| Icebluecrystal chapter 12 . 10/20/2014
Hi! You are an amazing writer! And your story is awesome also I don't think that your story is cliche, it's one of the most original ones I've ever read(trust me and I've read a lot)For your writer block here's a idea for your story,: when school is out have Amy go to Ians house to try to find him, but when she gets there Natalie could say that he wasn't home and didn't come home after school, Amy will probably start panicking and call a cahill meeting with the younger generation. But when they all show up Amy is gone/missing. So the go on a mission to find Amy and Ian. As the do that the Ravens actually have captured Amy and Ian and kept them together to try to make them hate each other when it's doing the opposite... well hope that helps. Please update soon :)
| Guest chapter 11 . 7/9/2014
I think the riddle means peace or air. You can call me graywolf, you are a REALLY REALLY REALLY great writer I love your story!
| fierytwilight3901 chapter 12 . 2/9/2014
Please continue.I like ur stor
| Jay Madeleine Gryff chapter 12 . 11/9/2013
please update soon! in the scroll's (?) speech... was the black sparrow suppose to symbolize a raven?
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/12/2013
You took that from a songfic
| Higaniku chapter 1 . 10/4/2012
I love it. It would be better if you would UPDATE... Ina few days...
| vivificviv chapter 6 . 6/1/2012
PLEASE CONTINUE THIS FIC I LOVE IT A LOT!
Funny how dramatic the entire thing, but I like it!
Keep it up and update soon!
| Unicorn Ruler of Bacon chapter 6 . 4/15/2012
| Hamiltfan123 chapter 6 . 2/6/2012
| iankabrafan17 chapter 6 . 1/15/2012
I hope you will update soon, because I really like this story.
Is Amy going to forgive Ian? I hope she will, because Ian is a really nice person. I also would like if Vespers won't be mention because I haven't read the "Vesper's rising" yet.
Thanks for reading my review and I hope it wasn't a waste of your time.
| booklover1209 chapter 6 . 1/1/2012
Nice chapter. Update soon!
| MiniAsianDoll chapter 6 . 12/28/2011
Wow, that a really short class. Ian was saved by Hamilton and Jonah was saved by his bodyguard... everybody's got somebody. Update soon, please.
| MadrigalGryffindor3 chapter 6 . 12/28/2011
I liked the part where you said the Starlings refused to attend. Haha!
| gabbie519 chapter 6 . 12/26/2011
update soon please i love the story
| Yay anonymity chapter 5 . 12/21/2011
Okay, I'm trying not to be mean anymore. A little bit. I will try as hard as I can to be nice, but I'm afraid that it is just not in my nature. I will try not to add any mean, snarky comments, but that is a little hard for me. Anyway, my actual review is here:
First off, I suggest a different Beta. First /line/ and I found a mistake: 'It was kind of easy since there was a golden plate with her name, was stuck to the door'. That sentence is grammatically incorrect. It should be: 'It was kind of easy, since there was a golden plate with her name stuck to the door'
Damn...I hate it when people do this. Tense. Ever heard that word? If you have, do you know what means? And how you use it in a story? Past, present, and future. Future is the least common. 'Her room /will/ be as big as the gym in their school.' Present isn't as common either. 'Her room /is/ as big as the gym in their school'. You used present tense for this sentence. Almost all of the rest of this chapter is in past. 'Her room /was/ as big as the gym in their school’. If you want it all to be the same tense, use the last one. This problem occurs frequently throughout this chapter. Your Beta should have picked it up.
Direct speech. Another big problem. Why can’t people use direct speech properly? Why?
‘“No thanks. I like my room.” Dan said. “Have you seen the bathroom? They’re awesome.”’
That should be:
‘“No thanks. I like my room,” Dan said, “Have you seen the bathrooms? They’re awesome.”’
When the person is going to speak again, use a comma before the ‘so-and-so said’, then use a comma before they speak for the second time. Also, with this particular sentence, you said ‘have you seen the bathroom? They’re awesome.’ ‘Bathroom’ is not plural in this sentence. ‘They’re’ is. Use one or the other, not both. Again, your Beta should have picked that up.
As a whole, your grammar is quite bad. I suggest a different Beta, a registered one this time. ‘mischievous101’ is not a registered Beta. I looked it up.
Now that we’ve addressed the grammatical/spelling/punctuation issues with this, well, most of them, let’s move on to other things.
Your story is cliché. There is no way to avoid that at the moment. It is disgustingly, horrifically sappy and cliché. ‘I will guarantee you that this fic will not be cliché’? Yeah, right. Song fic? Cliché. Ian inviting Amy to stay at his house? Cliché. Ian and Amy living in the same city/area? Cliché. Cliché, cliché, cliché. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Please, change it. Rewrite the entire thing, anything to make it better!
Ian is OOC. Do you know what that means? It means ‘out of character’. Ian stuttering? Ian, who has known how to wear a tux properly since he was three, stuttering? Not going to happen! Ian asking Amy to live in his house? OOC. Think about this for a minute. Would you invite the guy you like to live at your house? Usually not!
Song-fics are cliché, against the ToS, and are usually terrible. The only time I will even consider reading a song-fic is if there is at least three times the amount of text to song, the idea is original and non-cliché, grammar and spelling is good, all of the chorus is not repeated, as the chorus is repetitive, the character is not thinking about whom the author decides they have a crush on, and it’s not just: Song lyric…
‘I wish he hadn’t hurt me…’ sob sob sob. There is more that I want to put, but I will run out of time.
This is incredibly unrealistic. Amy and Dan, even with Nellie’s money as well, would not be able to afford pure gold doors, diamond dressers and the other things mentioned. Pure gold is too malleable to be used for things such as tools, furniture and doors.
Uh, what’s a component system? Do we really need to know about the air vent? Was this chapter complete? I’ve heard of a cliff-hanger, but this is ridiculous!
There are many more issues with this ‘story, and I can’t see whether there is anything that will help.
I just wasted quite a lot of time attempting to help you fix this abomination. Please, pay attention, and get a better Beta. One that is actually registered, and has well-written, non-cliché stories.
I suggest that you follow these steps:
what you have
the current chapters to the best of your ability, following this review, plus a few others. Also, I suggest doing a web search for grammar.
the newly rewritten chapters to a registered Beta who accepts your request. Accept what they have to say.
the chapters that your Beta fixed, and continue writing in a non-cliché manner.
Please, please, please fix this. It hurts my eyes. The cliché-ness is killing me, and I have no idea why I bothered trying to help you. I should have ignored this, or flamed. But I didn't, did I? I don't review this nicely very often. Don't take it for granted.
Randomness Is Cool