Reviews for Persona: Sins of the Fool
kitanalao chapter 5 . 7/5/2013
oh... i hope junpei will help souji and his team. nice development and explanation. i hope you update again please...
kitanalao chapter 4 . 7/5/2013
by the way, i though susanoo was yosuke's persona well.. i don't know with persona 1 so well... up to you... this is nice chapter. even i question my self why yukiko seem off in this chapter. just like she tried to avoid him... maybe just my imagination... nice progress.. good job.
kitanalao chapter 3 . 7/4/2013
waw... interesting mysteri. i like it.
kitanalao chapter 2 . 7/4/2013
nice development. and intriguing flashback. making story became more collorfull... nice job.
kitanalao chapter 1 . 7/3/2013
sounds like interesting, i'll put this to my fav list
Juny23 chapter 5 . 8/17/2012
Great story! I know its been two years since you last updated, but I'm not giving up on this one! Hope you'll be able to update soon! :)
camitake chapter 5 . 4/30/2011
OH CRAP! this story is so awesome! please continue! :33333 i cant wait for and update! :)
ShadowDragoon32 chapter 1 . 1/13/2011
Wow.

This. Looks. Awesome.

I'm not going to lie, this seems like it's going to be a spectacular story, even though I've only read the first chapter. I'm usually not a fan of an alcoholic Souji, but the reasons for him being alcoholic are superb. I've never really considered the idea that being a Wild Card would cause such disasterous side effects, so I'm rather jealous of that idea. Then again, I've only recently gotten into the fanfiction, having finished P4 and just started P3.

I'm also curious to see the pairings for this story. It looks like Yukiko and Souji are a possibility, but I'm curious tosee what you'll do for everyone else. I think the Persona can talk anyway, as they always did when they were summoned, but I'm not really sure on that.

The one critiscm I have is how you just explained Souji's problems. I think you could've made the chapter better if you'd actually shown them - for example, on his way to work, Souji sees some hallucinations out of the corner of his eye. I feel like you're telling me what's going on rather than showing me, and I prefer the latter over the former. But that's more my opinion than anything.

Anyway, excellent job, and I'll see if I can't review the rest of the chapters.

Dragoon
Blazehawkins chapter 5 . 12/4/2010
This story is starting to come together really well. I'm just waiting on the next chapter! Update, please!
Ganheim chapter 5 . 11/18/2010
Chapter 2

it's only fair that my wife gets her own little bit of fun, right?"

[But Chidori’s canon end is…that was Junpei’s reason for stepping outside of his “woe is the bumbling sidekick” and into “badass still with a sense of humor” role]

He handed one to the female officer as he continued.

[I think we all knew it was Satonaka as soon as ‘female Inaba officer’ was mentioned. At least those of us who’ve beaten 4, which this fic is obviously directed to]

Yosuke latched onto quickly

[onto it]

It took the loss of his best friend, but Yosuke had finally grown up.

[Although Yosuke filled many of the same roles that Junpei did, I saw him as being extremely mature even before maxing his Slink – a great deal of that was the trauma of Saki dying, but even outside of that there are hints of somebody acting years ahead of his age with Nanako. Those things being said, I can still grant that he’d have significant changes in his life and minus this sentence the chapter still feels perfectly suited to the characters (if analepsis happy)]

I also wanted to set up the basis for Yosuke and Chie's relationship without just saying "Oh, they're together now, it seemed like a good idea."

[Success. I was expecting the start to go back to Chie snapping Yosuke out of his “wah! Saki died/didn’t like me!”, but I think this still worked. I will say that I think you did too much work to “hook up” Chie and Yosuke: they were already close friends at the beginning of the year, and Chie having a crush on Souji I think hurt that rather than helped because it pushes them both into different directions]

Chapter 3

She returned the nod, signaling Akihiko to deftly kick open the door, gun at the ready. He quickly surveyed the immediate area as he advanced into the building,

[It’s typical practice for the officer in charge of breaching to be the last one in. The breacher breaks open the door and gets the hell out of the way so the rest of the stack can muscle in. This gives the breacher the chance to take a breath and properly cover his sector. If it was a thin door and the step that broke it open led him into the room too then I guess it works, I’m just not positive about the scene]

I didn't even know you were a woman."

[I’d have thought Naoto would’ve come to terms/acceptance of this come the close of the year]

I guess you could explain to me how one of the famous Shirogane detectives came to work for the Tokyo PD."

[Not “how did you survive a point-blank incendiary explosion”?]

Chapter 4

Souji finish taking

[finished]

"What's going on, Sensei?" Teddie yelled

[What happened to his ability to sense Shadows and other strange oddities? Granted, he pretty much stopped using those in the game when he joined as a front-line member, but so did Mitsuru in P3 and they implied she retained her ability to scan]

I can't summon my Persona for some reason

[He’s not perpetually active? You just mentioned Izanagi being “physically” present]

as he might Souji

[might,]

do it again Susano-O!

[Wait, Yosuke’s evolved persona? I wonder how that’s going to affect things when Yosuke reenters the picture]

as well as the chance to reconsider

[Translation: after you’ve gone too far to go back, then I’ll tell you what you’ve signed up for. Not that this hasn’t been done before, and won’t be done again]

that plan's not likely

[plane’s]

"Yukiko-chan!

[That’s rather formal for Teddie. Every time I remember, he called her “Yuki-chan”]

"I'll get to him after we get you settled,

[Tired though they may be, they’re both filled with questions and I doubt that she’d have gone “you left me for years, but I won’t even ask what happened in that intervening time…”. I just think she’s calmed too quickly from “weeping over returned old boyfriend” to “you haven’t said anything but I’ll put you to bed”. If he yawned in her face then she’d have a stronger “something needs to come before questions”, but as is I don’t see it]

Chapter 5

"That's for not saying goodbye, jackass

[I was waiting for that for 4 chapters, since I saw the time discrepancy and “sudden disappearance” by Souji]

her new manager had supported the idea wholeheartedly, and had worked to clear the idol's schedule for the foreseeable future so Rise could stay in Inaba as long as she liked.

[That’s almost too convenient, unless a few outsiders made cancellations]

I though it was nothing

[thought]

Souji grinned.

[Things are looking up, but I think he’s spent too many jaded years not to see this as the calm before the storm]

"His name is Minato Arisato

[Cue wild shouting from Iori. At least you dealt with this, rather than dropping it]

You’ve got an interesting story that does seem fairly true to its characters, despite a few reservations I have. It's pleasantly well-written technically - however the plot and character interpretation may be, it's nice to see somebody who's taking a good, serious tack to their writing.
Ganheim chapter 1 . 11/2/2010
and strong against all kinds of attack,

[Even if this is what happens in evolving to Izanagi-no-Okami, it sounds rather too much like “gameplay mechanic” reference. Just mentioning that it had delved into all forms of elemental spells I think does a good enough job of clarifying the “it’s evolved”]

Izanagi drew his katana

[Dare I ask from where? I’d expect a wakizashi or something small enough to easily conceal and transport. The kantana is over 60cm]

fading portal dressed much

[was dressed]

more "normal" compared

[normally]

hurtling itself across the room before tackling Souji and his chair to the floor with a loud cry of "Sensei!"

[…causing a drunk Souji to vomit]

He smiled at his friend, the first friendly face he'd seen in years. He had some calls to make.

[Although he’d been forced into accepting, I think Souji reasonably didn’t seem fully happy to be thrown into this conflict, and his acceptance here seems a little too ready to just pick up and launch into unknown danger. Even if drugs and alcohol weren’t a complete solution, it was something that was working for him, and it’s human nature to prefer a stable status quo]

player characters were represented "officially".

[The manga are only semi-official, according to most of the debates I’ve seen. I also haven’t read them (I like translating as a hobby, but I’ve never been drawn to graphic novels). I would take them like fanon: if their information works for you then it’s valid, if it’s an obstacle then it’s easily enough changed]

Your story is off to a good start, but I’ll confess that I’m automatically suspicious of “fix-fics”. My other concern is that Souji is rather quick to say “okay, I just barely saved the world, I just barely started to find a way to control my psychotic life and power, but I’ll jump back into the fire for people I never knew”. Namely that he’d finally started to be comfortable with using alcohol to control his psyche, and then this threatens to make everything fall apart again but he seems to express no hesitation. Still, the plot and characterization otherwise seems to be fairly well done.
KeRose chapter 5 . 10/29/2010
Ahhh, So so sorry for the late review. Life and school has gotten me busy. You'd think that coming from the 56th school out of the Top 200 would allow me more time to do what I want. But meh, I digress. Review onward.

Corrections/Critcisms:

""I didn't want to piss anyone off by being too friendly. I don't deserve you guys' friendship after leaving like that."" I don't really like the informality of saying "you guys' friendship". It sounds great for casual conversation, if that's how you want Souji to be. But reading it out like that made me stop a bit. And I see that what you want to do is make it be a you-collective, instead of singular. My correction (thought not best) would be "all your friendships". 's' at the end of friendships to kinda clarify its more than one person.

Commentary/Praises:

""Sorry, I just can't imagine you vaulting over the front desk, especially in a kimono. You're lucky you didn't end up flat on your face."" What a way to start the chapter up. Honestly, I didn't think of Yukiko falling. I was too caught up in the emotions of the moment. Just like Yukiko was.

Although this progression is sorta cliche (more like canon?), its always fun to see that Chie became an officer, and Dojima climbs the ranks.

"The gurgling sound of an empty stomach echoed across the table towards Yukiko, followed by Chie wrapping her arms around her midsection in mock agony." Nice work. An easily imaginable transition scene that would fit in the game, fading to black and showing Souji waking up the next moment.

"Yosuke strode across the room as Souji stood, and without warning swung hard with a right hook." Its already been stated in previous reviews how awesome and entrance this is. So I'm gonna spoil you some more: That was an EPIC entrance, totally in-character, and defintely something irrational, yet subconciously rational, thing for our favorite Magician to do. More so, the effect is compounded when Yosuke picks him up after the hit to give him a "tight, one-armed embrace" (Is it not quite a hug? But like a macho hug? I've never had to use it on my true guy friends. We're manly enough to to do bear hugs!)

""Though I have to say," he added with a sly grin, "it's made things a lot more interesting in the bedroom."" Yet more in-character-ness for Yosuke.

"Now c'mon, hurry up and get changed while I go wake Lazy the Bear." I love Teddie's nickname. So fitting. And also, nice reference to in-game P4 with Yosuke and Teddie living together.

Typical Rise, jumping on Souji. And here it is again, "Kanji wasted no time in pulling Souji in for a quick, one-armed embrace". Another guy not to comfortable with his orientation enough to forego it and give a two-armed hug. (LOL. I am KeRose. Hear me rant!)

Thank you for the general happening of the Investigation Team. Not too burdeningly (a word?) detailed, but concise enough to provide facts as well as loose enough to to provide mystery for future use.

"Though his disappearance had significantly hurt all of them, Souji's actions had also played a role in shaping them into the people they were today. " LOL Provided you maxed out the links for the entire team (which I did on my first game run, ignoring everyone else in Inaba _)

Ahh, I forgot Junpei is Magician too, I have to think a way to differentiate them now. Lol. And I've said in previous chaptes, about Junpei's in-characterness. Good job again. But wait, Chidori makes an appearance. Yay. Curiously, Are you going by canon, and having Chidori know nothing about the Dark Hour? Or are you creating your own line, where she does know, after Junpei tells or something?

Haha, Teddie wants a beer (bear? beer? pun-ny?), Yukiko gets refined wine, and Rise goes all exotic with a margarita.

Story recap of Souji is good. And it shows exactly what it is he is willing to reveal to them. Hmm, Margaret is mentioned? Then new game plus, I assume? Now, more backstory recap for P3, with Erebus, Nyx, and the Seal.

Wait, if Junpei heard them the other night, does he them now? If he did, I'd imagine him vaulting the bar, being excited that there is another persona user, just like him. (Because that was basically his biggest character flaw in P3: wanting recognition for the heroics) Interesting.

Once again, I have spoken too soon. Junpei immediately makes a call to, I assume Mitsuru? Yup, I nailed that one on the head.

And end review.

Great Job, as always. You are proving to be consistently good with your quality as well as schedule of updates. But its no blame to you if you cannot keep on schedule as I am with the review, because we all have lives outside of ffnet right?. Anyways, great job, and it seems we picked up another reviewer, the one right before mine. I wish you get even more people to recognize your works. I feel that his was a break-from-the-action chapter, and am hoping/looking forward to an action sequence coming up.

Till next time.

K( )
Gorsecloud chapter 5 . 10/25/2010
Five chapters in and you've got me hooked. I love where this story is going so far, the premise, the characterization, all of it. Another especially neat thing is the way you've already neatly wove threads from P3 and P4 together prior to the fic's starting - Junpei and Chidori moving to Inaba and starting a business, Naoto partnering up with Akihiko, Souji taking the Kirijo Group's medication, not to mention the premise - it made the mixing of those two stories in particular (since it's what you see in a decent lot of fanfics) feel a lot more fluid and natural, rather than "the story starts now let's start mixing the casts together". I'm not as familiar with Persona 1 and 2, but nothing seemed very jarring from what I've seen so far.

Also, I nearly laughed out loud in Chapter 3, which Akihiko and Naoto both found out found out the other was a Persona user, and the first thing that's said is essentially "So how long have you been one?" Just... taking it in stride. It just WORKED, made sense for the characters, and their current situation - in the middle of a battle they weren't sure was over.

I'm really curious to see where this story will go from here. :) Keep up the great work, and I look forward to Chapter 6!
XoreandoX chapter 5 . 10/25/2010
I am pleased with what you have done for a preparation chapter, you've introduced the the Investigation team to the problem at hand, all while mildly touching back on older issues in the previous chapters to help remind some people about what happened before in addition to making the reasons for Souji's disappearance clear and reasonable. To be honest this was well set up including the foreshadowing of SEES which will most likely bring Naoto back into the fold as well. So well done on your part once again, so keep on what you're doing.
Astrih Konnash chapter 5 . 10/25/2010
Yosuke punching Souji and greeting him after just what I expected to happen - totally in character (the others' characterizations are well done too)

I foresee a P3/P4 meeting in future chapters - how it will happen will be reeeeealy interesting

Waiting for next one!
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