Reviews for Those Two
someguylol chapter 3 . 10/11/2010
I like it. The OC isn't that bad. Only complaints throughout the whole fic is; Im confused as too who is talking sometimes lol ( I figured it out eventually) And breaking the fourth wall (Not too much of a big deal.) But good job. Keep it up. D
ronelm2000 chapter 3 . 10/11/2010
Oh goodie! You've improved!

But still need more work /

A few incomplete sentences were scattered in your chapter...

But at least this chapter's longer, and the plot is still as great. D
TheFiestaLord chapter 3 . 10/10/2010
I like that it was longer this time, but it did also seem pretty rushed as well. It wasn't that bad, though it was kind of confusing (It could be because I'm sick, but it was nonetheless. x.x) But still, I can't wait for another update. :)
ronelm2000 chapter 2 . 10/4/2010
You're not just the only commentator here...

Actually I wanted to comment on the first chapter, but I was busy with my own on to the criticisms!

Okay, it was longer than the first chapter, but not long enough. Try squeezing in more scenes in every chapter. At least 3,000 - 5,000 words is enough to make a full chapter, although in reality most 'real' novels go for around 10,000 words per chapter. But at least make 3,000 words.

Second, I know it's more organized than you seem, but try avoiding scripts.

Third, Try following the rule of every full dialogue equals a new paragraph.

Examples of applying the tips:

YS: Hi, I was so exited to create another. I have so much in store for this story. And hopefully this chapter will be longer. By the way, I own Luck-

Kagami: *whacks YS*

Tsukasa: Don't lie. EVER!

This is more fitting... (You can do better than this.)

"Hi!" YS stood with Kagami, Tsukasa, and Konata as they prepare for introducing the next chapter. "I was so exited to create another."

"I have so much in store for this story." YS further continued. "And hopefully this chapter will be longer. By the way, I own Luck-"


Short comment: Note that the 2nd dialogue in these 2 paragraphs weren't on a new paragraph. It's because it refered to the same speaker. ;)


Kagami suddenly whacked YS, resulting in a very much one-hand beaten YS and an inevitably painful scar in the head. "Don't lie. EVER!" Tsukasa said, a bit angry at YS, but after a while calmed down.

"That's a scary face," Konata plainly said, sweat-dropping.

"Don't mind them," Miyuki tried re-diverting the scene so herself so that the story would finally start. "On with the show."

But hey! This story has got a lot of potential, and I like stories about Konata-ism (meaning the theory of Konata being as powerful as Haruhi is)
TheFiestaLord chapter 2 . 10/3/2010
Haha, the ending was kind of random and cracky, and it kinda made my day (Considering my day started at 3 am to loud screaming and yelling, to later find out my brother destroyed his guitars - which were my only source of playing electric - all to spite our father, and because he was drunk as hell, and didn't care, but anyway) I like how this is going still, the potential is definitely still there, you just have to make it longer!

Shame I was the only reviewer. :[ Hope you get more.
TheFiestaLord chapter 1 . 10/1/2010
It's an interesting start, but a wee bit short. I'll give your story a shot, :P