|Reviews for Spiral|
| JuunigatsuFutsuka chapter 2 . 10/20/2010
OH, THE HOTNESS *-* Nice chapter, I enjoyed it!
Even though you managed to write something like this without reaching the M-rate, I think that if you wanna go further, bumping the rate up would be a good idea. You're currently in the borderline.
Not that you're being too explicit, but enough suggestive :P
Anyway, just my opinion ;)
Keep up the good work!
| a.ragdoll chapter 1 . 10/20/2010
Awesome, please continue! :D
I hadn't even considered the ending-credits version of the band as an alternate universe, very cool idea.
| orangefispop chapter 2 . 10/20/2010
oh this was a good chapter! Pretty interesting, and poor Azusa getting all confused... I look forward to another installment. Also, if you plan to have the hidden thing in Azusa come out and Yui to tame it, you will probably have to change this to M. The chapter was like border line.
| 11133322 chapter 2 . 10/20/2010
this seems to be shaping up to be a good story, I was intrigued by the first chapter and the second one certainly cements that impression. And the amount of reviews you got show you seem to have struck a nerve, so by all means continue.
Don't worry too much about OOC. Of course, that doesn't mean writing what is basically an original story with original characters (that just happen to have the canon names slapped onto them) may not be considered 'good fanfiction' per se, but what matters is just that the story is good; so rather the point is to make the change of the character believable and understandable for the reader. Often in the end of a long fic the character is different than at the start, and that's good because it imparts a sense of journey and growth when it's described well. What you did (and where your squeamishness about ooc may come from) is that you had the characters already changed at the start, and now in the course of the story have to retroactively explain how it came to be. But I'm confident that you'll do that well, as symbolism like the picture frame already hints at a backstory. You have a divergence point from canon in the past in mind which set in motion a chain of events that shaped the characters from thereon differently to their current state. So, in the course of the story, relate that chain of events back to us (maybe having it discover and unearthed piece by piece by Azusa, our audience stand-in). If it makes sense and is well described, the reader will follow. So that's what I'd say to the band members' characterization. As for Azusa, she's done well and for me basically keeps in canon, a teenager struggling for her personality. In the series, the band, with their different world they show her, is the instrumental reason for her growth, and I guess the same thing will happen in the story (even more, because both the repressedness of Azusa and the outlandishness of the Band are taken further). In the series we also see her tsun/strict side, but it makes sense that this hasn't come out here, because she isn't in a position to order anyone around.
Your dialogue writing for the most part is good, the exchanges are timed well and meaningful and it conveys the unique personality of each character (I know, Azusa keeps mostly stuttering, but I guess that's kinda the point in that part. Yui's voice reflects well the character you want to portray, mysterious, elusive and in control). You also seem to have a well enough command over literary devices such as metaphor etc which makes the scene descriptions more engaging to read than mere plaintext, a skill that will come in quite handy in a fic that focuses on aspects of the sensual.
I am intrigued by the rare hedonistic portrayal of the HTT and look forward to reading more tales of debauchery and decadence, it's a rather unique setup that will be enjoyable to explore. I also appreciate (as a musician) that you alluded that also the music (and industry) will play a role in the story. Pesky producers, eh ? I imagine they already had a fixed guitarist candidate in mind, were pushing for the random strawberry draw just as a meaningless rigged PR-stunt, and Yui (being Yui) now plays by her own subversive agenda. Suspenseful. On that sidenote, I like the pretty open and confident attitude towards sex and sensuality that the band for the most part displays. Contrasts nicely with the usual repressed "oh it's so wrong but it feels so right"-squeamishness, which I find rather unhealthy and the source of much frustration in our lives, but hey I could write an essay about what's wrong with societal sexual mores, anyway..
I'm interested to see how you'll develop that, as the story threads are: what Azusa will become to be, and how Yui came to be the way she is. Two contrasting types and this is about their interaction and growth. That promise of "taming", for example, was a nice impact, and I'm guessing Yui will, in the process, also discover things about herself. Alas, I see the potential is there, keep up writing and realize it. Cheers!
PS: I appreciate your authors' notes, and I like it when the writer talks to the audience directly. But how about putting them all at the end instead of some at the beginning ? So I don't have to scroll through two pages of AN (some of which may border on spoiler) to get to the story. And show some confidence in your work! It deserves that. Having to explain/justify your characters personality in an off-story note is rather bad form, and rightfully so because it usually means that a writer thinks s/he hasn't portrayed the personalities convincingly enough in-fic. But you did that well enough, I already got that Yui is cool and mysterious here, no special announcement necessary. How about doing character-bios in a creative way, say like having Azusa read magazine clippings, etc. I also think it's better to incorporate backstory (like Azusa's parents, for example) into the story itself in bits and pieces rather than infodumping at the end. Remember, everything that you don't do in-story will take away from the readers' immersion. And don't warn or "apologize" about anything you're going to write (especially not in a way that may spoil what's to come). Trust the reader, and don't be afraid to let them figure out some things for themselves. And, in a certain way, forget about the reader anyway - write for yourself, about what you want to read, think "do I like this?" instead of "oh, how will other people like this?". And if you want to see what constitutes a mature-rating for fanfic, all those stories are just a few clicks away. Though I wouldn't advise taking much influence, since most are, well, of course not that well written. Sensual writing is not easy, but you already write well enough as to not do the most common beginner mistake of thinking a mere technical description of the act will take care of the excitement. Instead, it should be about the feelings (and about feelings we best speak in metaphors). Like in your Azusa-kiss scene, you've spent as much time describing what they did and how it made her feel, that's good. And the mere act of eating a strawberry in the prologue was probably more engaging than many direct sex scenes I've read. Sensuality isn't about constantly rutting like rabbits, it's an attitude and a way of handling yourself, the true measure of a sensual character is to infuse excitement and arousal into even the most mundane things.
| deathkid1313 chapter 2 . 10/20/2010
Right, this is totally erotic, ya know? I'm blaming you when I need a blood transfusion Seems like only Azusa is the kawaii-type, the others sound like they could devour every girl in a 10 mile radius..freaking HAWT! But I still need standard pairings...YuiAzu and Mitsu?
| Scrya V chapter 2 . 10/20/2010
whoo hotness. i actually really like this story, and i have no idea why anyone would think otherwise.
i once saw a quote from somewhere that i really liked and think really applies to your HTT girls: "expecting one person to fulfil your needs for the rest of your life is unrealistic." i agree with that 100% lul. seeing an aggressive/seductive mio is a good thing that one can never have too much of. so keep it coming! your yui is hella sexy... like, a 'omg i want to take you home!' kinda... yes.
てなわけで！updates go updates!
P.S. the pictures were epic, right? i can stare at them all day. xD anyway, once you get around to watching the video, i hope it gets you into a "i must write more no, thank you!" sort of mood. really hoping. but yeah, computers screw up on you whenever you don't want them to. they're programmed to annoy the hell out of you. xD
| BuRiChiFaN chapter 2 . 10/20/2010
0MGWTFH? THIS IS AWESOME! PHEW! HAWTT too. L0L. ADD to FAVEs!
man, seriously, i love this kind of mature! the physical relationships were damn jawdropper! i was like WTF with the OH-SO-GOOD i like it that there's no L0VE YET since i want to witness how they realize something beyond LUST to their respective ,mei-chan! yui's really somethin' here,huh?and tragic past? ui died,eh?
| Octent chapter 2 . 10/20/2010
Q wait *wipes drool* I was hoping azunyan wouldn't go home without a present from yui but ahhh loved this chapterr 'attempts to get brain in order'. I think you might wanna change it to M anyway if you're gonna go further than just kissing, tho this is a pretty M rated chapter by that alone prolly xDD. Ahh I can't wait to read the rest lmaos, otskaresamadeshtaa
| NekoRockK chapter 1 . 10/18/2010
.IT! u have to contuine it
contuine contuine continue!
i love this story its really well-written
can't wait for the next update story is going to my fav and so r u!
GOOD LUCK!BYE! NYANYA
| Scrya V chapter 1 . 10/17/2010
-insert incoherent blubbering here- ok me, breathe in... and out... i'm fine.
strawberries htt 3
with that law of life right there, you must continue this story. i will not take no for an answer. do it. ..
| SalemXYZ chapter 1 . 10/14/2010
Your AN made me laugh. Stop you from writing? No way! Keep writing more! :D
Well, this is a YuixAzusa story, from you. Of course I'll be reading this. Nothing much happened here, but that's just like your No, Thank You too. You make the readers curious with nicely done intros. So far, their characterizations are quite different, but you did say it is AU, a Listen! AU.
So far, KakkoYui is hot. How I wish to be that strawberry ;)Since she is my favorite character, I'd love to see how you develop her, since she is the main character here!
I certainly hope for you to continue this!
| Pastel Ribbons chapter 1 . 10/10/2010
I am really liking this story!
People really do need to make more fanfictions of Yui being in this state of mind!
And after reading this would you mind if I were to make a fanart of this?
| needtoknow chapter 1 . 10/7/2010
Eeeh? Another fic? Not complaining. Your fics are amazing! This seems interesting already, but remember, don't jump the gun on their relationships. Develop it. Not really an issue for you, but just a reminder.
| Meowzakers chapter 1 . 10/7/2010
I. Love. it. Yuiazu is bliss xD. Anyways, I really the feel this story has compared to your other works. Some grammar errors here and there, but I hope you really consider continuing this. Sometimes clattered minds can bring out the best, you know?
| deathkid1313 chapter 1 . 10/7/2010
I'm a fan of Mitsu, but this seems to be quite interesting. I hope that the cool Yui is just for the live show. Like once she exits the stage, she'll be Yui again. Yui without cuteness is...weird.
Anyways, hope you update soon.