Reviews for New begining
Elyse chapter 20 . 2/17
It was a nice story - I still think it would be good for you to take a few online english (subject, not language) courses I am sure that it would help improve your writing :)
Elyse chapter 11 . 2/17
Me again. I am truly enjoying this story but still find your writing style to hard to adjust to. For future projects, I recommend taking a creative writing course (there are some fairly inexpensive ones online); it would turn this good story into a great one. :)
Elyse chapter 1 . 2/17
your style of writing is VERY hard to read and adjust to. Its sort of like a script but not well structured with some serious grammatical issues. I hope that the story will be good enough to make up for these issues. I will read a few more chapters before I judge whether or not I can stand reading this unfortunately styled (writing style) piece.
Elyse chapter 1 . 2/4
This probably would have been an interesting story but your grammar is something you really need to work on - I could barely get through the first three paragraphs. Good plot, but in desperate need of editing/proof-reading.
The Black Forest chapter 4 . 10/8/2014
I really look forward to the next chapter.
The Black Forest chapter 3 . 10/8/2014
Pretty interesting
The Black Forest chapter 2 . 10/8/2014
um...embarrassing... Is it going to be super romance the whole time? I don't want that.
The Black Forest chapter 1 . 10/8/2014
Is Ren lying or do have the past of Ren mixed up? Anyhow I feel so bad for Ren. She is giving him all of these signals, but it doesn't mean a thing.
DreamIdol chapter 6 . 7/21/2014
its an interesting story so far; however, the grammatical errors makes some parts really hard to read without rereading to rephrase the sentence.
tinawinna chapter 20 . 4/23/2014
I really enjoyed your story, thanks for writing it. :)
Guest chapter 1 . 12/5/2013
You really need on your verb tense, it is very disjointed. It is very distracting from the story, I couldn't even finish the first chapter it was to distracting.
egwolf65 chapter 20 . 5/12/2013
great story!
Loryiome chapter 6 . 4/6/2013
I absolutely agree with evarything said by * Wild Dragon's breath *, plus you definitely need a beta-reader to correct your grammar... The story is nice though.
elle117 chapter 1 . 5/29/2012
This story sounds like it is good. However, there are so many grammar mistakes that make it hard to read. There are so many that I can't enjoy the story. So, I won't be reading this story.
Wild Dragon's breath chapter 2 . 9/8/2011
Very interesting story.

However, I hope you won't be mad at me if I state an opinion very plainly. The idea is good, however, there are a few things you could improve upon in the writing.

Have you ever heard the saying "Show, don't tell"? It's a fairly common saying in acting and in writing which basically means that instead of stating that something happened, a more interesting way is to show that it happened.

For example:

A (Tell): "Mogami Kyoko walked down a street, noticed a picture of Sho on a beautiful vase and collapsed because it was an ugly picture."


B (Show): "Mogami Kyoko stepped forward, excited for a chance to get ice cream with her best friend. As she walked, a glint caught her eye, pulling her attention towards a small glass windowed storefront displaying various vases. The vase that had caught her eye was beautiful, a fairytale like vase holding a large bouquet of roses. Pressing her hands to the glass, she peered in at the beautiful vase, imagining it in a beautiful castle. A picture on the corner of the vase interrupted her fantasies, and she paused, a small black shadow emerging from the top of her head cackling in a menacing way. Sliding down the glass her knees hit the pavement, but she didn't notice, too focused on that awful picture. Eyes narrowed, she imagined the awful picture of Shotaro burning up."

As you can see, showing not only makes things longer, but it can make a short, relatively boring sentence fairly interesting. While you don't need to go quite to that length, try to keep in mind when writing any future stories that it's always more interesting to show through all five senses, not just one.

I also noticed that you tend to have your characters talk in long, rambling run on sentences. Often a little punctuation goes a long way, and many long paragraphs can be summarized in a few words.

Anyway, it is an interesting idea, and I hope this advice doesn't offend you, but instead helps guide you to write even better.

-Wild Dragon's breath
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