Reviews for New begining
Guest chapter 1 . 12/5/2013
You really need on your verb tense, it is very disjointed. It is very distracting from the story, I couldn't even finish the first chapter it was to distracting.
egwolf65 chapter 20 . 5/12/2013
great story!
Loryiome chapter 6 . 4/6/2013
I absolutely agree with evarything said by * Wild Dragon's breath *, plus you definitely need a beta-reader to correct your grammar... The story is nice though.
elle117 chapter 1 . 5/29/2012
This story sounds like it is good. However, there are so many grammar mistakes that make it hard to read. There are so many that I can't enjoy the story. So, I won't be reading this story.
Wild Dragon's breath chapter 2 . 9/8/2011
Very interesting story.

However, I hope you won't be mad at me if I state an opinion very plainly. The idea is good, however, there are a few things you could improve upon in the writing.

Have you ever heard the saying "Show, don't tell"? It's a fairly common saying in acting and in writing which basically means that instead of stating that something happened, a more interesting way is to show that it happened.

For example:

A (Tell): "Mogami Kyoko walked down a street, noticed a picture of Sho on a beautiful vase and collapsed because it was an ugly picture."


B (Show): "Mogami Kyoko stepped forward, excited for a chance to get ice cream with her best friend. As she walked, a glint caught her eye, pulling her attention towards a small glass windowed storefront displaying various vases. The vase that had caught her eye was beautiful, a fairytale like vase holding a large bouquet of roses. Pressing her hands to the glass, she peered in at the beautiful vase, imagining it in a beautiful castle. A picture on the corner of the vase interrupted her fantasies, and she paused, a small black shadow emerging from the top of her head cackling in a menacing way. Sliding down the glass her knees hit the pavement, but she didn't notice, too focused on that awful picture. Eyes narrowed, she imagined the awful picture of Shotaro burning up."

As you can see, showing not only makes things longer, but it can make a short, relatively boring sentence fairly interesting. While you don't need to go quite to that length, try to keep in mind when writing any future stories that it's always more interesting to show through all five senses, not just one.

I also noticed that you tend to have your characters talk in long, rambling run on sentences. Often a little punctuation goes a long way, and many long paragraphs can be summarized in a few words.

Anyway, it is an interesting idea, and I hope this advice doesn't offend you, but instead helps guide you to write even better.

-Wild Dragon's breath
YaoiIsMyAddiction chapter 20 . 2/22/2011
LOVED IT! This has to be one of the better stories I have read. CONGRATULATIONS! OH i LOVED IT LOVED IT LOVED IT!
xXHalfPrinceXx chapter 20 . 2/21/2011
This was such a cute story! I love all the plot twists, especially when Kyoko met her grandfather; I love how at first she thought he only saw her as a tool, but it turned out he really did love her .
merely-a-fluke chapter 20 . 11/23/2010
A very happy ending indeed.. thanks for making us readers happy.. Kyouko has got more than she could ask for in the form of a wholesome family.. friends and loved ones..

this line in particular sums it up for Kyouko. "You know Kuon, I think each time I see you change my life for the better. I love you."
FeatheredPhoenix chapter 1 . 11/23/2010
Dude you need a beta reader, to review all of you chapters. People want to read wellwritten stories, and you've got a good plot. Just let someone else read it and point out your mistakes.
Shiroyuki76 chapter 18 . 11/7/2010
such a sweet chapter and progress.. thanks for writing
Jhiz chapter 18 . 11/7/2010
Nice, sweet plot line... I like the development of Kyoko's relationship with her father and grandfather. I am glad that you let Kyoko win her grandfather over to letting her act. It is best for her. Thank you for writing such a happy story.
Shiroyuki76 chapter 16 . 10/27/2010
Well, things seem to go really well for our fav couple in this story, which is good. great job, keep up with the good work
otakuffee chapter 13 . 10/25/2010
Awesome... I just finished reading from chapter 1 to 13! phew... I sure luuuuuvvvv it...

please update soooonnnnn!

Shiroyuki76 chapter 13 . 10/24/2010
interesting story.. the plot is moving fast.

and thanks for updating often enough that I don't forget about what the story is about (it happens to me on some other fanfics that took months to update.. LOL)..

keep up with the good work.
Laura-Ella chapter 11 . 10/22/2010
I love this story! keep writing!
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