|Reviews for Happy Birthday NaruChan|
| sasunarulover16 chapter 1 . 11/3/2011
love this story
| DeflatedRaccoon chapter 2 . 9/20/2011
| CuddleLover96 chapter 2 . 2/15/2011
THIS IS SO AWESOMEEEEEEEE!
| CuddleLover96 chapter 1 . 2/15/2011
OMG! It's so beautifullL!
| asm613 chapter 2 . 1/17/2011
It's time for me to make you happy." He said quietly.
"Happy in the pants?"
that was funny. this was a sweet story. thanks for sharing.
| TheNightmareBeforeDawn chapter 2 . 11/15/2010
awww I loved this story it was so sweet!
| amsj chapter 1 . 11/5/2010
This story was just soooooo adorable and also the song you used matches PERFECTLY!
| jen chapter 2 . 11/2/2010
we needed more to that one haha good work!
| fullmoonwolf950 chapter 1 . 10/18/2010
OMG THE FIREWORCKS THING IS SOOOOO ROMANTIC I WONDER HOW THEY CAN DO THAT BUT THAT IS THE BEST PRESENT YOU CANGIVE SOMEONE THEIR NAME IN THE SKY SO EVERYONE COULD SEE AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW!
| jen chapter 1 . 10/18/2010
lol very oc but i like it!
| Mystique Monique aka Mina chapter 1 . 10/12/2010
aaaww how cute :)
| yume76 chapter 1 . 10/11/2010
reeeeally cute. keep up the good work.
| Mizuki Inuzuka chapter 1 . 10/11/2010
omg! I am in love wit this story!just my type...fast but emotional...
| narutoyaoifan chapter 1 . 10/11/2010
it was soo kawaii!
| Magical Mistress Sarai chapter 1 . 10/11/2010
I thought that this story was very cute, and I enjoyed it very much. I especially like the dynamic of a Sasuke who keeps his promise to Naruto... even though Naruto seems to have forgotten about him. However, there is something within your story that makes this dynamic falter.
It's the use of Teme and Dobe. These terms are ones of endearment (or they have become such in the Naruto fanfiction realm, especially the realm of yaoi stories). So, by having Naruto not even recognize that it is Sasuke... especially when the word Teme flashes on the phone? or when Sasuke calls him Dobe? That is very hard to believe. I'm all up for the suspension of belief in fanfiction (I've given Naruto three kids for one of my stories), but sometimes it is very hard to buy certain things. One: Naruto is a little bit obsessed with Sasuke, and two... those nicknames aren't something easily forgotten. Maybe if you just changed "teme" to "bastard"... anyone could be "Bastard" even Kiba... and it would allow for a suspension of that belief. Then, once Naruto actually sees Sasuke, he can mutter that whispered "teme" meaning that he is remembering their times three years ago.
That's the only issue I have with the plot, everything else worked together quite nicely.
On a structural note... I have a few points:
Semicolon and commas. I would suggest some study, because there are many instances where you comma splice, and a semicolon is necessary (or a period), or you throw that period in... and the semicolon would still be more appropriate for linking the ideas, like this sentence here:
"planning to skip out early[;] I opened it [outward]..."
Also this line here: -drhb-esdjgb-a-wshb-asnbd-xb-
A bit confusing. If you were indicating a scene switch... something simple like a string of letters would have been easier. I've also found that "[...]" works as well.
Another grammatical point is starting sentences with a conjunction. You start quite a few sentences with the word "or". That's the beginnings of very weak sentence structure. Most of the time, you can combine the two sentences with a comma and making "or" lowercase... and sometimes you can eliminate the "or" all together. Starting sentences with conjunctions started with a sub-facet of poetry, which subscribed to a strict meter (meaning many word were dropped to the next line to keep up the beat). Unfortunately that practice has slipped into prose, but it really doesn't work. There are a few exceptions, but they deal more with starting a paragraph or strong leading sentence. For the most part, it's frowned upon to use conjunctions as sentence starters.
Lastly, this is just a personal feeling to me, but the "oh baby" line... where Sasuke really goes OOC. They threw off the feeling of the story. Sasuke doesn't seem like the kind of man who would speak like that. If you cut out the "oh baby I'm so sorry" part and just left the line "I'm sorry, that had to..." It sound more like Sasuke.
That's pretty much everything I have jotted down in my notes. I enjoyed the story, and I loved the emotions in it. I feel that it suffers just a little from the use of Teme and Dobe, but with a little work you could fix that disbelief portion just a tad... and you could still incorporate the terms.