|Reviews for Monster|
| Xhion chapter 2 . 8/6/2012
Wow, a great Job, I enjoyed it to the end ;)
you must do a precuel where we can read how Jill was broken by Wesker, it would be awesome
| Storm Emperor chapter 1 . 5/20/2011
Great job with Jill's mental state,all the stuff going inside her head,so cool the doubt you bring us about Wesker,if he is really alive or just a product of Jill's the slight of WxJ added extra emotion.. ;D Good!
| Brokenkisses76 chapter 1 . 11/27/2010
I have to say that this Story was really good. I love how you made Jill she was just so head strong like always and always trying to fight and not give up. Even when she was really tired she never gave up. You got a good story here and i think its one of the best i have read! I love it and i hope you keep adding more to this story. I am soon to read the next chapter you got going and i hope it will be good _.
| Maiafay chapter 1 . 10/17/2010
I added this to my C2 and decided to review. Sometimes I just get lazy and add without commenting.
Stockholm Syndrome has always fascinated me, and I usually toy with it in my own stories. It's the conflict it brings to the character, the psychological mess of the victim that makes for enticing reading. Not that this isn't a serious issue in the real world, but here, it's fan fic. It's a story.
Your characterizations are done well; Jill seems like Jill, Wesker like Wesker. He's a hard one to pin down, but in the brief scene here, you managed to do it. I like how Jill is desperate, delusional (or is she?), but still is fighting to break free - even though it's doubtful at this point that she will.
I'm not sure if I want Wesker alive. For this to be all a illusion would make Jill's mental state more unstable. However, I hated the way the game ended, and Wesker being alive, visiting the only person who might (as your story hints at) understand him seems logical. I'm on the fence, but I like how you gave the reader a choice in whether he was really there, or is just Jill's elaborate hallucination.
I do want to point out, as in any well-rounded review, that some punctuation is missing in a few areas:
His fingers moved to grab her arm[,]but she jerked her body away from him.
She sprung at him[,] arms outstretched.(Semicolons must have complete sentences on either side).
She tried, but her breath was heavy[,] and her body was dripping with sweat. (If the conjunction is followed by a complete sentence, then it gets a comma. I won't bother with dependent clauses and independent clauses. They are confusing).
And you have a tendency to "float" your POV. Take this:
Fingers clenched into claws, wanting to rip the man into a bloody mess.
There is no subject in this sentence, though it's clear we are still in Jill's head, the POV kind of hovers. It's not solid; it's not clean or tight. "Her fingers clenched into claws" would give you a clear subject. You do this several times throughout, and it becomes a little distracting.
Gloved hands touched slender shoulders...should be, his gloved hands.
An arm wrapped around her back...Should be, his arm.
And so forth. Also, if in Jill's POV, and we are close, in her head, then she can't see her own eyes, or her expression. Limited third person, done right, has us seeing out of the character's eyes only. You can pan the "camera" back a few times, but then the POV will get wobbly. Once inside the character's head, stay there. Don't take your camera outside and all over the place.
Also, passive voice. While not dreadful in itself, the style's not as strong as active voice.
Her face was brought up to once again look into his...
He tilted her chin up - or - he tilted her face to gaze into his.
She found herself being brought closer to his body...
He pulled her closer to his body.
The impact against his face was so hard his sunglasses were flung off...
She hit his face so hard, his sunglasses flew off.
And this one's not really passive, but could be tightened up some. Remember, once in Jill's POV, there's no need for she felt, she thought, she hoped. You can just say it.
She felt his hands on her back quickly ball into fists before slowly relaxing against her back once more...His hands at her back balled into fists, then relaxed.
No need for quickly, no need for she felt.
Anyway, those few things I noticed the most. I tend to be more nitpicky with better authors in hopes you are looking to improve. Engaging story, and now has a place in my C2. Nice job :)
| AtheyChan chapter 1 . 10/14/2010
Loved it, but poor Jill...8C All that trauma.
| LawlessRuthlessHeartless chapter 1 . 10/14/2010
THIS. WAS. AMAZING. 8D
| cjjs chapter 1 . 10/14/2010
No...it wasn't God awful at all. In fact, it was quite good.
I really like fics describing what would have happened to Jill after being rescued. And from what I've seen so far, the consensus it that she'd be completely batty.
This fic does a really good job describing her trauma, with just a bit of Stockholm Syndrome for good measure.
| Project X chapter 1 . 10/14/2010
Hey those was pretty good!
| Ultimolu chapter 1 . 10/13/2010
...*checks the corners of her room again*
Kiko: *breathes a sigh of relief*
Wesker: Boo. *from behind*
Kiko: Eeeeyaaaaah! *runs out of the room*
...That's how scary this was.
Update soon! I like the way this was written. :3