|Reviews for Magic Trials|
| Slishes Maloney chapter 18 . 5/17
That was a really fun story! Thank you! :D
| isaalacrymosaa chapter 18 . 5/6
wow good fanfic
very AT style!
i enjoyed it
| Guest chapter 4 . 8/24/2013
Seriously funny, although kinda serious at the same time. Anyway, its SUPER AWESOME!
| madgirlwithalaptop chapter 15 . 8/10/2013
| Guest chapter 18 . 2/24/2013
Great story, but in the end you should have made things with Marceline and Finn get more "serious"
| Marshall lover chapter 18 . 1/29/2013
I love this story, I actually started writing an fionna and cake comic, like in the daydream I told you about.
One last thing, I had a dream where we were on like facebook or something and you posted something like, 'you all know I like to write fan fiction but in one of my review this girl called Marshall lover keeps writing me stupid things,' when I woke up I felt really insalted. I hope you wouldn't do that I really think your awesome
| Tallen chapter 18 . 1/5/2013
Alright, well I wore my Finn hat as promised, and read through this actually a day or two ago, not today so sorry if my memory is fuzzy.
I can see the difference in writing ability between this and Oh Marceline yadda yadda yadda its 4am I'm going to call it 13 for this review. I hate comparing two fan fictions together but since they're the same style and both by you I believe I can get away with this one. You've made definite improvement since writing Magic Trials, and some of these mistakes have been covered for, so really this is just a flush of your old and possibly more hidden weaknesses in writing.
To begin with, it seemed "forced", in the sense that the humor and adventure time feel you were going towards wasn't flowing as well as one would want it to. On top of such, it did feel like a fan fiction, not a story using existing setting/characters. This story had originality, and I applaud the trials that you thought of, but for the most part I found they were poorly executed. They could have been longer, they could have had more depth, and at the sandwich one things were so all over the place I couldn't even visualize it. Areas could use more descriptions, other parts needed less, and many just didn't quite seem right. For instance, even if Marceline is in on the whole thing with Magic Man, she openly admitted to not knowing what the trials were going to be, yet she seemed more like she knew everything about them and how to solve them instantly, and you gave her all this power when really even though she's the vampire queen she isn't invincible. Her dad has beaten her away with simple karate moves, and she can't even stand up to ghosts due to the rock paper scissors like weakness. She's never been shown as this invincible, almighty creature able to take a speeding 8 foot tall needle with the tip of her finger. Not even her deathless father could just stop it. A simple sword cut through his neck by Finn, showing how vulnerable he is.
Anyways I've gone on ranting long enough. If I had read Magic Trials before 13, I would have enjoyed it more. Unfortunately I read it after so it really just wasn't quite as good.
One more negative, and I do apologize, is that I found most of the time you would put after a line of dialog an action. If not then there would be a long list of dialog with absolutely no descriptions that can tend to make it harder to follow. Just to get an example above would be...
'His words touched the vampire. "Thank you, Finn," she said.'
Now there's only Finn and Marceline in the area for dialog, it was just mentioned that Finn's words had an emotional effect on Marceline, and finally she said "Finn" in her dialog which can only mean it is Marceline speaking, not Finn. For all of those above reasons, putting the "she said." at the end was completely unnecessary. A different example is...
'The two sat there in silence, his face in her neck, and her head resting on the top of his head. But all good things had to come to an end at some point.
"Finn! Dude! Where are you? I'm ready to party now!" Jake called from the house.
"You should go," Marceline said. "Do those party moves I showed you on the dance floor."
"I forgot them," Finn smiled, hinting at something.
She caught his hint. "Well maybe I'll go with you and show you how it's done."'
I was referring before to that "fanfiction" feel. Putting "hinting at something" just hurts to read. Anything can depict a hint than actually saying such, like a sly smile, or in Finn's case, a goofy smile even. Now to follow that up by starting Marceline's action for dialog with "She caught his hint" just makes me hurt even more. Please don't be so blunt about hints. The entire concept is that a hint is subtle and so should its actions. Marceline in the show would not go "Oh, I get your hint. Yadda yadda yadda." She would half close her eyelids and give Finn a mischievous smile, maybe start her dialog with a laugh and a snide remark, and then follow it up with the well maybe in a higher pitched fashion dropping into her condescending, cocky tone that she usually has at moments such as these.
Again I've gone on for too long on a single note. I'm sure you get the picture I'm pointing out. Some actions are added uselessly, some are blunt or obvious, both making it feel forced and amateurish. These little things seem to add up over time. In 13 there was still some useless dialog, but it wasn't quite enough to really make me remember it. This on the other hand I know I was irritated when I had to read line after line of useless moments added in with dialog.
OK! Now to look at some positives. I really am terribly sorry for dwelling on the negatives for so long. 4am on a bad day wasn't the best time for me to write a review I guess, but at least I'm angry enough to hopefully give some constructive feedback.
Originality and Adventure Time feel, 10/10 and 9/10. The 5th trial's various floors could have actually HAD challenges that took any sort of thinking and not just boring cheating such as flying over the lava. Also Bubblegum's character felt forced. Otherwise my thumb's up to you.
Better than a lot of stuff out there! I've seen some really horrible, pathetically repetative, mind numbingly boring fan fictions in my time, and the adventure time ones are no special case. At least this one captivated me to keep on reading and enjoying (Yes, despite all that hate at the beginning I did actually like reading Magic Trials) instead of struggling and suffering through half of it, just to find there's 2 more in the series and they're both equally terrible. I quit half way through the second story when I read those...
Style Fitting. It feels like an Adventure Time episode despite the whole "forced" thing, and certainly feels like more of one than any other fan fiction I've read. This felt like a single episode, maybe a double episode, whereas 13 felt more like many more, or even just a long long special (I'd watch that special in a heartbeat! FxM 3 even if I'm gay I can appriciate the adorableness).
And back to a negative, more or less a note, Jake was the most forced of them all. He can be, and he is, random at times or nonsensical, but there are often times when he is level headed and supportive of Finn. This story's Jake felt like the dump rock from dad's dungeon. 13 handled Jake a lot better actually, and I almost want to say you got him down perfectly there. He's a very tough character to duplicate when writing so to get so close in 13 I have to give you bonus points for.
So all in all, I give it a 74/100.
Its story was fantastic for an adventure time but somewhat poorly executed, it had some writing issues that took me out of the moment often, and it almost always felt "forced" either slightly or majorly.
The story was fantastic enough to keep me tied up, the style is very Adventure time esque which is highly original, and the story itself is original. The whole story feels like the TV show and for the most part was written well enough to keep me visualizing, with the exception of a few key moments.
You've come a long way writing 13 since Magic Trials, and I can see the growth you've made. It was a 22 point difference that got you into one of the hardest numbers to reach. I really do hope you write another full Adventure Time story around the same size or larger than 13 so that I can give it a 100/100 rating. I feel strongly that you could write a story that will reach a place in the hall of fame for the best of the best fan fictions I've read.
Keep on writing,
P.S. if you have any questions about either of my two reviews, just buzz me at
| marcelee05 chapter 5 . 12/17/2012
Ok, so far, so good. Rcept 4 1 thing: Jak has a viola not a violin.
| Aicidash chapter 18 . 12/2/2012
I enjoyed this written like a real episode. Good job
| AeronOfTheGuildOfThought chapter 12 . 11/29/2012
Three words. I'M ONLY TWELVE!
| Guest chapter 18 . 11/10/2012
So r they dating or wat
| Guest chapter 18 . 9/2/2012
Hey Luna, great story!I really think you should do a sequel to it! Well, I loved it. Cody out! PEACE!
| Guest chapter 12 . 9/1/2012
I thought that Marceline and Finn would kiss on the lips!Well really good chapter!But I think then should hook up. ;3
| Guest chapter 7 . 9/1/2012
It looks like she has a crush on him too!Ooolala!
| Guest chapter 6 . 9/1/2012
How come Finn always jumps onto Marceline?He obviously has a huge crush on her!