|Reviews for The Bet|
| Guest chapter 14 . 5/2
I loved it lol i read this whole story in one day thnk u for writing this
| Guest chapter 13 . 4/16/2014
Loved the story! I almost cried when Naruto called himself worthless... it makes me wanna hug him sooo bad! ヽ（ロ）ノ
| The Demons' Little Shipper chapter 6 . 4/12/2014
Note to self, Sasuke, Naruto becomes a horny boy when drunk! You just made me fall for drunk!Naru!
And you just made me forever feel that Naruto gets horny when he's drunk! XD
| ShdowR3D3R chapter 8 . 4/7/2014
Please note that you claimed that during the rape and after that Naruto was bleeding. He should have at least been taken to a hospital, cause that internal bleeding can lead to death. (For future reference for athuenticity)
| MSamthebest chapter 2 . 8/25/2013
Naruto is sooo cheerful :3
| MSamthebest chapter 1 . 8/25/2013
I like how you made Naruto. I think all Uke should be like that
| KBZ chapter 3 . 1/28/2013
The premise is really good and it has a lot of potential... but it's very dull and shallow...
The reason mainly centers on the characters and how you wrote them.
The characters aren't themselves so the dialogue doesn't flow well and doesn't sound like a conversation; the dialogue sounds like an author trying to progress the plot moving so they can get to the fun parts of writing- which I don't blame you for. This also goes along with the whole 'shallow' thing. The dialogue is just that- superficial and forced and doesn't sound like what a person says.
Neji, for example. He's stoic. Reserved. Arrogant. Intelligent. With bouts of emotion that he tries not to show. But the way you wrote him...? Sadistic (okay, strong word but still) and mean all the time. The reason this seems off is because you didn't expand Neji's traits that may have him labeled as mean and sadistic and such. You just slapped that on Neji's character. Also, he's petty. What. /Throwing/ things at Naruto? Neji is smart- a genius!- couldn't he have come up with something more creative? If anything, Neji would be throwing insults at Naruto and dealing all sort of psychological trauma. But throwing things? Geez...
Also, does he like Naruto? I mean, from the few (but painfully obvious clues you gave. Being subtle is an art it's okay but your clues were flashing neon lights saying "I'M A CLUE I'M A CLUE") is what I'm getting.
Naruto... Oh where do I begin. He is just, overly weak. I can understand that maybe the fight was beat out of him by his abusive past, but his spirit shouldn't have gone out completely. That's what makes Naruto, Naruto. But there he is, being forced into skirts and having things thrown at him without the slightest Naruto-esque retort or struggle. I guess that makes him an 'uke' or whatever as you have CLEARLY POINTED OUT WITH HOW HE WAS SO GIRLY AND SKINNY (though that's from the abuse right? I'm not sure... I skipped some parts sorry) but that is just boring. He gets rescued by the valiant Sasuke from rape and whatnot and their relationship slowly grows from there and they eventually have sex.
But, maybe you have Naruto save Sasuke from someone and that's supposed to make Naruto a strong, independent teenage boy? Idk.
Now to the shallow part... where is the character building. Sasuke denied being gay, but then there's a foreign penis in front of his face and he's not even phased and he think Naruto looks pretty in the outfit (not that I blame him but anyways) and he doesn't even bat an eyelash. So him already liking Naruto seems too forced and too rushed.
Given, you did say how Sasuke found Naruto attractive, but you made the whole physical attraction too easy and thus too boring.
Another pitfall you fell into: you overly described what Naruto was wearing in the outfit. I know you have The Image in you head and how adorable Naruto looks in it, but (at the risk of sounding cheesy) sometimes less is more. Give the general idea of what it looked like and give only the details you really want the reader to know. Otherwise the reader has to work extra hard to piece the outfit together which makes them jump out of the story instead of continuing to enjoy your work.
Also you have tense-confusion. (You'll be in past tense then present). But not purposeful tense-confusion that some authors sprinkle into their works either. Yours seem to be typos.
And you word choice. I can see that you're trying to have a variety of words, what with the whole "slumber" usage but. But. BUT you can't write in a carefree manner, using simple words and then, having run out of words for something, take out the dictionary and give us "slumber". It breaks the tone you were feeding us. It sounds cheesy, too, sorry I know you were avoiding that.
Wow this sounds like a flame sorry. But I threw my two cents in and you might not even read this which is okay. You finished the story (added an epilogue too) and that is impressive. So yeah.
| Fujoshi-dono chapter 11 . 1/22/2013
I love how much of a bitch you made Sakura seem like. I hate her so much. Yes, now she's a different person in the manga, but fuck. I still hate her. I will never forgive her. Ever. She needs to go and disappear somewhere.
| Livy.Uzumaki.Obsessed chapter 14 . 12/16/2012
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh so kawaiiii! I loved it! It was comedy, love, sadness, raw emotion, ohmygod ...and Naru-chan? Ohhh my pooor Naru-chan * sniffle * he's been though so much. This was great, fav part when he was drunk and met Sasukes father? Pure hilariousness ;-) Nice work, I plan on checking out your other writings
| Guest chapter 14 . 11/11/2012
Really liked the story, it was a good read ;) keep up the good work :D
| woodlandfairykirk chapter 14 . 8/12/2012
| Guest chapter 14 . 7/29/2012
OH MY GOSH! I LOVED UR STORY! It was F-ing hilarious! Keep up the good work. I have an account but I didn't feel like signing in.
| thisiszuruichi123 chapter 14 . 7/1/2012
i love it!
| mementomori666 chapter 4 . 5/8/2012
The theme of the story is not bad. Actually the "bet" theme and the "abusive parent" theme are some of the popular ones that I enjoy. Although, everything is going WAAAAY too easy and it's starting to become an eyesore.
The characters didn't seem like they were built carefully. Loopholes presented themselves which made the characters look shallow. The dialogues are lacking... and I'm not even going to comment on your way of writing because IT IS YOUR STYLE.
It really feels like the story was written out of a whim, and was not given much thought. I apologize if you think my review is a tad cruel. But, for an author to detach himself or herself from the birth process of creating a character or the plot itself, is even more cruel.
I hope for your improvement and good luck.
| Niinxis chapter 14 . 4/19/2012
The story was well written, but here were times where the characters reactions were somewhat off. There was also a lot of OOC fOr the majority of the characters, but this is fanfiction so that's fine. I can see room for improvement here and there but other than that the transition and story line works to keep peoPle reading. KeeP writing :)