|Reviews for Prosperous Pursuit|
| Red Cr0w chapter 1 . 5/1/2014
I AM FEEDING THE AUTHOR.
| Pheonix09 chapter 1 . 2/20/2012
That was awesome and excellent, I loved it and nice job but you should write another RENbya soon
| Writing is Necessary chapter 1 . 9/16/2011
Holy sh!t, that was hot!
I loved it!
| R.A chapter 1 . 12/12/2010
Hi, I have read both Appropriate contrast and Prosperous persuit. I loved Appropriate Contrast! It was great! Here I will give you a brief account of what I did and didn't like in Prosperous Persuit.
It was a good oneshot however, you used some words that didn't really make sense in the context of the story and what had happened in the paragraph before.
The first paragraph was brilliant! I loved "in all its mahogany glory."
The second paragraph is good until the end until "Fisting it vehemently" pulling it roughly, grabbing it violently, are some alternatives.
Third was the use of "appendage" to discribe the tongue. I realise you were going for alliteration, however that took away from the flow because an appendage is an arm, finger, leg, toe, manhood, or even on occasion (very rarely) nose. The tongue is not really an appendage because it usually resides iside the mouth and doesn't really come out or stay out for very long.
Fourth was magnificent, left me drooling ;)Fifth the same! :D
Sixth, nvm about venturesome, just use "daring". The point is to keep it simple so your readers will understand what is going on without needing to use a dictionary.
To be honest I wouldn't use either because logicallly they know each other's bodies pretty well now, so it's not really daring or venturing into new territory either. I liked devious.
Seventh: "stout" usually means short. I'm not sure if that's what you meant.
Eighth: was decent, not sure abour "exuberantly"
Ninth: funnily enough I ignored all of the others the first time I read through this until this word "hortatorily". I have a decent vocabulary, however, for this one I had to stop reading and look it up. After this one word I started noticing all of the other instances where words were used that were uncommon or did not make sense in their surroundings.
Nice work with enthralled that one did truly fit!
Tenth: Raucous means unpleasantly loud and hash sounding,It has negative connotations, you find raucous laughter in horror movies, usually the bad guy/girl (witch's laughter). Some possible alteratives include: His breathing growing laboured, Breathing louder, Breathing harder, Breathing heavily, etc. Bemused means shocked, bewildered. At this point Renji is neither, because nothing has happened to shock him.
Eleventh made sense. Reveled was used well.
Twelfth was good.
Thirteenth "rendered entirely restless" is better as: rendered entirely helpless as Renji engulfed him with his agonizingly searing mouth. Rendered means to surrender give up something.
I won't continue. It gives me no pleasure finding faults with someone else's work. I hope this small effort of mine has served you in some way. Dont stop writing. You have a gift. I shall leave you with one important piece of advice: Keep it Simple.
Make it so that ordinary people only have to look up 5 new words they don't know, not 20.
Remember Keep it simple and you'll go far.
A well meaning reader,
| xallfalldownx chapter 1 . 11/27/2010
I feel as if I just got hit in the face with a thesaurus. Wow.
That was very, very overwhelming, so much so that I had to stop reading half way through. You're a decent writer, I don't know why you had to go and throw in so many big words like that. Big words won't improve the quality of your work. Also, try not to be so repetitive when referring to Renji, 'red-headed male' got old fast.
| starstruckgazer chapter 1 . 10/29/2010
great! it's simply amazing. i love byaren (or, in this case, renbya).
| c.cristina chapter 1 . 10/28/2010
... I simply cracked laughing when I reached the word "mahogany" ... damn it xD if you watched DBZ when you were a child, you /must/ watch the channel "teamfourstar" on youtube... they kinda... "mock" it... damn mahogany xD well, onto the review xD
no, wait, before that... KITCHEN SMUT *A* okay, now I'll write properly xD
... hortato-what now? xD *skips word and reads the rest* ... *BANG* *nose explodes due to blood pressure* ... O/O I hadn't read a lemon in sooo long T_T *cries with happiness* gahah I missed this~ *draws hearts* aww damn, my brain already collapsed, I can't give you a decent, coherent review XD and the floooooof *A* *goes read it again xD*
| renjfantoo chapter 1 . 10/26/2010
LFJGK EOIRYENBLGD,FBMJD OEROJYGEKLTHNDIBFVIB RGWT'PE. TYPING WHILE TRYING TO STOP A *NOSEBLEED*!
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS DAMN THAT WAS GOOD!
| Faerylark chapter 1 . 10/26/2010
wow. put down the thesaurus will you? that was so awesomely bad, it actually improved upon reading aloud. Did you know that you used the term 'crimson-haired male' 8 times? And what exactly does 'hortatorily' mean? Why did you prefer to use the word 'male' instead of 'man'? And are you very certain that precum drizzles? Because I've never seen it do that (nor would I really want to...). I'm in a very persnickety mood, so here are the parts that made me laugh out loud.
'evoking an extraordinarily enticing moan'
'exceedingly alluring gesture to advance the process'
'"Renji, damn it!" Byakuya tossed his head back and exclaimed his vulgar protests and harsh references to the other's ancestry.' (okay this one just didn't make any sense.)
'The whole act was a test for the both of them; Renji desired so heatedly to devour his desperate partner, while Byakuya inwardly endured a ferocious battle to preserve his sane stability.' (just weird and creepy, and totally at odds with 'Lips collided chastely as if it were an obligation')
'Renji's teasing was regarded with a slight thrust of his lover's hips, to which he swiftly evaded.' (um, how did he evade that exactly?)
okay. I'm not even going to comment on the anal sex parts. Obviously it'd be a bit much to expect you to go out and actually give a blowjob or have anal sex before trying again... but why dontcha go read how other people write this kind of stuff before you waste anymore of your time writing crap that's horrid even by FFN standards.
| Byakuya-Renji chapter 1 . 10/25/2010
wooo love it hehe ] i do see byakuya givin in to renji
| HyoukyoNoSora chapter 1 . 10/24/2010
You shouldn't be uneasy at all! That was... that was mind numbing! I'm serious! I spilled tea on me 'cause I missed the mouth and hit my nose, and then someone knocked at the door ( I don't even remember who... xD ) and it took me at least a minute to turn the key 'cause I was pratically drooling while replaying in my mind the part of the story I was at! Gosh... porn was never so beautiful~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!
Lol.. you should have seen my face... I probably looked like I was mentally retarded, staring at the screen with my mouth hanging open, and sometimes giggling... XDDDDD I LOVED THIS~~~~~~~~~~! Seriously, I must have said this like... a billion times but... you write so well! It's like... the scene is just printed into my brain... imagining them doing that... lol, I feel like a voyeur... XDDDD But... I guess I can be forgiven, since I doubt there is any fujoshi out there who would be able to resist your PWP~~~~~~~!
Anyway... I really want to go read Bed Quivering to make my ByaRen day even better... so, I will go now~~~~!
Oh... and thanks, my ByaRen day is being extremely... 'happy'... */eim face*