|Reviews for Inseparable|
| Zeny chapter 1 . 8/6/2012
*shudders* that was creepy! Good job :)
| Lexical Item chapter 1 . 3/4/2011
The flow, the tone and the way the action was constructed in this story are all extremely well executed.
The stilted, halting quality in the first few lines was a good way of establishing the patient as being unwell and certainly quite terrified. The first person perspective with the occasion references to the reader was definitely right for this piece. It allowed for this subtle inclusion of Crane as something barely there, at least in the beginning. Crane is first identified as the tap of his shoes and gradually becomes more substantial until he is literally trapping his 'patient's' hands. This technique serves to include just that little bit of doubt as to whether Crane is actually there in the first place. Is literally Crane moving about Arkham physically or does his mere influence stalk his past patients? It's pretty conclusive by the end, but the whole construction, from the patient's point of view (someone mad beyond reasonable doubt), to the gradual inclusion of Crane, gives this piece a doubting, fever-dream-like quality.
The end line is perfect and I do not use the term lightly. The collective 'We' has the wonderful double meaning that either implies that this happens with lots of patients frequently, or it draws in the audience as a participant. The former is highly plausible in the context and contributes to the sense of the events and overall creepiness. The later interpretation also has the capacity to work to ways. Either the audiences witnessing/awareness of the situation makes them part of the ‘we’, or it implies (in a sideways way, I guess) that could be a participant themselves. Also having the line isolated in its own paragraph is a great way to deliver the ending.
The only constructive thing I can think of is your execution of these lines: "He sounds like influenza or pneumonia, possibly summer drought. Every breath rattles, every pause starves, every word grates." The similes in the first line are awesome. Firstly because diseases fit in with infection motif and the fact that Crane is technically a doctor. Psychiatrists are general doctors before they specialise, after all. Again, the infection and harm is made all the more significant with the Hippocratic Oath floating about and your subtle reminders in the use of the word ‘doctor’. Also regarding the ‘summer drought’: Crane's tone is always dry and you've turned it into something sinister. That mundane to sinister is a good way to describe some of the most evocative instances in this story (phew, long tangent). But constructively speaking, "Every breath rattles, every pause starves, every word grates." doesn't fit together with the preceding similes very well. They just don't seem to capture the sense of the comparison that you're trying to make. I mean, the rest of your prose seems to convey exactly what you want it to (I assume), but this particular line seems a bit awkward and misplaced. But really, that's the only negative feedback I have and the following "Dry, hoarse, gentle as a slow-slit throat." is wonderfully evocative and hits the target dead-on.
This was a great read that provided a wonderful insight into Crane's character.
| deleted9 chapter 1 . 11/14/2010
Oooh...very suspenseful and creepy. Great job :) !
| Lauralot chapter 1 . 11/14/2010
I swear I haven't died, or given up writing or reading. I've just been insanely busy and distracted as of late, something which I hope to remedy soon.
Anyway, I've been reading all the updates I've neglected in an attempt to get my head back on straight, and thank you for this. It's so awesome and dark and wonderful, and just what I needed for inspiration.
| wouldyouliketoseemymask chapter 1 . 11/4/2010
Very intense and scary! I especially liked your description of the fear toxin's effects.
| AZ-woodbomb chapter 1 . 10/31/2010
Creepy stuff. You have a knack for describing fear toxin experiences. The dragging teeth on cement part is a particularly unpleasant thought. And the laughter of children.
I like the implication that Scarecrow can do whatever he pleases in Arkham. Can move around that place like a ghost, or even a ninja ghost or something.
And now I feel a strange urge to use "gentle as a slow-slit throat" in casual conversation.
| Sugary Snicket chapter 1 . 10/31/2010
I think that, without a doubt, yours is the BEST Scarecrow portrayal I've seen in a long time. Scary as hell, creepy as all get-out, and just the right amount of that snide arrogance, just barely there under the surface. But also, depending on the story, little barely-there twinges of humanity that are quickly dominated by everything else I've already mentioned. I think I'm truly in love with the way you write him!
This story was perfectly creepy for Halloween. I'm actually reading/reviewing this on Halloween. You always write the description of fear toxin so well; I get chills every time. Thanks for giving me the creeps. ;)
| Artemis Queen of the Stars chapter 1 . 10/31/2010
wow, this was creepy as hell! I LOVE IT!
| sasha-anna chapter 1 . 10/31/2010
Phew! That was intense! Absolutely love your writing style and I hope you start writing multiple chapter fanfics 'cos you definitely have talent!