Reviews for Harry Potter vs Mr Potato Head
Eating Upside Down chapter 1 . 1/26
He's 11 years old, thrust into a culture he can't comprehend, told the world he believed in is false, made his first friend, committed his first kill, learned more information on his parents who died for him to live, and on top of that is a child celebrity. That's a tall order for anyone to get over, especially when he's only socialized with bullies. Most child celebrities end up fucked mentally, so the fact that he can do all this and save someone on his parents death funeral is amazing. Harry is a more real hero than the ideal. So cut the kid some slack.
EagleJarl chapter 1 . 1/25
This is depressingly accurate. I'm glad you analyzed it like this - it would be interesting to see what a revamped version would look like if Harry actually *were* a hero.
Loner Kid chapter 1 . 1/8
Ahaha I love your version! This is so funny! Every time I read Mr. Potato Head I just can't stop giggling like a school girl xDDDDDDD
Nixie the Bloody Pixie chapter 1 . 11/20/2014
Jesus Christ, you're right! You're absolutely right!
NoIdea135 chapter 1 . 10/27/2014
This is simply brilliant. Your grammar, your choice of words and the flow of 891 words is spectacular. "Harry Potter vs Mr Potato Head" is by far the best Harry Potter one-shot I have ever read.
With only a few hundred words posted on an unpopular site you have convinced more than 300 people that Harry Potter is the same as a plastic toy. And you have done it in only 4 years.
Kudos to you.

I now realize that you probably already lost interest in fanfiction seeing that you haven't updated "Partially Kissed Hero" in 2 years. So you probably wouldn't even see this. Nonetheless, I love this one-shot and it shall forever stay in my favorites... unless you delete it for an unknown reason.
robomonkey chapter 1 . 8/16/2014
You missed him not getting on the quidditch team, though I thought that was obvious. Though you are right, that's pretty much what happened.
jamesryan.fletcher chapter 1 . 7/21/2014
Thank you for this revealing piece. It's revealing and humorous at the same time.
Blazeboss chapter 1 . 7/20/2014
Funny
OneOfMillions chapter 1 . 7/6/2014
Yeah. I agree.

I just don't like the way you write.
Guest chapter 1 . 6/10/2014
is very stupid and sorry. Guest is stupid and stupid rawr?! !
Guest chapter 1 . 5/21/2014
You are very ignorant!
Catharmel chapter 1 . 5/17/2014
This is awful. And wonderful. I can't decide which is more prevalent.
R chapter 1 . 5/3/2014
Why is it that protagonists of stories are held to such a ridiculously high standard? Really, I call it the Never Satisfied Syndrome, or NSS for short.

Consider: if a protagonist is heroic, takes initiative, and all the positive traits you seem to be advocating in this little piece, readers will refer to that protagonist as cliched. Had Harry actually BEEN the sort of person you seem to want him to be, no doubt there would have been an outcry of, "Oh, how absolutely predictable! He's just your standard Gary Stu hero, with no flaws and thus no depth as a character!"

And if he's actually flawed (read: REALISTIC), we get disgruntled readers like this, going all, "He was just absolutely STUPID! He should have done this, he should have done that," when in reality the only thing allowing you to pretend that Harry's performance was substandard is the benefit of perfect hindsight. NSS. Either way, the protagonist gets railed against. Lose-lose.

Did Harry not take enough initiative? Debatable. He certainly didn't take that much initiative, true, but HE WAS ELEVEN. The key word, here, then, I think, would be "enough". Was Harry your stereotypical Greek hero/King Arthur/blah-blah-blah? No. He was an abused eleven-year-old, and that's a distinction I think is worth making. Had he been a stereotypical, cliched hero, then yes, he SHOULD have taken more initiative, been more heroic, etc. because that's how stereotypical, cliched heroes roll. But for an abused child of eleven, I think Harry's performance in the first novel was more than adequate-deserving of nothing less than an "Outstanding".

And yet you seem to be aiming to give him a "Poor". Why is that? Because he doesn't meet your perceptions of how a hero should act? What if we put you, Perfect Lionheart, or for that matter, 90% of the human population, in his position, when they were eleven-years-old? Would any of them have done any better? I think not. You're being far too demanding of an eleven-year-old, and if you had written the books instead of Rowling, your realism score would have suffered severely. You have the benefit of looking back, over the course of all seven books, with 20/20 hindsight, EXACTLY what went wrong. Harry had no such benefit. NSS.

But enough ranting on my part, let's analyze your premise instead. You seem to have intended to imply that Harry did nothing more than a plastic toy would have if placed in his position. This is highly contrived for a number of reasons. Ignoring the fact that the other characters would hardly behave the same way towards a Mr. Potato Head as they did towards Harry, let's dissect your view a little:

1. It is unclear that Lily's blood sacrifice would have done anything had Mr. Potato Head been, y'know, not alive. Mr. Potato Head shares none of Lily Potter nee Evans' blood, and in fact isn't even a living being. So how could you reasonably expect a rebound in the same manner that occurs in canon? Short answer: you can't. In any case, Avada Kedavra is meant to KILL things, so it would have had a negligible effect on the toy. No sacrifice necessary.

2. The Dursleys, I'll give to you-not that Harry's time at the Dursleys was really remarkable in any way.

3. Your depiction of the events of Diagon Alley are simply flawed, due to one reason and one reason only: Ollivander's. Mr. Potato Head is not a wizard; therefore, no magic. But let's say for some reason he did have magic, for the same reason that you had Hermione survive the troll, i.e. convenience. Point 1 makes it extraordinarily unlikely that Mr. Potato Head would have gotten the brother wand to Voldemort's. That's all Harry, right there. Mr. Potato Head's performance is already starting to suffer.

4. At this point you've started to become contrived. Harry took the initiative at King's Cross; he specifically ASKED the Weasleys to help him. You're taking that credit and GIVING IT AWAY to the Weasleys by saying they carry him onto the platform. This is pretty much the entire fic summed up right here; of course Harry's not gonna come out lookin' real good if you take what he did and attribute to someone else.

5. The compartment scene was actually quite important for characterization purposes, but since we're ignoring characterization in favor of having everyone mysteriously act like Mr. Potato Head is an actual person and therefore capable of deliberately ignoring Draco Malfoy, I'm gonna give this one to you. Note that if I had chosen to analyze this completely seriously (which I did not, thanks to you marking this as "Humor"), this story would have fallen apart a long time ago.

6. Again, you're being contrived and artificial. We don't know how the Hat operates, and we don't know what it did with Pettigrew-maybe he did have a spark of courage in him, or maybe he ASKED it to put him in Gryffindor along with the friends (James, Sirius, and Remus) he met on the train, much like Harry asked the Hat to not put him in Slytherin. Also, I'm still ignoring the fact that Mr. Potato Head isn't technically alive, and therefore shouldn't be able to interact with the Hat at all.

5. Sure, I guess. Not that that really makes an impact on how "heroic" it is. Going to classes isn't really an act of volition, anyways.

6. Harry being abused by Snape is, again, important for characterization reasons, but we're still ignoring that, so moving on.

7. Yeah, Hermione DOES die. Thank you for being realistic here, as opposed to shoving responsibility onto, say, Ron to go and find her (and miraculously save her without Harry's help). But for the sake of convenience and moving the story forward, let's say she doesn't die, as you said.

8. Again, you're re-allocating responsibility. The original midnight duel came around as a response to Harry's challenge to Malfoy for Neville's Remembrall. Since (obviously) Mr. Potato Head can't fly a broom, you've chosen to have Ron and Malfoy get into a fight instead. Real smooth.

9. Hagrid's hut, okay, whatever. We've already established that characterization does not exist in this fic, so moving on.

10. Actually, it was Filch who caught them, not Malfoy, but whatever.

11. I'm guessing Draco was carrying Mr. Potato Head ("he'll have a harder time scaring you"), because obviously a plastic toy can't walk.

12. Ah, finally. Through the trapdoor. This last part is where your story really falls apart. I should mention that it was Hagrid who spilled the beans, not just about Fluffy's weakness, but also the fact that he had shared the secret with someone else while in Hogsmeade. Without that, Ron and Hermione (and Mr. Potato Head) would have had no reason to go to McGonagall and no way to find out that Dumbledore had left. Without finding out that Dumbledore had been lured away, they would have had no reason to descend the trapdoor in the first place. That's the last part of the novel, shattered right there, just because you replaced Harry with a plastic toy. There's no easy way out of this one, I'm afraid, but the story must go on, so we'll just say that Hermione, being incredibly smart, learned Legilimency and used it on McGonagall because she felt like it. Moving on. There's no conceivable reason AT ALL for Ron to be able to pull off the same trick as Harry did in canon, banged up or not, but let's say he did. The chess scene was all Ron anyways, but the Mr. Potato Head kinda would have, y'know, melted if Hermione THREW him through the flames. But hey! Let's conveniently and contrivedly ignore that, too! Finally, we reach Quirrell, and now we have the ultimate re-allocation of responsibility: instead of Harry purposely holding on the Quirrell despite the pain it caused him, we have QUIRRELL being the one who causes his own demise by picking up Mr. Potato Head for no reason whatsoever, the blood magic mentioned in Point 1 working despite being completely illogical, and him being burned to death (note also that Mr. Potato Head never obtained the Stone from the Mirror).

13. Finally, we skip the entire conversation with Dumbledore, but hey, that's just characterization and plot foreshadowing, and who cares about those, right?

Yeah. I think you were suffering from a particularly heavy bout from NSS when you wrote this, but still, couldn't you at least have come up with a convincing argument? As it is, you come off as arrogant, self-righteous, condescending, and facetious, which is a major turn-off to anyone who doesn't actually agree with what you said. Luckily, looking at the majority of your reviews, I see that it isn't so (the only other truly critical review I say was that of user UniquelyMi), but really, your argument falls apart when someone even gives it the slightest critical look. If you're going to act condescendingly towards Rowling, I'm going to act condescendingly towards you. Obscuring poor logic with humor doesn't tend to work well when your readers have even the tiniest inkling of intelligence.
TonalArchitect chapter 1 . 3/11/2014
This would be mildly amusing if it didn't reference so much bad fanon.
Lycanthromancer chapter 1 . 2/6/2014
demented fanfiction lover:
If you think that women can't understand bravery, honor, dedication, and so on, kindly go watch the anime Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. The author of the manga (upon which the anime very closely follows) is a woman, and I don't think I've ever heard, watched, or read anything that disproves your theory more.
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