|Reviews for Card Captor GX|
| Anne Whitehead chapter 1 . 1/31/2011
Lanna should also get Create and Dream while Shinzui should have Sword and Time. Sy should get Little or Bubbles and I don't know about the others. Great story please continue
| Ariadne's Twine chapter 1 . 11/17/2010
Too many grammar errors to count. You don't capitalize anything, and you skip punctuation. Might want to work on that.
Also. Reported for interactivity.
| UnnaturalKetchupTaco chapter 1 . 11/14/2010
Just a quick review from me, since it seems like everyone else has gone over most of it.
Capitalization is your friend. Do not ignore it. As is punctuation. It saves lives.
Your OC is rather boring from the way you introduce her. We should learn subtly, not by you sticking everything about her in the first sentence.
I don't know anything about either fandom, but the plot seems to be unoriginal and boring.
I would suggest getting a beta reader that could help you with these problems.
| Dakyloquacious chapter 1 . 11/9/2010
So, you've already had the grammar/punctuation/spelling mistakes and the lack of capitalization/formatting pointed out to you by my peers. Here's my first piece of advice: Listen to them. All of that is /vital/ to your reader's experience in reading your story.
Now for me to look at other stuff. Concerning your main OC Lanna: Why do you introduce everything about her right away? Her character and personality should be described through actions/dialogue/all that shiz. I'm not a fan of reading OCs myself, but if I had to read a fic with one, I'd rather they'd be introduced more...subtly.
Next. Here's a big pet peeve for me; every one of your paragraphs start with dialogue. That leads to repetition, that leads to boredom and irritation, that leads to less readers. Mix it up a little bit.
Type out your numbers; when you tell us the ages of your characters, say fifteen instead of 15. It fits better.
Your prose tells us that you are clearly inexperienced. Descriptions and actions are too straightforward, to blatant, too...whatever.
My last piece of advice: Keep working at it. Right now, you aren't much of a writer, but hey, practice makes perfect, and one day you could be a fantastic writer~ ;3
Hugs and Kisses,
| Sextuple Covalent Mo2 Bond chapter 1 . 11/9/2010
Hello, aspiring author~
Well, the first thing I had to notice was the script. Some at the beginning, and some at the bottom. Please take note that the guidelines state script is against the rules and is reportable. I believe that anything with more than three lines of script is reportable~
But, to be quite frank with you, your grammar sucks.
Capitalize the first letter of every sentence. Always. Like I've been doing in this review. Periods or some form of punctuation should be used at the end of every sentence, including dialogue, as it is no exception.
At the end, you request suggestions. I'm somewhat sure that makes this story interactive with readers/reviewers, which is also against the guidelines.
What do I suggest? I suggest that you get a strong beta-reader. Any story can be revised, my dear, and yours is no exception. Try running the spellcheck and grammarcheck before submitting stories, at the least. Anyways, I also suggest you take this story down for the time being, get it re-done and beta read, then re-post it, because this story can easily be deleted by site admin from the lines of script, and possibly the interactivity.
I wish you luck in (hopefully) attempting to accomplish this~
~Revitalization is Coming!~
| Mordanyes chapter 1 . 11/8/2010
Your writing needs a bit of work. Your editing especially. Capitals, punctuation, grammar and spelling are all in need of a little help. Getting a beta reader would help you a lot to polish your writing. Also spellcheck.
Not knowing a lot of the fandom, I can't comment on that. I can say though, that I was thoroughly confused by your end section with the list of random words.
Just enlist a beta to help with your writing, they know what they are doing, and you will hopefully have a story that is well written with a thought out plot and planning.
Good luck with your writing! Hope I helped!
| Wesfanemt333 chapter 1 . 11/7/2010
Wow. Your story needs a great deal of work. The beginning of any sentence needs to be capitalized, every time. Even when it's dialogue. For example.
"spacing out on me look" she showed him the book.
"Spacing out on me. Look." She showed him the book.
I'd suggest finding a beta, and working on your story more. Description and details are key. The devil truly is in the details, you're trying to paint a picture with your words.
| lionesseyes13 chapter 1 . 11/6/2010
This fic is seriously a waste of space at the moment. Your dialogue is unnatural and poorly punctuated, you confuse homophones all the time, you forget to include periods at the end of your sentences, and you fail to capitalize proper nouns. Overall, your spelling and grammar mastery rivals that of a preschool child. Your actual writing style, which centers on telling and no showing, is hardly any better, and the whole second half of your fic that is nothing but a list of cards is completely pointless. Please put some effort into your story before posting next time.
Lionesseyes13 (Proud Member of the LU)
| Night's King chapter 1 . 11/6/2010
I'm so glad right now that I'm not a fan of either Card Captors or Yugioh, because if I was, I think I'd try to track you down and beat you with a dead cat. Seeing as how I'm just a fan of proper English, well, we can do without the beating or the tracking down. I'm just gonna rip your story apart until all the rubbish comes pouring out for all to see.
Firstly, proper names ALWAYS get capitalized (unless you're e.e. cummings or Cormac McCarthy and, friendo, you aren't). Anime shows are proper nouns. Therefore, Card Captors and Yugioh both start with caps. So does Pokemon. Don't rape the Poke-fandom. I have pleasant childhood memories of Pokemon, and would rather not have them sullied.
Dialogue. Yours needs to be...needs to be...Bah! What does it need to be?
Handy Dalek: EXTERMINATED!
Muchas gracias, Dalek, never would have got it without you. As the killer pepperpot said, your dialogue needs to die. Both for its content and its formating. And quite sorry if you missed the Dr. Who (capitalized, as you see) reference.
The first word following the quotation marks is capitalized, just like in a normal sentence. ALWAYS, it is capitalized. Not NEVER. ALWAYS. Look:
Wrong: "spacing out on me look"
Right: "Spacing out on me. Look!"
Your dialogue lacks capitalization, commas, or any fooking kind of punctuation. You need to fix this! Find a bleeding book that features dialogue, and see how an author who knows WTF they're doing formats speech. Then copy it into your writing.
The format is crap, but the content. Shudder! If people spoke as you wrote, nobody would speak. Your dialogue is boring, horrendous, dry, and completely inhuman. The characters could run back and forth screaming "Herp de derp-derp-herr!" and it would be much, much more entertaining.
Now, as for you blatant inability not to screw up homophones. Homophones, if you know your Greek, mean "same sound". They are words that sound alike but are spelled differently. Here and hear. Die and dye. Sea and see. THEY ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE! ARE NOT. You must use the correct homophone, and you must learn the difference. Case in point:
"it had no main and had a pair of white angle wings and wore red armor that still shoed it's yellow fur."
I honestly didn't know people could screw things up so badly.
Main should be 'mane'. A MANE is the fur around a male lion's neck.
Angle should be "angel". An angle is a math measurement. An ANGEL is winged incorporeal being associated with Heaven, harps, and purity.
And shoed (how the diddly hell did you manage this one?) should be "showed". They don't even sound alike!
It's should also be its. It's it is. Its belong to it. Its head. Its bottle. Its clod of dirt.
There's about 9000 places where you use the wrong word, but it's not worth my time to point out every single one. I'd be here until I was old and gray. So, learn to write better, learn how to format dialogue, and learn how not to be a git.
| Qzil chapter 1 . 11/6/2010
Okay. You need to use the shift key, use commas, and flat-out learn how to write. I strongly suggest a beta~
| Bitter Sea Light chapter 1 . 11/6/2010
When browsing for stories today, I was staring at the screen for a long while upon seeing the summary of this story. Not entirely sure whether you wanted people to review your story by playing on their sense of compassion, but if that was indeed the case...it has backfired on you. As a reader/reviewer/writer I feel offended. Next time put some effort into those two lines because they matter if your real intention is to call in reviewers rather than scaring them away.
Scripts (even as author's notes) are not allowed on FFN. Same for interactivity. Please refrain from disregarding the site's rules as something of little importance.
Proper use of English adds a lot to your story. Pay attention to how you capitalise and use punctuation marks in the future.
Your characters seem too perfect. That, mind you, is not a good thing. Story itself comes off as something just thrown on the paper. You describe too much, show too little. Try to find a balance.
Also, would you mind telling me what is that abomination at the end of your chapter? How does that long list of names and colons contribute to the story in any way?
All in all, work harder with what you do, preferably with the help of a beta.
Co-leader of The Literate Union,
Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery. I quit such odious subjects as soon as I can.' ~Jane Austen
| AshK1980 chapter 1 . 11/3/2010
Nice start. I was wondering when someone would do a story about descendants of Sakura and Li. Anyway, instead of ancestors you should've used descendants. Anyway great start so far. I think Alexis should have one of the cards, I like the Flower Card for Alexis. Anyway as I said before great start! Keep up the great work!