|Reviews for British Import|
| TaiyouChan chapter 2 . 7/27/2011
I have all the same praise from the first chapter.
I do like to add one more little bit of praise though. .
With this sentence:
As for why her, She's the significant other of Harry Potter himself, and her mother apparently killed Bellatrix Lestrange.
I loved how you used examples from the actual book. I mostly mean with the last part of the sentence but I quite liked how you stated so and used it for the benefit of your story.
The only thing, once again that I think you should fix is how you emphasize things and when portraying a character as yelling.
Use either bold or italics instead of all caps.
Such as in these sentences:
"I'm a FIELD agent. I hunt Death Eaters, I bring them in to you alive-"
"I didn't fail you, Alicia, I CAN'T have failed you. You can't be here, you CAN'T."
"That WOULD make sense, if in fact she were GOING to the unit. However the Headmaster wanted to meet her personally. So... as I said... You two. Are. DisMISSED!"
Actually in the last one I find it strange that you only emphasize on the 'missed' part of 'dismissed'. I think you should either emphasize the entire word, or not at all.
~TaiyouChan of Critics United
| TaiyouChan chapter 1 . 7/27/2011
Hello, you requested help from Critics United? Well here I am to help. .
To get started, I have to say I love this idea. It's a unique plot that I haven't come across before. So far I think you're doing a wonderful job at portraying how magic would be in America.
I especially love how one of the wizards from the US is wearing a Darth Vader shirt and the other is wearing a Nirvana shirt.
The last line of this little snippet made me grin:
Before he could say anything more she threw her arms around his shoulders and planted another kiss on his lips. This one, uninterrupted by her parents, lasted for several seconds. A few passers-by applauded.
Also I love the way you write. You add excellent details which is something many people struggle with.
One other thing I admire is how you portray the characters. I think you keep them in-character quite well. And your OCs so far don't stand out to me as Mary Sues.
Now, onto the things I think you could fix.
Mainly what I noticed about your story is that you use all caps to portray when someone is yelling, or when you try to emphasize on something. Here are a few examples from your story:
"Well Ginny, dear, it's not like you'll have to spend much TIME here at all
"STUPIFY!" Lynn called and a black cloaked figure was blasted from his feet, catapulting into a table behind him.
"AVADA KEDAVERA!" a deep voice called from an adjoining room, fury tinging it.
It would be better to use either italics or bold when trying to portray these things.
One other thing I noticed is when you say a character said something 'flatly' you often use all caps, making me believe that they are yelling.
I found these two examples:
"STUPIFY." Lynn said flatly and another cacophony sounded.
"JAKE." Raphael said flatly, and Jacob turned and followed him.
So, flatly, in the way you are using it, means 'without interest or excitement'. Which means I don't think you'd be yelling when saying something 'flatly'.
The second one I think you could be meaning to put emphasis on it, which if you are, as I stated earlier you should either use bold or italics.
One last thing that I found was when you switch Point of Views you should make it more clear. So I would suggest putting what you have in bold or italics.
I shall now move on to your second chapter. .
~TaiyouChan of Critics United
| Maerad-of-Pellinor28 chapter 2 . 11/4/2010
Creepy. From now on could you please signify when you are changing pov, because that is confusing me, please?
| Maerad-of-Pellinor28 chapter 1 . 11/4/2010
I love the story idea it's so original, or at least it's the first one I have ever seen. You're writing is a perfect example of the advice I always give my friend use details so you can send the image to the reader, but it seems like you have that down, so nice job.