|Reviews for Shooting in the Dark|
| RM chapter 4 . 2/12/2012
Wow. I really like this version you've been writing. This is good. Hope you'll keep updating this!
| Lessthanthree-Carissa chapter 5 . 1/3/2012
Alright, I'm just going to point out here, that I adore the allusion and description you use. No kidding, its fresh and new and great and not over done and this is a run on sentence.
I like how this scene is more realistic than in the book. In the book she's all like "oh, someone's watching me sleep." Here you see the basic human instinct, which is that everything can be proven or its a dream or some such conundrum. Just, humans always look for the logical explanation, its how our brains are wired. In the actual books, it doesn't really work like that.
There isn't really much to critize in this chapter actually. Its well done and grammar/spelling free. So, hopefully you'll update soon because you love me.
| Lessthanthree-Carissa chapter 4 . 1/3/2012
Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know, I'm terrible. I haven't really reviewed stories in a long time besides my TSMs. I'm not apart of the Order at the moment, so now I'm focusing on getting back to concritting other stories and the like. But so sorry for not concritting this story. I love you Apathy!
Okay, actually concritting time.
Alright, just a stlyistic suggestion, but try entering between lines of paragraphs, well not entering, double entering. Space it out more is what I'm saying. Like this bit here:
"No! I mean, erm... No, I haven't,"
"So no secret shrines in your locker?"
"No unsent love letters in your room?"
"Are you sure?"
It just looks a bit bunched together is all. Also, when you are using dialog but have no "he said/she said" attached to the end, then the comma becomes a period. So, instead of:
It would be:
Just a minor grammatical thing, but better to catch those early on.
""Spoilsport," Her tone was light, whimsical."
In the above sentence, 'her' shouldn't be capitalized.
"Sorry. In future I'll try to fancy more boys,"
The sentence above should read: "Sorry, in the future I'll try to fancy more boys,". But I will say, I love you for using the word 'fancy' like that, not enough people do now-a-days and its a nice change of pace.
in truth, being under Jessica's wing was a novelty.
I'll let you fix the above sentence, seeing as it was probably just a typo on your part. _
I like how you made her not quite remember Jacob's name instead of how they do it in the movies where she's all "Jacob, right? We've met before." Realistically she would probably not remember so good job.
[If I'd opened my eyes, I might have seen the shadow growing behind me and scrambling up before a pair of hands clamped around my waist and flung me back so that I stumbled and fell against the root of a tree. Before I could cry out, I was grabbed by the neck and yanked up to my captor's height, the tree bark clawing my back. I could see his mouth, now, though it was too dark to see the rest of him. The lips curled a little. They were tinted red with blood.]
Oh. My. Gosh. Apathy I adore you for doing this. So much better than "I know what you are..." scene. Its more realistic and plausible and whatever other words you can think of that are synonyms. I mean, I know you're kind of rewriting the books, but you're adding your own flare and making everyone seem more than just pretty wrapping paper and bows.
Just, you're improving the story tons. You'll improve your own writing at the same time. Maybe after you edit this whole thing and finish writing it you could send it to Stephanie Meyer to show her how characters are supposed to be portrayed?
| Feeling-Grand chapter 4 . 10/2/2011
Very detailed story,
I find that the Bella has more the persona of the one in the movie than in the book. I found the last chapter easier to read than the others because there was more dialog and more paragraphs so the words weren't all clumped together.
I also found this written version a lot darker than the original, which I liked. I was surprised that the vampires attacked Bella so I'm almost guessing that these ones are more sinister than what they are in the book.
I do think more dialog would really bring this story to life. All in all a good story that was written in a nice dark way which showed the Twilight series as something more scary to read.
| Kelly-Starfly chapter 4 . 9/25/2011
Like your story, look forward to reading more.
| Dream Of Rose Petals chapter 3 . 6/4/2011
Yay Alice! I like Alice. /not important
This story is good, more interesting begining than the real Twilight.
| Skarto chapter 3 . 5/12/2011
I hope that if Stephanie Meyer ever does read this she learns a few things about characterisation. You write Bella far better than she does. Rather than being a thoroughly unlikable and vapid character like she is in the books, you've managed to give her some depth and have her actually sound like a teenager (I love that she had the nickname 'Izzy'. Far more likely than 'Bella'.). Not to mention she treats Jessica and Mike like actual people instead of unworthy irritations.
I also like how, instead of being like book-Bella and describing how 'OMG HAWT' the Cullens are when she first sees them, your Bella describes them a lot more realistically. You did well by putting less emphasis on how attractive the characters supposedly are, a huge problem that the books had.
There were a couple of things that I think you could improve on. One is the use of comparisons/similes/metaphors – they're very vivid when you use them, but you do seem to bunch them together and also use them quite frequently. If you use them less often, they have more of an impact and stand out far better. Another thing is the pace of dialogue – Bella thinks about something, or someone does something after (with one exception in chapter three) every line of dialogue. Even in close first person it can help speed things up a little by, as you did in chapter three, having a line of dialogue and then another immediately follow. It makes it more realistic to the reader's ear and lets the whole thing flow a bit smoother.
Nothing else really stood out that you could improve on, if I think of more I'll let you know. You've done a good job so far and I hope to see more of this soon. :)
| Stray Sentinel chapter 3 . 4/12/2011
Hm, I really like where this is going. Usually, the mere mention of a Twilight fic has me running for the hills, but you've given Bella (Izzy? 3) a fresh new voice. I hope to see more from this - it'd be nice to see what Twilight could have been.
| jean031079yahoo.com chapter 1 . 3/26/2011
wtf! lighten up! ur like the effin hall monitor! instructions not included fine without ur input.
| Lessthanthree-Carissa chapter 3 . 3/20/2011
Concrit for chapter three. :D I'm so happy you updated, I really enjoy this story so far. .
The secretary might as well have been French.
This sentence felt random and just out of the blue. I don't feel that it really connected with the first paragraph all that well.
towards me before re-devotingher attention
A space is needed between 're-devoting' and 'her'.
"Saving the seats Angela and Eric," Mike explained. "In case
This should read: "Saving the seats for Angela and Eric," Mike explained,' in case"
There weren't any more grammar errors than the few I pointed out. From reading this chapter I can definetly tell the differences between American and the UK. XD So many things I had to go, oh right, Apathy is a Brit.
Overall, I really like how this story is coming together and how the characters have more depth to them than the regular old Twilight books. I expect great things Apathy dear.
Member of Order of the Concritters
| Lessthanthree-Carissa chapter 2 . 3/2/2011
Top Author's Note:
No errors. Yay! .
Think Apocalypse. Think evil mastermind takes over the world. Think alien invasion. Add them together, mix with a pinch of terror, leave in an oven that runs on fear, and you'll be somewhere near my feelings on that first day of school.
I love the way you started out this chapter. It shows more depth to a character than the generic. "I was terrified to go to school."
"Izzy, you'll be fine," I insisted, pulling my hair into a bun. Dissatisfied, I let it back down again.
I know there's a natural pause between 'bun' and 'dissatisfied', but I don't believe there is one between 'dissatisfied' and 'I'.
Oh well, I'd look a state in fifty years anyway.
This sentence is highly confusing. I'm not exactly sure what you were trying to say with it.
Period goes after Mr.
I didn't have an answer for her,
You said Mr. Roberts, yet you just called him a her.
Then again, Didn't Charlie deserve someone nice?
Didn't shouldn't be capitalized.
Again, you are bringing a lot of depth to the characters. You aren't killing us with dry dialog and you make the characters come to life. I think what you are doing with the story is phenomenal. I don't believe Americans and Brits have much in the way of grammar differences. I do know that we use Z's more than you guys and you guys tend to put s's in instead.
Example of what I mean:
criticize v. criticise
Does that make sense?
Anywho, I wish you luck Apathy and look forward to future chapters. .
Member of Order of the Concritters
| Hamfast Gamgee chapter 1 . 2/27/2011
Firstly I should say that I am not a fan of twilight, actually I've never read it, but what I hear about the story generally isn't good. But this is good so far, nice gentle start, well written I can't find any grammatical mistakes though my grammar is far from brilliant. This schoolgirl's parents are divorced, right? And I suspect she turns out to be a Vampire? I wonder what her school days will be like. Keep writing, Ham!
| Lessthanthree-Carissa chapter 1 . 2/26/2011
Figured I'd take you up on your offer to smash your story to pieces. . (Don't kill me!) I'll review to the first chapter and then you can tell me if you want me to go ahead to the second. I'll review like I do any story. (Please don't take over an hour this time!)
Grammar error in the summary! You need to capitalize the word dark.
The summary is completely fine though. It draws the reader in and has no spelling/grammar errors. Yay!
Author's Note (Top):
Comma between 'story' and 'as'. Take out the word 'so'. Nice disclaimer though. .
No need to state what chapter it is, people can figure that out by the nice and lovely chaptering feature.
Okay is four letter, not two.
"Anxious and excited, I pulled the one of the drawers open, raising an eyebrow at the clothing with price tags still attatched; almost amish skirts, a purple sweater and a ruffled dress that would have been my favourite possesion had he given me it the last time I'd stayed over a good twelve years before."
In the first sentence, take out the word 'the'. Amish needs to be capitalized. Comma after the word 'sweater' and a comma is also needed between the words 'over' and 'a'.
No comma is needed between 'know' and 'Mom' or after the word 'Mom' as you are just going on with the action and the like.
"It's Forks, Mom, not Venus. I'll be fine, honest,"
Take out the comma between 'Forks' and 'Mom'. Turn the comma at the end of the second sentence into a period.
Alright, overall I like the usage of language that you have going here. It is much better than the original story, which uses such drab language. I'm excited to see where you take this. I hope my comments help you my darling little Apathy. I will give you a swift kick in the knee if you need it, I know you can take it and would do the same for me. Same rules apply to you as anyone I review. If you like the review, just tell me and I'll review the next chapter.
Member of Order of the Concritters
| Undeniable Mystique chapter 1 . 2/13/2011
This is a great spin on Bella's character. I felt in the novel, she was way too surly and negative about her situation, so it's great to read something where she's contemplating her personality.
I noticed just one spelling mistake. In the last paragraph, you used "lead" as the past form for the verb, but it should be "led."
Otherwise, great job!
| WoggyMogg10 chapter 1 . 11/22/2010
Hmm, I really like you're description.
I voted on you're poll, saying you might need to work on characterisation. Maybe engage the reader more with Bella's personality.