|Reviews for Beginnings|
| Siriusly Grim chapter 5 . 2/12/2013
Hmm... Interesting story. I hope to see it updated soon.
| shelter chapter 3 . 10/9/2011
Since you made an update on Animesuki, I thought I should leave a review.
I like your vocabulary. You're descriptive, and detailed, and unlike a lot of other writers, you use your words well. Even though this particular topic (the awakening of the very first generation) has been covered a dozen times already, my using OCs to retell the stories of Isley, Rigardo & Dauf is different. It's not easy, but you pull it off well.
That said, there are some things you can improve on. Your details sometimes clog the flow of the story. Especially in the 'first waltz', you're a bit over-indulgent with introducing Isyllia and Hagan. I personally feel that introducing OCs at the very beginning of a story, however traditional, puts readers off. And because of your style, it slows down the story. Why not show us how Isyllia & Hagan work together by putting them in the town at the very beginning?
Second, I find that your style lacks atmosphere (and sometimes tone). You're a bit too clinical, descriptive for the sake of adding details. For example, at the town, I don't get a sense that Isyllia & Hagan are walking into a town gripped by fear. There's no sense of uncertainty, or even a change in tone when the villagers meet the warriors (tone as in slight alteration in style, not description). Likewise, when Rigardo goes missing, it's a marvellous piece of foreshadowing, but it's let down by the fact that life goes on at HQ. The narrative just tumbles forward towards a confrontation that I know will come.
I think that an awareness of how you portray mood, atmosphere and tone will differentiate you from about 90% of the stories on the Claymore fanfiction circle. The problem is understanding how to moderate your style with these elements is very context-dependent. Off the top of my head, I thought that maybe you could've used shorter sentences & paragraphs, less adverbs/ adjectives and s different POV for the moments in your story that are more dramatic. When Isyllia & Hagan are hunting, a POV from either one would've added a lot more dramatic effect than just an omniscient birds' eye perspective. Just something to think through when you continue your other chapters.