|Reviews for Star Fox: Legacy, Volume I|
| Arimadios chapter 1 . 1/9/2014
The first segment of this story reads like a bad tempo poem - But I LIKE that. Grabs the attention. i -was- going to come down here and say, "Oh, I like how you used foreign language characters up there" *insert fanboy praise here, duh.* But then I got to reading it, and I was like, "Woah. That's interesting." And then I was like, "DAMNIT! IT ENDED! CRAP!" But, this sets it up for sooooo much win, and also leaves a masssssive pitfall ready to swallow you up. Nice use of plot foreshadowing to set up a win/fail choice. Let's see how things boil out.
I'm getting a real Indiana Jones vibe here, but, I must say, I enjoyed the intro. Being able to really feel like the trek was a pain in the ass (From the statement that the terrier had fallen behind...) really comes through here. I like it. That being said, I also have to compliment your descriptions of the characters, vague enough you can picture, but detailed enough to tell who they are - except the hound. He's kind of... uhhh... vague, really. I don't know what he looks like, I just keep seeing a skinny blood hound.
I found the refrence to the feel of a thunderstorm in the air made me smile, I could almost taste the ions in the air, really. Which also sucked because I have to get a root canal soon, and the damn biofeedback made my tooth hurt. Your story is so good it hurts, quite litterally. *rub jaw.*
impact-claymore - Might I suggest capitalizing this? Claymores are a proper sword name, while you don't capitalize sword, two handed sword, or the like, you do capitalize Claymore, Zweihander, Daikatana - these are proper, specific referenced swords. Each are different in their own ways. Impact-Claymore, despite being a hyphenated compound word, still seems to be a proper(ish) noun. It feels better and reads better like that, feels more like it's a unique and powerful object, which it is.
I like Scott, he's very normal for being a scottish sounding terrier with a Claymore. It's also a CLAYMORE, not a broadsword. Knocked me WSoD a bit there. Also, good pun. Scott is a Scottish Scotty.
Okay, I love the story telling, but, I'm afraid, I'm about to be brutally honest. You didn't even wiki a Claymore. A Claymore is the weapon William Wallace used, you don't fight with it in spinning motions, it's almost impossible to do. Windmilling a weapon like this will break your shoulder (It's a twenty pound sword.) and it will snap against the ground. It's held in a grip with one hand on the hilt (It has no true 'hilt guard' as you call it, more appropriately the haft.) and the other on the bottom of the blade, and is used in massive, heavy, sweeping strokes. It's basically the bastard child of a sword and a battle axe. Not to mention, disarming a staff wielding stone golem even with an Impact Claymore would more than likely snap the blade. Swords do not bend at all, unless they are made that way (Rapiers, various other french styled blades.) as the hardness of a material (Which a weapon would have to be EXTRODINARILY hard to break stone) directly relates to it's brittleness (Specifically, it's lack of elastic tendancy, the amount of 'flex' a metal or any material has.) In summary: He's not using a claymore. He's using at best, a flexible french long sword. THe appropriate weapon for this situation, however, would be a Broadsword. Just from how you've written it. Sorry to be an ass.
Further reading of the combat, Yes, this is an Impact-Broadsword. To many completely impossible motions to use a two handed sword with. Too many 'low guards' of a sort. To guard low with a claymore, you drop the blade in the ground and step back, which usually breaks the other guy's weapon.
SPaG: Those cracked ribs sure we stinging - Should be were stinging.
with similar wonderment as a child - This feels clunky and misworded. Could you possibly clarify? I get the meaning, it's just hard to chew. Kind of like a piece of gristle hidden under succulent, juicy, delicious meat in a steak. It's just that one spot of nasty gristle that's hard to chew in the middle of your (free) 50$ steak dinner. The one part where you gotta reach in your mouth and pull that one thing out and go 'ew.' and hope you date doesn't notice. I hope that clarifies what i mean by that. I'm not trying to be an ass, it's just that I'm finding stuff like this. I don't want to make you feel like I'm not valuing the hard work you put in here, it's just, these are the things I feel should be corrected. But, your story, your choice.
"What the bloody hell's happened tae him" - Dialect error. Course, this could be stylistic, kind of like Scotty from star trek forgetting his Accent in a few scenes. Could be "Wat de bloody 'ell's 'appened ter 'im?" To use the very FAR side of scottish (Scotts roll the R's, while Irish and Welsh do not, all three are very similar in sound, but different in the accent.) Thought you might like to know.
"The only difference between Science and Magic is an understanding." - I love this line. It's one of my favorite tropes. "Any suffciently advanced science is indistinguishable from Magic." - It's used in some of my favorite books, tv shows, and movies. It truely is a catch all. Bravo and bully for you for using it so perfectly straight. It's hard to play straight and you accomplish this. Bravo.
Always a fly in the soup - terribly Cliched, but you made it work. The Eagle is a good choice for this guy too - speaks of the shadier side of patriotism. I like it.
Luminescent blue aurora - Not many writers would use aurora to describe that, it tripped me up but when i thought about it, the word fits better. It makes it feel like a glow from the outside coming in rather than an inside glow going out.
Aran Arms - Feels like a shout out to Metroid series. I dig.
The ending is suffciently Movie cliffhanger esque.
This chapter is an A-, Only because of the combat. Having Harrison pull a Mary-sue-KO on everyone is not the direction I would have taken, but, It works, especially with his immediate death afterwards. I like it. Really feels good to me. I can tell a lot of love went into this, but you do have a touch of writer's fatigue right in the middle of the chapter. Beautifully crafted.
| K.S. Reynard chapter 10 . 9/3/2013
It was only a matter of time before I read this. In fact, Legacy had been on my mental "stories to read" list for quite a long time. Strangely enough, I was actually aware of this story before I even knew what Fanfiction dot net was, thanks to the SF-O archives. But enough about that.
First and foremost, I absolutely love that you decided to focus on the dynamics leading up to the events of Star Fox 64, even though it wasn't (and never will be) the "in" thing to do. The shocking thing to me is that no one else really attempted to do any kind of backstory to the canon; and that well and truly disappoints me. I never would have thought about James being an orphaned child, for sure. That was an interesting development, to say the least. The most impressive part of the this story (at least in my mind) was how you made an OC-heavy cast work so effectively, when the vast majority of writers can't seem to put any kind of uniqueness or 'life' into their originals. Scott and Owen, in particular, stood out to me above all the others.
Out of all the chapters, 8 was the one that appealed the most to me. The heist was very nicely done- and yes, that kind of thing is definitely challenging to write.
However, this story was not without a few issues; namely, the heavy detail on minor objects, landscapes, and other things of the like while overlooking some of the major details to some degree.
The second thing that slightly perturbed me was the way that the story's timeline tended to jump great distances suddenly and without warning. Although the time jumps are completely understandable, it made the story itself seem rather rushed and even mildly incoherent at some points. This kind of thing manifested itself in the last two chapters more than it did anywhere else. There were also a few noticeable typographical errors, although the site may have been wreaking mad havoc with my browser. Most apparent was "Jame's." There were also a few very strangely placed commas in the middle of words, as well. (As I said, it may have just been the site acting up)
It's obvious that you put a good deal of thought into this story, especially with the quotes that- unlike most other writers' quotes- didn't come from song lyrics (now that's a pet peeve, right there). The Japanese lettering added a very unique and strangely tasteful touch, as well. In spite of the small nit-picks that I outlined earlier, the whole thing was presented in a way that reflected a very mature style of writing that I really wish I saw more of around here. Of course, the fanfiction demographic is NOT known for profound literary maturity.
Would I call Star Fox: Legacy, Volume I a masterpiece? I'm afraid that I would have to say "not quite." Truthfully though, I have yet to read anything here that qualifies as such. For all I know, such a thing as a "masterpiece Star Fox fanfiction" may not even exist. Regardless, the quality and depth of Volume I are more than enough to convince me to go one to Volume II.
See you there...eventually.
| Storyteller 2013 chapter 10 . 6/2/2013
That was...So Good nuff said.
| Storyteller 2013 chapter 4 . 5/21/2013
I get the feeling that the hare is Peppy but I doubt it anyway Good Chapter!
| The Pen Vs The Sword chapter 3 . 2/10/2013
Sword: You probably thought we forgot about this! Well, we diiiiiiiiiiiidn't!
It's starting to pick up I see. You do have us going with the story and it does seem like you have a lot planned out.
Pen: However, there is the noticeable problem of describing too much when unnecessary and not describing enough when it would be needed. To highlight the latter: " It was clearly modeled after Gaedelic style public houses,". I would expect some more detail there, such as what makes it Gaedelic. Is it the doors? The windows? The atmosphere? And if so, what about them are Gaedelic? Are they made out of some kind of special material? Designed in a certain way? As for the former: "Rick flinched a moment as a look of terror flashed his clouded features, mirrored by his sister held hostage at gunpoint." We already know his sister is being held hostage. Saying so again is just redundant.
But other than that, it's looking really good so far. Those were really the only criticism we could find, along with a few missing words.
| general whitefur chapter 10 . 12/19/2012
Finally finished it. All in all it was pretty amazing, and I like that you've introduced the members of the original Star Fox team. Only seems to be one person missing, a certain vixen with a name from a medieval french tale. Looking forward to getting started on the next volume. Smashing job. Smashing.
| general whitefur chapter 8 . 12/19/2012
A well done chapter. Chakori's solution to being unable to blend in was shall we say inventive. Heists do seem like a tough challenge to write, but I think you pulled it off rather well. Excellent work.
| general whitefur chapter 6 . 12/12/2012
That was an intense chapter, those points where you think the worst has happened or is going to happen. Very well done I have to say. I can't wait to find out what Rick is going to choose.
| general whitefur chapter 4 . 12/10/2012
Well looks like James has parents, sort of. Poor kid could use some. Looking forward to reading more.
| general whitefur chapter 3 . 12/10/2012
Oh no, is that little James in the Mercutio? Great. Another good chapter, I like the Cooney siblings, interesting characters.
| general whitefur chapter 2 . 12/9/2012
James McCloud running around Corneria City with no clothes on? Great. And I see that LCI is going around either trying to keep trouble down, or stir it up. I see they're still after Scott, I take it he knows something important about those Krazoa spirits, something the Lylatian government doesn't want to become common knowledge. Looking forward to more
| Jedelas chapter 10 . 12/4/2012
Woooh! Finished this in one whole day! Holy crap! This was a good one. :D It's much more slower paced than the Archived version which is what makes this better! More detail, background info and anything else in between are right here in this first volume!
I'm surprised James came out as a good father and character throughout your timeline of Star Fox with that childhood. xD If I were him, I'd freak out way too much and probably have a much more weary personality than him. Then again, he steeled himself at the Flight Academy which what got him to learn discipline etc. It would've been nice to see a bit more about James during his time in the Academy. Maybe there's some parts in the second volume where he recalls an event of his time in there?
I see a big difference of how you introduced the Cooneys between this and the Archived version, and it's definitely better! And with the little backstory of how they got so damn smart and tactical, it just makes me like them more than ever! This new way of telling how James was adopted by the Cooneys was quite nice as well, though back in the Archived version, they'd act more like his parents than in this version, especially Rachelle.(That's just my preference. xD)
And is that the new Star Terrier roster? Mal, Ardy, Pigma, Scott and Chikori? Quite a nice combo. :D And the way they form up is quite nice as well! Their first mission was described perfectly, it played out like a movie in my head! And the Cerebus...Why do i have a feeling that's the Predecessor of the Great Fox? xD Ugh, I think I talk too much about that...
Damn Pigma's young as hell! I'd expect him to be older than James...Or are they the same age? o_O I don't see much of his greedy personality so far, but I'm pretty sure I will in the future!
Well, my next destination: Volume II! Time to catch up and then wait for your fantastic updates!
| Jedelas chapter 1 . 12/4/2012
I know this isn't the one I should be reviewing but I needed to read this first. xD It's just my style, first comes first then read the second. But I'll leave only one review at the start and then the last chapter and then go over to the next volume to R&R that per chapter.
Anyway, I could see that this is definitely a big change from the Archived version. I actually remembered that this chapter is the same part( or mostly) from the later chapters of the Archived version. I like this as the start. :D
Sooo I'll be reading this until the end of it to sum up with another review. xD
| Phoenix Ray chapter 8 . 9/8/2012
Ooooooo. Good stuff here. Again, you have a great feel for combat. It flows so well and is easy to understand. Some fights that people try to do are a jumbled mess. Not here.
Cudos for 007 quote.
Also, I really like Owen. And i really couldn't tell you why either. This is something that ive noticed certain authors can do, that little something that draws you in. Good job.
| Phoenix Ray chapter 7 . 9/8/2012
Those mathematical equations in the beginning better not be real. If they are, im going to go nuts.
In fact there's a lot of stuff that this gal cannot even begin to understand or comprehend in this chap, in a good way though. It brings a feeling of complicated... science stuff that fits Owen's character.