|Reviews for Stargazing|
| Tikaya chapter 1 . 3/27
I never played Harvest Moon and I took the warning of "never start playing Animal Crossing" (because of it's addictive qualities) very seriously, so I am going into this blind. Let's see how much I'll understand :)
As it turns out, I understand pretty much everything. So well done there! It is a cute little one shot and the Wizard does sound like an interest person! A bit awkward to date though, but his ruffling hair is adorable.
I find the opening paragraph rather engaging, but the "as he closes the book" needs to be packaged much better. It sounds a bit too blunt.
It's also a bit redundant to say "I hear him calling out to me [...] He called", would probably be nicer if you left the second mentioning of call out and moved the speech into the previous paragraph.
Uhm, how can he look back at Hikari when his eyes are closed?
Hikari is also reacting "with a smile" enough for me to have noticed it, so I guess some variety would be nice :)
I am well aware of this being from almost seven years ago, but I still think it's good to see most grammar errors listed in one place for easy fixing so here goes:
- you really need to come back and fix most of the dialogue punctuation with comma's and lower case letters
- "No thank you" and "Well thank you", pretty sure there goes a comma there
- same in "Well I have to be going now"
- "bring quite a few too me" too many o's! xd
I feel like you could have added a few more description for the actions happening here to flesh out the story. It's also too reliant on dialogue. Is the dialogue from the game?
That said, when you actually go into descriptions, it's flowing very nicely and does wonders to add to the immersion. It actually makes me wonder how you are writing now, after 7 years of writing practice... Hm...
I like the closing paragraph since it fits really well to the entire story and left me with a smile :)
| Flutie chapter 1 . 6/25/2011
Aww wat a cute story!
I love wizard alot! :D