|Reviews for The Fire at Mary Anne's House II|
| Jayne Jewel chapter 9 . 9/4/2012
Unrealistic, unedited, kind of childish. It just is. *shrugs*.
| Jayne Jewel chapter 8 . 9/4/2012
"She'll be fine. It happened from a bad dream," said Dad.
"The fire's still bugging her?" asked Grandma Verna.
"It does even though she's been seeing Dr. Reese," said Dad.
"That's a good thing," said Grandma Verna.
"I know," agreed Dad.
Read that. It doesn't make much realistic sense. Sorry, but...it doesn't.
| Jayne Jewel chapter 7 . 9/4/2012
The fact that her music videos focus on her grandmother's house and personal tragedies...I don't know. It's weird. I don't think Mary Anne's cool enough to be any sort of internationally-recognized figure, for any reason.
| Jayne Jewel chapter 6 . 9/4/2012
All the stuff about Mary Anne's out-of-the-blue big-time career with Cam Geary? It's really boring.
| Jayne Jewel chapter 5 . 9/4/2012
The same mistakes, over and over. I can review your stories until my hands fall off and you won't change. Or learn.
I don't even have the patience to point out the thousand or so in this chapter. I really think you should get some help with these-as in, someone to sit beside you and watch you type to make sure you stop making so many mistakes.
| Jayne Jewel chapter 4 . 9/4/2012
1. Grades don't fall from A's to D's in three days. Also, teachers make allowances for students undergoing major stresses, such as their house burning down.
2. If your house burned down three days ago, yes, you're still distracted by it. You may never get over it, actually. You lose your house and belongings, you suffer forever.
3. You need to work on writing in either past or present tense, because you alternate between the two. Either is fine, just not both.
4. You should also work on proofreading your own stories, because you have repeating words and some words that don't belong in certain sentences at all. "put the cigars in my purse and made it off it was me."
5. Mary Anne's dad is still acting stupid.
6. Okay. Dr. Reese tells Mary Anne "not to think about it." That doesn't solve anything. It might help you focus for a moment, maybe even an hour, but in the long run, it doesn't fix the problem. It doesn't make you feel any better, either. Work gets done but you still feel like crap, so really...this is kinda dumb.
| Jayne Jewel chapter 3 . 9/4/2012
1. Not telling your music-video boss you don't have the stuff needed to end your video is a bigger deal than she treats it as. Plus, as a "professional entrepreneur" Mary Anne should know better than to keep stupid secrets from her boss. Or to keep working while so weepy.
2. Her father is still pathetically not understanding. When you lose your last physical reminders of a dead friend, yes, it hurts. A lot. And it doesn't just go away.
| Jayne Jewel chapter 2 . 9/4/2012
1. A lot of your sentences don't make sense. "We got outside just time before the stairs were ready to collapse any minute" is just one of the many examples I could have pulled out of the first few paragraphs.
2. The fire begins around 1:30. It's out around 2:30. A fire that takes an hour to put out would probably EAT a house as old as Mary Anne's. The fact that a firefighter said "It's safe to go in now," is STUPID. For one thing, the house was burnt. The walls, beams, studs, and foundation is probably more than a little unstable. And wet.
3. "She's upset about something," her father says. HER HOUSE WAS JUST ON FIRE! YES, SHE IS UPSET!
4. Your lame dream sequences involving Mary Anne's dreams and crying out are stupid. They just are. Plus, you use them in every story and in multiple chapters and to use that even once is so cliche, it's beyond belief.
5. "Another thing, should I tell Mr. Hall to get me from school and drop me off here for now?" I asked." Isn't she staying home from school anyway? Come on. Read your own stories. See if you understand them.
6. If she can't go to school, she can't go the studios. What kind of idiot parent is Mr. Spier anyway? It's like telling your kid with a cold, "You're too unwell to go sit at a desk in school today, but of course you can go outside and play and spread your germs to all the other neighborhood kids and risk your own health even further!"
7. "It'll be alright" is NOT AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE to someone's grief. It just isn't. When someone you love or care about dies, it's never alright. It'll never truly feel better, and to shrug it off is like Mr. Spier telling his own kid that her feelings are of no importance to him. Stupid.
I've always tried to be pretty fair (I know my reviews are harsh, but they're never lies-I pick on what seems to need a lot of improvement) but maybe you should stick to writing about really simple things. You don't seem to have any concept on reality. Death is not a subject you should write about unless you have a great imagination or emotion-based experience with it. You've written about grief, diabetes, death, breathing trouble, and puking, a lot. It just doesn't seem like you're very, (sorry, but it's true) good with those subjects.
| Jayne Jewel chapter 1 . 9/4/2012
Do you have some kind of sick fixation with nausea and puke? Just wondering. Nearly every chapter of every one of your stories has a theme...Mary Anne nauseated puking her dad telling her it's okay. No, it's not okay to throw up every day. It's not okay to throw up 10,000 liquid metric tons a day, either. It's not healthy, and it's not okay, okay?
| blossom2014 chapter 9 . 3/28/2011
wow I love evey chapter of this story?
| blossom2014 chapter 8 . 3/9/2011
I like it when Sharon Apologize to mary anne I m sorry to said this but Sharon need to listing to Mary anne not lock her out or get mad at her?
| blossom2014 chapter 6 . 2/4/2011
I love it thank you for update fast?
| blossom2014 chapter 5 . 2/4/2011
wow this story is getting better everytime I read it/
| FonzFan82 chapter 2 . 12/11/2010
Too bad about the house being burned down. What are they going to do about it? Can't wait to see ch. 3!
| FonzFan82 chapter 1 . 12/11/2010