Reviews for Loneliness
Maza the Gainer of Knowledge chapter 6 . 12/7/2012
Heh, Not a fan of slash, but I just can't stop reading it all of a sudden! Espcially when some good parts of the story, like action! Keep going with this! I am looking foward of how the story's progress! chapter 6 . 4/17/2012
This is awesome Please update again soon...-
Akuma the Dark One chapter 6 . 8/26/2011
Come on I wanted more! Update now!
Akuma the Dark One chapter 5 . 8/26/2011
Uhh just to let you know it is usally the seme that marks the uke, not the other way around.
Akuma the Dark One chapter 4 . 8/26/2011
Yay story finally has some fluff. Also is Jake's sister french cause her French is a lot better than mine:P
Akuma the Dark One chapter 3 . 8/26/2011
Okay now that's creepy I had a nightmare just like Jake's four nights ago, only difference is I lived through the whole thing. It was almost as if my body refused to die.
Akuma the Dark One chapter 2 . 8/26/2011
First thing first how are you going to eat a Wind Dragon who can kill without touching their prey. Anyways on with the review loved the chapter and I'm really impressed with the story so far.:)
Akuma the Dark One chapter 1 . 8/26/2011
Nice intro, a little dark for Razor but it was still good. I also like the fact that you gave this story a sence of the real world.
Manny chapter 2 . 1/20/2011
It was good, but when Jake talked to Chance's mom, it just sounds weird that two perfect strangers talk about things like that. I hope I'm being clear. It is just based on that a minor to adult conversation just would not typicaly go the way theirs did.
Cody Furlong chapter 6 . 12/20/2010
Woot! Go swat kats! The twist your giving them with the poweres are nice. The time lapses didn't seem out of place. Keep up the sweet work!
Cody Furlong chapter 5 . 12/18/2010
Awesome! Go boys! This is certainly going to be an interesying time for them. I'm looking forward to how that marks, and the whole spirt realm thing plays out.
Cody Furlong chapter 4 . 12/11/2010
Whoo! Go Chance, make that kitten yours! LOL, this was the best chapter yet! I'll be interesting to see how you handle them in the Enforcers.
Cody Furlong chapter 3 . 12/9/2010
Wow, poor Jake, that was some dream, and yay for Chance being an empath! I'm looking forward to seeing more and when the two finally get together. Keep up the great work, I don't think that dream was overboard at all.
Cody Furlong chapter 2 . 12/4/2010
Interesting, I hadn't been expecting that twist on things, quite a surprising start to this. Keep it up!
Hera Ledro chapter 2 . 11/30/2010
No! You shall not eat me D:

But in all seriousness, this is an interesting way your taking this. Is it original? Hardly, but for the most part it hasn't been worn down.

But I'm here to review, not to enable. Here are some things that I think might be improved upon, given the nature of this story:

1. Take the Friendship Slow.

A major issue with a lot of fictions is that they speed up the friendship, and when they do that they sacrifice quality for fantasy, which is far from fair trade. You've already started down this path; if there is an attraction between them as you suggest, then let that attraction evolve over time. Do not rush it. Lasting relationships like the one the original Chance and Jake have are not forged in a night. They have to get to know each other, and they have to experience and get used to one another before they can really cement their friendship. To take this to the next level too quickly spells disaster for a plausible relationship. Don't be afraid to give them a precursory sex experiment, or to avoid sexuality completely until they really get to know one another. Characterization is all about how the characters play off of one another and themselves.

2. The Character Archetypes are Stereotypes.

Something that has pervaded High School fictions since the dawn of time are the stereotypes of the masked nerd and the complex popular kid. There is enough potential in your interpretation of Jake and Chance that you don't have to follow these stereotypes, and I strongly recommend evading them for the simple fact that they WILL become Mary-Sues, and that is never a good thing for a fan-fiction. I can see Chance as being popular and I can see Jake as being a bit nerdy, and those traits work well with your interpretation. What doesn't work is exemplifying a single aspect of a character to the detriment of all the other aspects, and that seems like what you're doing with your characters: Chance's primary struggle is in being the popular kid that doesn't care about being popular, and Jake's is in dealing with his family's death and upholding their wishes. These are one, maybe two-dimensional characters that most readers will not really care about. Add depth to them, but don't do so stereotypically or via a cliche.

3. Pay Attention to your characters.

There is a passage in Ch. 2 that I feel I must quote here, and is a HUGE no-no if you are planning on taking your characters seriously:

"Chance walked off to his room. Jake stayed behind.

'Krystal, you said, right?'


'Chance is my first friend in a long time. Since my parents died. I pushed everyone away from me, even my older sister, even though we grew together again. But she's the only one I've ever had that stayed by my side. Chance, though. He sees through my mask now, and I don't think he'll let it go unshattered.'" - Ch. 2

I will be blunt here: that is one of the most foolish things you can do with a character. If somebody has lost something like Jake has - his parents! The people who gave birth to him! - then they are not likely to just spill the beans to some new pal's mom. In fact unless somebody has a deep psychological need for attention, they will never sacrifice such secrets to anybody but their closest friends. Your character just went through an "I got better" episode in about twenty seconds, where he opened up to nobody and then all of a sudden opens up to somebody he just met. I can understand the desire to have somebody just open up - I've done it myself, and I regret my idiocy - this does nothing for the story or the characters, both of which should be the primary priorities while writing a story.

Is your story a good one? It has its potential, for sure. I see here the same thing I see with a lot of new writers: a desire to jump into the story and the climax. But I cannot stress how important it is for you to avoid the above, if you intend on being serious about this story. I am far from the best writers or critics, but these are some discrepancies I've noticed when comparing your work to the work of some more credible authors - I am reminded of warrior4 and KLCtheBookworm. I hope my review helps, and cannot wait to see more of this story.

~Hera Ledro
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