|Reviews for One Side of the Mirror Memories|
| UnlimitedBlades chapter 2 . 4/20/2011
Hmmm not bad; it's rare to see someone use the EF setting for their story, so I applaud you for that. I can see why you use all original characters since the EF story is already very complete. Yuuko is characterized pretty well here too. Although there are a number of things you could improve upon.
1. Too fast!
This is the first and most important point. In chapter one we are introduced to a huge cast of random characters and all we know about them are their names. I recommend slowing down the pace a bit and giving each character more scenes. Add more description and more slice of life so to speak. You need to build up the characters so us readers can feel for them and care about them. Since they are original characters this is all the more important because we have no prior knowledge of the characters to fill in the gaps with.
2. The pacing is too fast!
You have lots of dialogue and action, but not enough description. Sometimes I feel like I'm reading the script for a manga, only without the pictures to guide me. The reader could feel lost if you just have dialogue over and over without setting the scene. This is more of a problem of pacing then a lack of description, but more of the latter couldn't hurt. Nearing the end of chapter two, you even had some dialogue in script style format. The sudden change had me staring trying to figure out what went wrong here.
3. Lots of jumping around!
This ties in with the second point. You switch scenes hard and fast without too much prompting. This makes the story feel jumpy and makes each scene feel less important. One solution is to add more descriptive language. You could also set up each scene so that more happens in them. That way the reader won't be so flooded with break lines.
I enjoy your story so keep up the good work! Keep trying to improve your writing though. Point number one is especially important for an OC heavy story like this one. In most fanfics we already know about, care about, and feel for the characters used. It's less important to build them up for the readers, but that's not the case here.
| 48691412 chapter 2 . 4/2/2011
| BluSkyRose chapter 1 . 2/20/2011
I love your story! I've only read the first chapter, though. But it's really cool. Please keep writing!
| Rogeta chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
I must say, you have a story going on here! I like the characters, and you kept the mysteriousness of Yuuko. I am looking forward to the next chapter.