|Reviews for Seven Things|
| TheRedScarlett chapter 1 . 12/2/2013
That was so damn good...
| Guest chapter 1 . 8/2/2013
Was listening to I'm alive by shine down when reading number 7 and it was very appropriate.
| Edhla chapter 1 . 4/23/2013
Picked this one because I'm anti-Twilight and don't know Percy Jackson :)
"venom in her voice..." this read slightly awkwardly to me, and I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps it's the mixed idea of tone of voice hiding a physical attribute? I'm not sure.
"Because everything..." would sound better as "nothing you say has any meaning to it."
"Living Death, while..." this is a bit of a run-on sentence. If it were mine I'd separated it with "Living Death. Hermione was halfway done..."
I'm noticing a lot of dialogue tags... on their own they're not bad, but there were enough to be distracting to me. You can minimalise them by turning some into action tags, e.g. '"Don't you have something better to do?" Maddie resumed her essay.'
"sleeping, even for her..." I like this sentiment, but the sentence structure was a bit awkward.
"Panties"- I believe, but I'm not 100% sure, that this is an Americanism.
Enjoyed many of the interactions and dialogue in this one, though Draco describing Maddie as "she is mine" gave me the god-honest creeps and that's probably a social conditioning thing. In addition, perhaps more scene-setting would have made this non-HP-fan even happier :) Thank you for writing.
| AlanSchezar chapter 1 . 3/27/2013
I chose this story because of all your titles, it was the most interesting. When I clicked on it, I immediately liked the premise and the structure.
My only knowledge of Harry Potter comes from watching the first 3 or 4 movies and that's it.
["Because everything you say has no meaning to it,"] -"because nothing you say has any meaning to it" would be less awkward and more idiomatic
[her Golden Quartet, or what other people liked to call them.] -minor point, but I think "as other people...etc" would be better
[determined in finishing her] -"determined to finish her." This is also somewhat of a runon sentence. I would suggest breaking it into 3 and simply having "...Hermione was halfway done. Harry and Ron would procrastinate until the very end"
[a foot more to right about the essay] -"write" is the word you want here, and she's got that much more to write "of" or perhaps "on". Also, describing it as a "foot" seems rather odd. I would avoid this construction and say something along the lines of "she had only three more paragraphs" or "she had only about a page and a half left to write" or something along those lines.
[looking contempt as he observed the girl across from him, unnerving her in the least.] -a few problems here. You can't "look contempt". Perhaps you mean "looking contemptuously" or "casting a contemptuous look" or something along those lines. The epithet "the girl" is best avoided here by the use of the pronoun or by simple revision. Also, "unnerving her in the least" is not at all idiomatic english. The phrase "in the least" is really only ever used in the negative, ie "not...in the least," whereas here I believe you intend to say that he unnerves her slightly.
[but him, being Malfoy was all the more reason to despise him even more. The fact that he was Draco Malfoy gave her a reason to despise him.] -this bit comes across as rather redundant. Are you saying that his family name is a reason to despise him? ie "his being a malfoy"? Also you have "all the more" and "even more" in the same phrase. I would consider paring this down significantly and really focusing sharply on the emotion you want to express. Why exactly does she despise him, specifically?
Your dialogue is your strength in this bit, and I like your interspersing of her inward thoughts in contrast to her words.
[ in which caused her to look quite indignant on the matter] -would be better as "which caused her to look quite indignant." Clean and simple. I like the use of the adjective "imperial". Very evocative word which fits the character perfectly and gives a nice mental image.
["But," he added, the topic coming back to her, "I think you like me."] -"the topic coming back to her" is unecessary, as we know that from what he says next. I suggest cutting that in favour of: "But," he added, "I think you like me."
["Malfoy!" she hissed...etc] -In this part, I suggest dropping "her hand" and "her eyes" in favour of simply "she". We know what body parts are involved here, so it's unecessarily wordy and awkward to name them.
I love the word [wolfishly]. Not sure it's a real word, but I love it anyway and fully endorse its use.
[Draco leaned in again,...etc] -this is another sentence that suffers from awkward construction and wordiness. I would suggest, "Draco leaned in again, taking satisfaction in how uncomfortable he was making her as she shivered at the close contact."
[His finger reached out and brushed a dark strand of hair behind her ear, wondering how she didn't even move when he touched her.] -Again the body part standing in for the character. Also, is he really wondering "how" she didn't move? Or is he wondering at the fact that she didn't move? Or is he wondering why she didn't move? I suspect you intend to suggest one of the latter two.
I would suggest something like this, "He reached out and brushed a dark strand of hair behind her ear, wondering why she didn't move when he touched her." Or even, "He reached out and brushed...behind her ear, surprised that she didn't move when he touched her." You get the idea.
I would also drop "in her ear" when he whispers hotly, and then "breath tickling her skin before his lips skimmed [or brushed maybe] the curve of her ear."
Describing it as "the outer shell" seems odd and jarring to me. YMMV on that one.
[his mercury eyes hardened] -I liked this, but I really didn't understand what you were trying to say. Are you describing the colour of his eyes? Mercury is silver metallic, so I'm not sure that's what you're trying to say.
In the second to last paragraph of section 1, I don't think the word "glazing" is really used correctly. I love the last sentence/paragraph though.
[ She was going to wring...when she would see him] -tense shift from past to past imperfect. You need to use "when she saw him."
[not come to class that today] -either "not to come to class today" or "not to come to class that day". Either is technically acceptable but the latter is superior in my opinion.
[scanned his black coal eyes] -suggests his eyes are actually made of coal. "coal black eyes" suggests his eyes are as black as coal and is more idiomatic.
Love the emotion this second part begins with. I like the pacing and the sense of energy.
[ earning a subtraction of points to her House] -subtraction from her house
[She considered herself lucky when Blaise Zabini was in the process of exiting.] -this feels sort of vague and wordy. I know exactly what you mean, but it could do with some tightening up along the lines of my previous comments.
Love how she calls him a prick lol it's cute and it shows her annoyance well.
[much more colder] -never "much more anything-er". "Much colder"
[sculls] -are oars for a rowboat. Skulls are what hold your brain in
It's cute how she gets all pissed off about their common room is bigger than hers. I would have liked a tighter description of the room though; it felt very vague.
[but Maddie ignored her] -ignored them
[She treaded up the low stairs] -bit of an odd word choice. Maybe "trudged" or something else.
[think his hair as a halo] -think of his hair...
[ instead of usually having that guarded expression he seldom had,] -"seldom" means "rarely". I think you mean to say, "his face looked peacful, unlike the guarded expression he usually wore."
[but the boy looked as] -run-on sentence begins here. I'd put a full stop, delete "but" and use "he" or "Draco" instead of the epithet "the boy"
[cooed and blushed when it came] -cooed and blushed about when it came...
Maddie beating him senseless with his own pillow - priceless. Love it.
You go on to mention his blonde hair and call him the blonde boy in the same sentence. We know he's blonde, so I'd cut both out and just talk about how his hair is mussed and so on.
[amusement took place] -amusement took its place
[ she crossed her arms stubbornly across her face] - I think you mean to say her chest. I notice a bit of an excessive use of adverbs in your writing. Its my besetting sin as a writer, so I know it can be difficult to avoid. I would cut back on the adverbs, although it's not the worst I've seen by any stretch of the imagination.
[edge of boy's bed] -dump the epithet and use his name here is my suggestion. If you insist on the epithet, you need "the".
[per say.] -the expression is actually "per se" and it's Latin, so it's typically written in italics.
[ when a laugh from him answered her.] -why not "when he answered her with a laugh." ?
[her thighs pressed firmly to each of her sides.] -I think you mean "his sides"
[He was met with her smoldering eyes before pressing her mouth to his roughly] -as written, this states that he pressed her mouth to his roughly, which I don't think you mean to say. I think the grammatical term is "misplaced modifier" but I'm not sure. Either way, you need a revision to get the right meaning across.
["Too late," he murmured,] I'm not sure how IC this is, but it was pitch perfect and very cheeky. I couldn't help but love it. This scene would have been akin to rape if you hadn't set up the undertones of her attraction for him in the previous scenes. She protests, but they're extremely half hearted, as you point out. It's clear that yes indeed she wants him, and so the creep factor is significantly reduced and the whole scene comes across as more charming than anything. Well done!
[sleeping each other] -sleeping with each other. It seems like you write the highly sexualized version of Hogwarts, since Draco criticizes her for "not putting out" earlier! I'm sure you're not the only one ,
[much more preferred than eating] -passive voice and improper word choice here. I would suggest revising to place this sentence into active voice "she much preferred his lustful feelings to the chicken and ham they were serving for lunch". I'm also very skeptical that skinny little malfoy could really toss her so easily over his shoulder.
Him switching their ties...this really is a stroke of narrative brilliance. It says a very great deal about Draco and it suggests many possible things, all of which, I think, are plausible for his character. On the surface it's a clever prank intended to get a few laughs at her expense without doing anything to really shame or embarass her. It suggests that Draco actually has a sense of humor rather than being the taciturn, pig headed, mean spirited asshole he's depicted as being in the stories. I never saw this come out at all from my limited exposure to HP, but more importantly I find it very believable. Secondly, it could be seen as implying a kind of ownership or belonging, which is a very double edged knife in relationships; the feeling of ownership or possession can be either positive or negative depending on how it expresses itself. In this case, it really felt like the endearing, charming kind of possessiveness that comes from genuine feelings of affection, similar to the way sweethearts exchange highschool rings and so on.
| Batman and Brittana chapter 1 . 3/26/2013
Sorry I know you would prefer 'What Water Gave Me' , but this just caught my eye as I was looking at your page.
Your opening is strong. It catches the readers attention right away.
How the bloody hell did he know that? "Who would want a spoiled, arrogant, dick-headed prat like you?" - I like how the character thinks one thing and says another. That says a lot about her from the start.
I like the way you have Malfoy flirting. It brings a more human side to his usual evil annoying evil. I also like the way he bated her into not being such a prude.
You could use more sensory detail. Talk about sounds, smells and textures more. It helps to paint an even more vivid picture.
After all, they had been sleeping *with* each other for a couple of weeks. -you forgot 'with'
You do a very nice job telling a story while also listing character traits. Instead of just giving examples you have a time table that shows each road block.
Overall this is a very nice and very well put together one shot. I enjoyed reading it.
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/18/2013
I love this to pieces.
| foodluver chapter 1 . 10/11/2012
Awwww! That was super super cute! Very well written, and I loved Maddie. Great job with the story!
| Blairx6661 chapter 1 . 10/9/2011
This was amazing, i really enjoyed reading it :D
| witchmae135 chapter 1 . 8/29/2011
i loved that story soooooooooo much! please write more :D
| kirbygirl123 chapter 1 . 8/10/2011
It was REALLY good! :) Hope you make more!
I like how two different people managed to change in their ways and actually come to love each other. :D I liked that. *_*
| aikoflutist247 chapter 1 . 7/11/2011
Okay, that was really good. Better than I thought it would when I first read the summary. Great job.
I especially loved the ties switching part - that was clever writing.
| AngelicKat445 chapter 1 . 4/16/2011
i loved it, i loved it, I LOVED IT!
it was amazing! i love Maddie, and her bitchy ways at the begiinning towards him. i love Draco and his jealousy problem! i couldn't stop smiling at the end!
| Miracles Do Happen chapter 1 . 4/13/2011
Absolutly wonderful! Amazing story! I loved the plot too! It was totally awesome!
| Iron Man's Science Bro chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
Ron fainting. That one made me laugh.
Loved it *faved (
| Amehhh chapter 1 . 3/30/2011
Favorite oneshot, right here. I loved it. :D