|Reviews for An Arranged Marriage|
| TheEagerScribbler chapter 1 . 2/2/2011
I like that. "Ice blond hair." I don't I've ever heard that one. that's a perfect description!
| RoseScor90 chapter 1 . 1/19/2011
It was a rather cute story! Now for the scores:
Believability – The characters were completely in canon so a 5 for that
Readability – There were little to no errors in there so a 5 for that too
Enjoyability – I do think you could have shown a bit more of their relationship in there so a 4 for this one
Shipability – The fic concentrated on the pair loyally and I think you wrote it quite realistically, so a 4 for that
Total – 18/20
All the best!
| slytherinprincess02 chapter 1 . 12/27/2010
wow...yours was much better than mine... good job XD
| padfoot's prose chapter 1 . 12/5/2010
Firstly, well done! This was a difficult challenge and you should be proud to have taken it on.
Your idea for this was very original. However, I felt as if you didn't quite write this idea to its full potential. There was a constant build up of tension, but no delivery of an event. Narcissa's neutral and composed tone seemed to constrain you rather than aid you, and the story needed some sustenance and strength, which it lacked. There were also some pesky grammar mistakesm including an overuse of the semi-colon (;). You might want to review how it should be used before being quite to liberal with it. For that reason, I'll give you a 2 for readability.
As for believability, your idea was a very good one and I did find the characters believable. My only recommendation here would be to introduce less chracters if possible; especially in a short story, you might want to try not to exceed three or four characters. Your description of Lucius was paticularly good, although Bellatrix seemed a bit too mild. So I'll give you a 4 for that.
Your story was, by nature, about suppression and similarly sad things, so wasn't exactly the fluffy, romantic piece I'd envisioned. However, the last paragraph did add some much-needed optimism to poor Narcissa's tale, and I was happy to keep reading all the way through your story, so you can have a well-deserved 3.5 for enjoyability.
With shipability, forgetting the fact that you were talking about people being forced to love each other, again your last paragraph redeemed you. I'm very happy with giving a 4 for shipability, as I detected absolutely no bitterness.
That makes your overall score 13.5. Well done!
| controlled climb chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
First things first: great job. Taking a challenge like this isn’t the easiest thing to do and I commend you for doing so. The take you took on this pairing was brilliant. The take you took
on Narcissa and Lucius’s relationship was refreshing and made an interesting read.
The way you incorporated her “Pureblood” status worked well for me. In Potter-Verse (I almost put reality, haha xD) this is most likely the reason why the two got married and I was pleased to see that you didn’t overlook that factor of the relationship. Her hesitancy and almost childlike wonder was believable and again, very likely.
The scene you used was snappy and short. This is good. Short timelines for short stories are very good. I felt that while you took time to explain the relationships between each featuring person and another (which was great) that you could have used more imagery to build the picture in my mind. However, that being said, Narcissa’s thoughts were clear and got through to me.
The characters aren’t really ones that feature an awful lot in the books and there really wasn’t a lot to go from in this piece, so I can’t really comment on your characterizations. However, nobody seemed too out of character to me, so good on you!
For believability I shall award you a 4.
You have a nice writing style. I like the way you portrayed Narcissa’s thoughts without overdoing it. Some parts seemed a bit awkward and forced to me. And there were a few problems with commas.
** There was a knock on the door, and I crossed the room, opening it to find Bella there. **
You don’t need the first comma. By putting that there you’re making the sentence similar to something along the lines of: “There was a knock on the door, opening it to find Bella there.”
This doesn’t quite make a sense. But yes, taking out that first comma would have smoothed that out a bit, I think. Problems like that were scattered around the piece, but it didn’t hinder my enjoyment of the piece too much.
There were a few other problems with commas around the place, but overall it wasn’t too shabby.
So… I suppose a 3 for readability.
I enjoyed this piece. I’ve read many takes on the pair especially centering their marriage arrangements and this piece certainly didn’t fall short of my expectations. I loved the interactions between Lucius and Narcissa. Although this only happened at the end, it did amuse me some.
My favourite line: “His voice was silky, carefully tailored to charm.”
Wonderful. Really, pure brilliance.
Of course, in saying that, there were a few things that bothered me that I mentioned somewhere above and so I’ll give a score of 3 for enjoyability.
So, how well did you ship this? Well. I suppose it had the typical Narcissa and Lucius air to it. You didn’t seem to bash the pairing and you worked well with what you were given. I found it believable and wouldn’t have believed that this was your “rival” pairing.
So for that, a 5 is in order, I think.
That brings your overall score to 15. You did a fantastic job with this challenge and I hope you enjoyed writing this as much as I enjoyed reading it. I wish you best of luck with your future scores and future writing.
| watchitstark chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
No! You never learn to love him, you despise him, you love Hermione! Ahem, sorry about that, it was well written anyway.
| Gabi chapter 1 . 12/2/2010