|Reviews for School Tactics Advance|
| Rober2 chapter 7 . 3/18/2011
Hmmm... First off, at the start of the story where Shadow woke Dan up, it would be nice if you made dan a bit groggy from being woken up; the same can be said when Dan work up Ann via pouring water on her sleeping face.
Also, I noticed some unneeded things that are said in the story... when Ann said "Do you think I'm your mother or something? I have no food for you.", it was unneeded for Ann to tell Dan that she didn't make breakfast for him... the first sentence alone is enough to give both Dan and the readers the message... but if you really want to prolong her statement, try spicing it up a bit, as long as it's still in character for her...
here's the difference...
"Do you think I'm your mother or something? I have no food for you."
And here are my ideas...
"Do you think I'm your mother or something?"
"Do you think I'm your mother or something? Get your own breakfast."
The last idea is good as long as it's still in character for Ann... I don't know how Ann thinks since she's your character; it'll be you to decide that.
Also, once the narrator focuses on a character, it's a good idea to keep it in a single paragraph... here's the example...
"We're all set." Ann climbed onto his motorcycle, but the four carriers made it hard for her to position her legs.
"You have too many things on your bike. I think you should get rid of these," she said, pointing out the boxes on the side of Dan's bike.
And here's what you should've done...
"We're all set." Ann climbed onto his motorcycle, but the four carriers made it hard for her to position her legs. "You have too many things on your bike. I think you should get rid of these," she said, pointing out the boxes on the side of Dan's bike.
Lastly, I think the chapter ended a bit too... abruptly... or maybe this was just a filler of sorts? Seeing as how Ann had ro register and all...
...anyways, other than me berating you (Sorry, but I had to be honest _) The story seem to be progressing well, not to mention that I think I'm seeing improvements already...
...I expect good things at the late end of this story...
| mimi-chan and aliling-chan chapter 6 . 1/12/2011
Not bad but sorry I'm not a final fantasy fan. You really matched the other authors but I can't tell becuz I have a terrible headache and you said that I'm familiar with the country right? My guess it's Asia...if Europian or American it's red cross not cresent. Red cross are for Christians. Red cresent are for non Christians. If u want me to guess which asian country is it...I have no idea...could it be India cuz it's in ur go...headache is worst...oh and besides yyh, INY n DC. These three I can help but for Bleach...I'm still new to the series. Sorry it took so long, geez, teachers really wanted us to cram our brain is totally in focus lately. So...i'll be away from fanfiction on weekdays but on weekends...i'm free unless my family had plans since Chinese New Year is near...
| Mike AZ 2 chapter 7 . 12/31/2010
Nice chapter, but how or when are you going to make a reference to FF Tactics A2? I only asked whether youll use characters from the game because there are no references made.
Pardon me for criticizing you this time, I usually dont make bad reviews. I know you already told me that your story is inspired by FF Tactics A2.
If I may offer a new character, story or quest idea while Im at it, heres a suggestion.
For example, Ann can eventually join Dan at the school he's attending and the pair can do various quests together with two more new characters.
Said new characters would either be both male and female or they can be both boys or both girls.
As for new character names, maybe you can somehow use the following character names Luso, Adelle, Vaan and Penelo and Cid, just to add more similarities between Grimoire of the Rift and this fic.
Sorry if I was being intrusive or disrespecting your story, I dont fully agree with Teddypro or the others. Im just giving you my observations and offering ideas.
| cuttingmoon57 chapter 7 . 12/30/2010
Just thought I'd drop the review I promised you. As a forewarning, I'm a constructive criticism-type reviewer, so take no offense to whatever I say. Anything you might find offensive was not written with that connotation in mind.
Anyway, enough formalities.
When I review a story on this website, I read the entire thing as well as a majority of the other reviews. I'll say right now, from what I've seen you have an excellent beta. In that I mean he's actually challenging you to do better, and giving you concrete advice (some that I myself may need to take up). If anything, keep Dark Rook.
He's already said much of what I had planned to say, so I apologize in not being able to specific. One thing I found that wasn't already said was chapter length. The first two chapters just seemed...too short. An good example would be chapter two. All that happened was Dan ascending the mountain and being accepted into the school. Some may disagree, but there was so much chance for exposition of the (rather nice) world you've thought up, of Dan's struggle going up the mountain, etc. I think a lot of your prologue could have been inserted into chapter two.
One thing I've noticed in fanfiction, where your stories come periodically, is that the first chapter decides who will read on and who won't. I'm sure you've noticed it too. Take a look at your chapter one (or two, since one was a prologue) compared to the other chapters. A sad fact, but many readers judge you as a writer on your first chapter, so it has to grab your audience.
It seems you are gradually improving in all aspects, though. Characterizations are steadily getting better, and as mentioned I'm seeing character flaws as well. One thing; I haven't seen a reference to FFTA2 yet, which brings concern if your story belongs in this category. If it is an original story, has a sister website called for original works.
Regardless, I enjoy the story you have so far, and with improvements I believe it can live up to its great potential. Don't ever give up on it.
With best regards- Cuttingmoon57
| Not Here 2010 chapter 6 . 12/29/2010
Okay, be prepared for constructive criticism in this review! I do have that right as your beta, correct? I think I do. I'm not trying to put you down, all I'm trying to do is help you improve your writing.
First off, the story is mostly made up of you saying how the characters feel, what things look like, etc. A rule of writing is "show, don't tell". Have you heard of that? If you haven't I'm just going to give you a link instead of spending 9,000 words poorly explaining it. So, here ya go:
It would also be nice to hear a bit more about what Dan is feeling as he does things and events happen. Take the battle against Way Peng and Kian Jee(?) a few chapters back for example: Dan fought against them, but as the reader you have no idea how he's taking it all. Was he excited? Nervous? Tense? You don't know. Here's a link, albeit it's more about writing good fight scenes: /content/dos-and-donts-of-battle-scenes-a30676
That's all the criticism I have for now, though I can't promise I will shut my mouth from now on. Bet you weren't expecting to get a dozen language arts lessons when you signed up for this, were you? Heh. A few good things I'm going to add in real quick is your characterization for Ann is done pretty well and the whole sketchbook lions concept is interesting to read about. Kudos for the characters flaws too! I think you've gotten the idea.
Yeah, I'm editing the chapter you sent me right now. Patience. :)
| Teddypro chapter 7 . 12/28/2010
Okay, I've got one thing to say. I need to see a good reference to FFTA2 by next chapter. I mean I'm just not seeing it. I think this is just a completely made up story by you with no real reference to the game. Unless you could prove me wrong but I don't see how. Not trying to be mean, but I thought I would have seen a refence by now!
| Teddypro chapter 6 . 12/28/2010
Okay, didn't need to know that about Dan.
Still, the only reference I see here is a portal to another realm but that is it. If there is something I'm not seeing please tell me!
| Teddypro chapter 5 . 12/28/2010
Okay, saw a reference to Harry Potter, but not FFTA2, again, unless I'm not seeing something you are.
Harry Potter reference "prefect"
| Teddypro chapter 4 . 12/28/2010
Again, I didn't see really any reference to FFTA2, unless you're doing something I'm not seeing.
| Teddypro chapter 3 . 12/28/2010
Interesting chapter. One thing though, I'm starting to wonder how this at all relates to Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift. That is what story type this is under, but I haven't seen any reference to FFTA2 yet. That or I'm as blind as a bat.
| Teddypro chapter 2 . 12/28/2010
I'm finding it a bit hard to figure out what is going on in this chapter. You might want to expand on what's happening a little more to make it a little clearer.
| Mike AZ 2 chapter 6 . 12/20/2010
Good story so far.
I like your characters, especially Dan and Ann. I think, from the way this chapter and the last one sounded, I think Dan and Ann would make a good pairing.
But thats just an idea, not to mention Dan and Ann sound like a troubled, but awesome, pair.
Oh, and what are you going to do with the Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift cast?
Im just wondering because your fic is in the Final Fantasy A2 category. If no characters from Grimoire of the Rift will be included, sorry to bother you like this.
Ill be Looking forward to the next chapter.
| Rober2 chapter 3 . 12/11/2010
This review is for chapter 2 only since I haven't seen the rest.
It looks to me like you're already showing improvement... or your at a good part of your story that it enabled you to write it splendidly.
Anyways, here are some good tips for your grammatical improvement.
"He then threw his second sword to Way Peng. Way Peng grabbed it with his left hand."
"He then threw his second sword towards Way Peng, but Way Peng was able to grab it with his left hand."
Please notice the difference.
And whenever two sentences have the same word (most probably a noun), it's best to change that as it is not a good way of showing grammatical expertise.
Here's what I saw.
"Without Way Peng noticing, Dan concentrated his chi on his remaining sword. Water collected around the sword."
Here's the change.
"Without Way Peng noticing, Dan concentrated his chi on his other sword, causing water to collect around it."
Lastly, it's best if you keep people from talking too much when they're doing physical actions (like fighting).
Instead of Dan saying "But it's my turn now!", just let him say "My turn!"
| Not Here 2010 chapter 1 . 12/10/2010
Okay, so first, I agree with what the other reviewers said in terms of critique. You have quite a few grammatical errors, which would could easily be fixed if you used some type of spell check and possibly had a beta edit your story before you posted it using the DocX system.
Also, it sounds like this main character, Dan, is yourself. Generally when writing that isn't the greatest idea as often the characters turn out too perfect - is the term Gary-Stu/Mary-Sue familiar? I'd advise that you give Dan some negative traits as well as positive. Some sort of "fatal flaw", like the traditional heroes of Greek mythology had. A good way to make sure none of your characters become the clique perfect hero is to take some sort of Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu test. Like this one, for example: . I'm not saying that any of your characters are like that, but in future chapters they have the potential to become one so this is just a precautionary measure. :)
The story in itself is interesting and does have potential to develop into something great. I find the world you've created to be unique, though there are a few points you may want to elaborate on. Why do they have different classes that are focused on fighting? You haven't introduced any monsters, wars, or battle tournaments/sparring that would make this necessary. Also, do they have magic (I'm assuming they do 'cuz of the chi) and how exactly does the magic system work? Often in Final Fantasy games the power is drawn from crystals - I can't remember how it works in Tactics A2, but it's almost always necessary to explain where the magic comes from, who can use it, etc. Just elaboration about the world/social conditions in general (not to mention more about Dan and his past) would be good. :) I'd also advise that you introduce the conflict in the story sometime soon (you know, the main problem, challenges).
If you take into consideration what I've said above, I'll be interested to see where this goes. :)
| EU2 chapter 3 . 12/5/2010
Hi ! I wanna congratulate you on your first story !
(and if you don't know who i am you're in serious trouble)
i'm not a great writer but here's what i think (pardon me)
OKAY,first of all chapter 1 is REALLY SHORT but chapter 2 makes up for it with a decent length.
You need to work on your action scenes and use better words like "anticipate" but i guess its okay since its your first...time?
give more elaboration on the characters...they need more people love them or hate them (in later chapters )
the "application of chi" was quite good i look forward to more of that )
OKAY,As promised this is my review...please don't hate me kay?