|Reviews for Mahou Tsukaima Negima|
| dsgundam00 chapter 2 . 12/18/2010
more must have more.
| Lucaris chapter 2 . 12/8/2010
Below Average. I'm sorry but, that's just the highest I can give this story right now. I'm sorry if you feel that it's harsh but that's how I see this story.
The first chapter is, at first impression, incredibly cluttered. Those paragraphs need to be broken up into something easier on the eye, especially when they contain a lot of dialogue from characters.
Your attempt at humor near the end of chapter 1 was bland, to say the least. While I have no love for those people mentioned, bringing in real life references into a fictional world threw off the flow of the story.
The second chapter looks much better than the first; the paragraphs are short and to the point. However, characterization here was really weak. Also, the introduction of more characters was unneeded. It was way too sudden as well, not to mention completely detrimental. It was great as a fan of Negima to see all those characters, sure. But can you handle them properly? Do you intend for all of them to have equal standing in the story, or will some characters overshadow others?
Again, bland humor in this chapter. Excessive too. Try to find places where the humor seems naturally occuring.
Right now this story is becoming "Negima: with some Familiar of Zero on the side". I came for a crossover, not seeing one world dominate over another.
Another thing, don't put A/N's in the middle of a chapter. They ruin the flow of the story.
If you have taken the time to read this, thank you. If you feel it was a harsh review, then I apologize, but these are my honest opinions.
I'll be keeping a lookout on your story.
| Ketchum Kid chapter 2 . 12/8/2010
Chapter feels a little rushed, and Negi is acting more like a certain Jack Rakan. There is also frequent usage of unnessarsay explanation. For example, no one in the academy, and certainly none of the readers, needed to know that Konoka and Setsuna are going out, especially after it was explained earlier. Think about what the character would naturally speak and act (Negi's "English gentlemen," Kirche's sueduction, and Konoka's cheery innocense, for example) before typing. Also, try to institute some form of kryptonite before Negi & co. become more greater than God than they already are.
To your question: Keep it T rated. I've read Negima and am almost finished with FoZ season 2, but they appear to be borderline. I feel that if the story goes beyond that, it will focus more on sex than an actual plot.
And please, while the humor is nice, it is exessive in places. Try to curb it slightly.
(Sorry if I'm being overcritical. I don't want to see any more badfics than I've already seen.
| Alice nGabla chapter 2 . 12/8/2010
Get a beta. Quick. SRSLY
| Also chapter 2 . 12/8/2010
Also dont forget that negi is basically now a demon so he is basically similar to eva undieing unless he is killed.
"People Die When They Are Killed" - Doctor Emiya Shirou,PhD
| bcdeidarauno chapter 2 . 12/8/2010
This is very promising. Two questions though. Is it possible to bring up Chao Lingshen in this story? The Alien from Mars who is the Direct Descendant of Negi Springfield. And if so is she going to be a member of Ala Alba? Just asking, anyways keep up the good work.
| God EMperor Nex chapter 2 . 12/8/2010
To answer your question HELL! YEAH! make it more adult like.
| Tailsmo4ever chapter 2 . 12/8/2010
| EXpertUS chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
its interesting... please update...
| Ketchum Kid chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
Regarding the perspective of the story, let me make it clear: Writing in 3rd person primarily, or 1st and 2nd, for that matter, is NOT something to be concerned about. Most authors I've read use 3rd person, as it gives more freedom for accurate descriptions. 1st person is used sometimes, but it is only one character's description. Looking at what you have currently, It seems that you switch from 1st to 3rd person I don't think that either you or this story are suited for 1st person. But it's mainly what you are most comfortable writing in.
| Ketchum Kid chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
Two things: Add diaologue where dialogue should be used; and more usage of the Enter button would be helpful, especially to separate dialogue from descriptions. Other than that, this is a very good story, using one of the more sensible crossover groups not in active use. Just try to work it in somehow that Negi actually uses the power granted by becoming Louise's familiar, since Negi currently could destroy the world with his bare hands. And speaking of familiars, shouldn't Chamo be with Negi?
| tojaka chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
I liked much this chapter *O*, Negi did a spell and now they are in the world "Familiar of the Zero", Chisame kissed to Evangeline O_O, was very funny the part in that they have that sit in the floor Setsuna "Who dare you make Ojousama do such a thing for this indignation you will.. and Eva's (Insert Eva evil laugh here)!" XD, they seem cinderella with the job, Negi won to Guiche, Will Saito be in the story?, How they will reaction when know of that Louise has as name "Louise the Zero"?, update soon please, what will happens now?, this interesting, cheer up!
| Negima A.K chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
Good chapter and good start, is interesting see to Negi and the others in the world Familiar of the Zero, when Kirche sees to Negi, I imagine Kirche trying tempt to him lol (Certain that Asuna will angry equal that Chisame and Evangeline), Guiche lost with Negi (Guiche is a conceited playboy, only missing that he tries captivate to Evangeline lol) I liked of that Evangeline is in the story (Is my character favorite of Negima), continue please.
| Tailsmo4ever chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
and so, Louise Françoise le Blanc de' la Valliere becomes the newest addtion to Negi's harem
| leo247 chapter 1 . 12/3/2010
please...let the rest of Ala Alba come...please.
the rest of Aia Alba:
please...let them come...please.