|Reviews for Until Our Paths Cross Again|
| Mistress Minty chapter 11 . 6/16/2013
OC focused stories aren't as popular nowadays, so I never seen any on here. Kudos on being brave enough to post your idea despite the recent decline of these stories! I enjoyed reading through this. It's a bit long and I usually don't bother reading fics that are so far long. But you were kind enough to subscribe to my account, so I thought I'd return the favor. (Thanks, by the way.)
I noticed some bad technical habits as I read through your story. You have problems with run-on sentences, adjective usage and speech tagging. I'll explain what I saw and how it can be remedied using examples from your latest chapter, okay?
Your opening sentence is a run-on and you have way too many adjectives. "Aurora had nearly knocked me out with that last hit to the head, and even though I'd have been all too happy to enjoy the sweet embrace of sleep, I don't think she would've let me shirk off this final bit of the job." It looks awkward and sloppy. If you rearrange the details and separate your ideas, this is what you come up with, "Aurora nearly knocked me out with that last blow, and although I was exhausted, she wouldn't let me shirk off the rest of the job." See? I shortened it by taking out all those unnecessary adjectives/adverbs. Just replace them with words that more effective. 'Exhausted' was what I opted for when describing how tired she was.
Here's an example of your speech tagging problem. "There's not enough of him to eat! All skin and bones!" Said another, one of the two holding Aurora, causing a gasp to come from her, and then words." In this particular sentence, the dialogue alone doesn't form a complete sentence because it is followed by a speech verb. When that's the case, you would write it like this, "There not enough of him to eat! All skin and bones," said one of the creatures that held Aurora, prompting a gasp from her." More examples are: "Dialogue," said he/she. "Dialogue," he/she said. He/she said, "Dialogue." "Dialogue," said he/she, "and dialogue."
Hope that helped. Good luck! :D
| MetaphoricLesta chapter 5 . 3/13/2011
Man, this fanfiction makes me laugh. From start to finish. This is very good. Can't wait for the rest of the chapters! ...Wait, I can... but I just say I can't. XD
| Hishin Trueflame chapter 3 . 2/3/2011
ok all i have seen till now is Castelvania
and that he migth have Solar Boy blood in his veins
what i wonder is
where is Otenko and the Gun Del Sol or the Sol De Vice(the gauntlet that let Django use elements on his weapons like the Sun)