|Reviews for Fang|
| DezoPenguin chapter 1 . 6/24/2011
This is a story I wasn't particularly comfortable with reading, for a variety of reasons. It's not that it was particularly bad, but it's my least favorite of the arc (and thus far, my least favorite of all the PSIII fics you've posted on the site) for a variety of reasons.
First, though, let's address the good points. There's Thea as Lune's wife; I always enjoyed Neilast's Thea Theories back in the day (I'm still amazed that "in the day" was over a decade ago...) and while I don't know if that's your source for this characterization choice I nonetheless like it. Adan's frustration with boomerangs is funny because it reflects the issues that different PCs have with their weapon choices. Kara and Gwyn's byplay was cute. I like the use of "coeval" here; it lends just the right touch of archaism to the medieval world society and the thousand-year-old-relics of Dahlia alike (a future review will have a different opinion on the word, but that's a different issue). And the fight between Adan and Lune which was the core of the story was actually quite well-written, right up to Adan's snappy last line.
Now the things which didn't so much impress me:
The word "musubi" confuses me. While I know you have been fleshing out Alisa III society with a variety of new words for unique concepts, this particular word is made up of syllables from Japanese, and it appears in a story where Adan is using a sword skill that's obviously drawn from Japanese iaijutsu techniques. Yet my lack of knowledge of the language does not help, and online translators tell me that it isn't a Japanese word. So that's confusing (simply put, if I have to start running to online translators to tell me if a word is or isn't in a foreign language, it may not have been a good choice of word).
Not knowing Adan's age here really hurts me in knowing how I feel about the fight scene *and* Adan's personality. There's a real difference between, say, if he's 10, 13, or 16. He feels like he's on the young end of the sliding scale, since Kara is goofing up basic combat training (Gwyn's mistakes aren't age-dependent, since she's trying a boomerang for the first time), and that the narration calls him "the little prince," but I can't really be sure.
The problem is that my feelings about the fight and Adan himself slide in opposite directions based on his age.
If Adan is a 10-year-old kid, his personality as shows here is just about perfect. His pride is the kind of thing a kid is prideful about, getting annoyed that his mom rescued him instead of the other way around, his "I'm not a little kid!" reaction to Lune's taunts, the whole works. The problem is, I have a really hard time believing a little kid could give Lune, the greatest of Layan warriors, a "deep wound in the thigh" using a special technique that he'd never actually done before, even given that Lune was no doubt being arrogant and smug about it. (Not to mention the fact that the greatest of Layan warriors is having a duel with a little kid using *real* weapons.)
On the other hand, if Adan is older, then I can believe that he might actually have won the fight, combining natural skill, training in Orakian techniques, Lune's arrogance, and a special technique (which appears to be something not unlike a Skill from PSIV), but he comes off like a stuck-up spoiled brat.
Lune acts like a complete ass throughout the story, first picking on a little kid for really no good reason (and *mocking his own wife* to do it; he as good as said, "No, Thea, you moron, Adan is a worthless little shrimp, so don't encourage him.") and then, when he was lucky enough to actually win the duel immediately starting to beat the crap out of him (seriously, what was Lune going to do if Mieu hadn't intervened, kill Adan on the spot or just pound him into a quivering lump?). Mind you, this is not particularly OOC for Lune, who spends all of Nial's generation as the major villain and over in Ayn's side of history wages a genocidal war for over twenty years. But it really makes me wonder why Thea would give him the time of day, let alone marry him.
The good news is, this is by far the low point of the arc, so things improve from here on out.
| augmentedfourth chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
Ohh, you've found my weakness - I LOVE stories/theories that have Thea as Princess Kara's mother, as Thea's one of my favorite characters.
I like your characterization of Lune in the whole arc, but especially this story. Lune seems to be one of the more complex characters in the game (especially in a game where there's not a ton of character development), so I'm a little surprised there isn't more fanfic written about him. It's been a while since I played, but I believe it's implied that as soon as Nial & company defeat him, everyone lives happily ever after (until the next generation), but it seems much more realistic to have Lune still harboring some resentment about the whole situation, especially after being defeated by the descendant of Orakio AND a fellow Layan (Ryan).
| Vicious Pink chapter 1 . 12/5/2010
Oh very nice! You were afraid of how I might react to Lune's characterization, but honestly it's about how I'd imagine an older Lune to be. Great job!
Gwyn's sassy remarks about Kara were really cute, too.
I see you're going with some of the Thea Theories here. I like Thea, so it's nice to see her included in a Nial-descended arc. I also see you're taking some cues from Toyo Ozaki, with Thea's sickness, Mieu being the children's tutor, and Gwyn's jealousy of Kara's budding relationship with Adan. I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting, but I definitely enjoyed you bringing all of these pieces of PS3 together. Can't wait for more!