|Reviews for Contest Entries|
| yllimilly chapter 21 . 1/29/2011
Of all the reviews you got for this piece I'd agree with Animum's the most.
I did enjoy the mix of creepy and sad/gently pathetic, I like that you made Honda emo in a very IC way.
The ending is quite dazzling as well. Bravo.
| dragonlady222 chapter 22 . 1/29/2011
Poor Akefia is looking for something lost a long time ago.
| snow angel chapter 22 . 1/26/2011
I must admit, I had been hoping for a better ending for poor Ake, but I did enjoy the bittersweet reality that not everything goes the way you want it to, not everyone gets a happy ending.
| My Misguided Fairytale chapter 22 . 1/23/2011
Aw, the Gemshipping was so sad! D: I was really rooting for them in this, too, but I do like the twist at the end. I think your interpretation of all of the characters is so interesting, and we really get a lot in this story even though it isn't all that long. I like how you included Amane (although I kind-of tripped over the few times where you referred to her as "the youth" - that's what pronouns are for! D), and I like the 'reincarnation' idea, and I think you wrote that well.
Good job on this! D Keep up the good work!
~Jess (My Misguided Fairytale)
| safa'at keruth chapter 22 . 1/22/2011
This was certainly really interesting. First was the concept of Amane being alive and well, which we as fanficcers rarely ever see used, and then the idea of Ryou being a reincarnate of another Ryou from Egypt but not willing to get into a relationship with TKB right now... the second especially is a fascinating point. And I think it's really likely too, because people who write this kind of reincarnation fic usually skim over the idea that Ryou wouldn't randomly fall in love with a stranger just because he was apparently in love with him in the past. The concept of TKB being not quite corporal (or, at least, disappearing at the end) also intrigued me, and I'm curious now as to what exactly happened there.
My only bits of concrit are the unlikelihood of someone being named 'Ryou' in Ancient Egypt and the somewhat more pressing unlikelihood of TKB being perfectly cool with modern technology and understanding enough of how it works to handle a cellphone. Seeing as it probably looks like nothing more than a decorated rock to him. xD
Good job, and good luck in the contest! :)
| Ziven chapter 22 . 1/19/2011
I LOVED the way that you captured the essence of their past relationship. It was so...sad. Really. I wasn't expecting the ending that you left it off, though - but it was oddly complete, in its own way. I could see a narrative about Akefia (isn't that a fansite-given name? If it isn't, I'll have to use it...) being placed after this one to describe his woe, etc. I would be interested in seeing how Akefia got to the present and how he's got the ability to just move himself around like that.
There were a couple places where I wish we had more fluid detail. An example would be, "When he came to, Ryou was pretty sure that it was probably the same memory that Amane had been subjected to." In this case, I think that it would have been more effective to tell the audience that he was seeing the same thing that Amane saw as opposed to him personally acknowledging that he saw what Amane saw, considering that when she spoke to him she was still very startled and not at all specific about what she saw apart from the fact that it meant that they were lovers.
A small detractor from the story was some of the logic in terms of magic. You pointed out in your own story that it wouldn't really make sense for Akefia to know where Japan is because he's never gone there, but he managed to get to Ryou in any case, without a map or a description or a mental connection to the degree that would acknowledge such a trip (since Ryou didn't remember him at all at that point). His mysterious power to transport himself would have gone over a bit better if you hadn't had your character point out the contradiction.
Still, aside fro that small thing, good job! And Good luck!
| Animom chapter 22 . 1/19/2011
I can't recall ever seeing the unique (and realistic) spin you've given to this "lovers reunited across time" story – usually it's Happily Ever After, but I liked it.
My only concrit is that some of the action choreography threw me here and there, but it was only a minor detriment. ~ There were also a few incorrect or odd words here and there: if other reviewers don't point them out I'll be glad to give you detail sin a PM.
| Ziven chapter 21 . 1/4/2011
I liked the exploration of Honda's inner feelings here-it's one of the things that's thought of and used, but never really resolved or touched on by other characters, and I liked the fact that Marik made himself known here, and that you created the parallel between Honda's loneliness and Marik's loneliness. They're both born of different things, but the cure is the same, and you point to that here.
Now technical stuff:
(1) A lot of the statements that were made outside of dialogue should have been in paragraphs together. I can understand wanting to break things up for emphasis, but connecting ideas should really be grouped together.
(2) I noticed two words that seemed out of place: "Daemon" and "close-knitted". This is a very minor detail, but Honda just isn't a character that I would attribute these words to-not because of his gruff character stereotype or anything like that, but he's really more of a practical person, and it seems as though you were writing him as close to in character as possible. Those two words just really jumped out at me.
(3) I wanted to see more closeness from the characters here. Marik didn't really interact with Honda other than identifying with him emotionally and touching his shoulder, and that doesn't necessarily imply a definite relationship. I wanted there be a little something else to go on to solidify this as a pairing. As of the state it's in now, I don't think that I could guess that they're definitely going to end up together.
But~! I really liked your language here. You managed to make Honda emotional without making him a sop or a crybaby. It was just a touch of emotion, enough to make me as a reader realize that this was just a weaker moment for him, incited by Marik's prodding and pushing. Marik's quotes and questions were very well placed! You did a good job. Good luck!
| Animom chapter 21 . 1/3/2011
This had – in a good way – an unsettling mixture of creepy and sad. I like Honda a lot – he's really the solid foundation of the group – and I think that came through here very well; but he's human, too. His little wisps of longing were so much more poignant when set against the shadings of malice from Marik (and the fact that marik's apparently reading Honda's mind the whole time.)
The encounter you've written between them doesn't have any identifying time or place, and though usually that bugs me, I actually think that works here. Those that are into canon can decide where it "fits in" and those who aren't so into canon don't need to.
| safa'at keruth chapter 21 . 1/1/2011
I find this introspective look into Honda's thoughts really cool to read - I've certainly explored the concept of the 'less-than-important, non-dueling' characters holding something against Yugi and Jounouchi despite their friendship, but never to the extent that you have. And I think this isn't used nearly enough in fics and admire you for trying it out :D
I was especially fascinated by the part where Honda admits he isn't too close to Yugi and Anzu, because I've hardly ever seen THAT, and yet it's very likely - after all, he was only roped into Yugi-tachi on Jounouchi's heels. That was one of the most awesome revelation moments in the fic ~
I like the short, clipped tone of the sentences, although I'm a bit confused about when this takes place. If it's during Battle City, then I think that makes a lot of sense, and it really fits the randomness of Honda's thoughts because they could have been influenced by Malik. Otherwise, I'm at a loss to say why his thoughts are so sporadic. xD
Good job, and good luck in the contest! :D
| dragonlady222 chapter 21 . 12/30/2010
Poor Honda, always left at the edges and never really apart of anything. He is very brave when he saves Mokuba.
| dragonlady222 chapter 20 . 12/30/2010
Poor Mai, at least she made a choice.
| dragonlady222 chapter 19 . 12/28/2010
Poor Ishizu and Rishid. He is forever the out cast.
| dragonlady222 chapter 18 . 12/28/2010
I wonder, was he destroyed this time or will he be back. He really made her angry this time.
| dragonlady222 chapter 17 . 12/28/2010
Poor Atem lost his love once and will lose him again. I hope they find each other again.