|Reviews for So, She's Not Crazy?|
| Judgment Bear chapter 1 . 4/6/2011
To start things off, I do commend you on really painting a picture of what's surrounded the prison. Jagged rocks, crashing waves, the whole caboodle there was well done. I did enjoy that immensely. However, maybe some more description of the inside of the prison as well would be in order, to get an even picture there as well. But still, I liked your descriptions. And there are no spelling errors as far as I can tell, however, there are some issues with punctuation.
However, the way the writing was blocked together was a turn off. There are three large blocks of text that could easily be broken into smaller pieces, which would improve the flow.
Also, whenever someone new starts to speak, a new paragraph is started. This is especially true near the end when there are several men talking, but their quotations run together. It doesn't look good, and can be confusing.
This one is more of a pet peeve, but generally a good rule of thumb as well. Avoid switching POVs. especially in the middle of a chapter. Stick with one POV, that way it flows better, and there's no strange jump (and no need to announce the change in POV).
Perhaps some more description of the other men is in order, such as the leader near the end. Even if he's not important later in the story, some description to his character will paint a better picture, and give you a chance to really show how he is the leader.
Avoid word repetition as well. Here: "...except for the occasional screaming from the insane prisoners and the harsh winds, pouring rain, and the occasional thunder that comes with any horrible storm" Occasional was already used in that sentence, so try for another one.
There were several run on sentences as well that could have easily been broken into shorter, better sounding sentences. Others may have been incorrect punctuation (as some really did sound like they ended, but had a comma instead) but only you as the writer can determine that or not.
Try not to use all caps unless you're going for real emphasis. When using, "the man shouted" it's generally all right to leave the actual words in a normal font.
On to the actual story. A nice picture of doom was still painted, and I did like the descriptions for her escape. However, I did notice in the A/N how you asked readers to go to your profile to get character info and an idea of what she looks like. While I'm glad there's no chapter dedicated to this, try to incorporate this into the writing as well. Instead of sending the readers off to gather supplementary info on your character, actually provide it through descriptions in the story. It makes for better storytelling, and allows readers who will not do this a chance to actually know who they're reading about.
Slightly off topic. My apologies. Anyway, I'm a little intrigued on what it is that seems to make this girl so dangerous. After all, they had her locked up for a reason right? But if she could just make a portal...why didn't she do this in the first place? Or do you go into that later? Is there a limit on her powers? So on, so forth, but if you address it later, I look forward to an answer. The reason I ask is because it sounded that before the power went off, she couldn't, but then she could once the lights were out. But there is no explanation of a device that held her back that lost power, or something along those lines.
I did like when she just fell off the cliff, but I like scenes like that. Dramatic look, then off she goes down a cliff.
Sorry about that last bit...I'm a little out of it right now. Anyway, hope this helps. I shall read the second chapter later.
| Lina Trinch chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
Hmm. I'm gonna wait for the next chapter to make any critics, but as far as the story goes, I like it. Hope you update soon.
| Rook KK chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
nice intro, cant wait for more
| nightmaster000 chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
sound's interesting wonder who the girl is
| BroadwayBabe4 chapter 1 . 12/10/2010
Alright, try to make chapters longer and refrain from switching POVs( and if you do, don't label it as 'your' POV because that makes it technically an interactive story which are against the rules)
| ItsPopularICantLikeItNow chapter 1 . 12/10/2010
You're welcome for the help :)