|Reviews for Admission|
| yllimilly chapter 1 . 12/19/2010
First off, have this 'I was ballsy enough to write a character death in a contest entry' plaque. That was kind of awesome. And totally unexpected. But in a good way.
What I like best about this fic is that it's a rewrite of the DOMA arc that is actually... more interesting and profound and gripping than the canon. (!) The dialoges expecially were vivid and felt very true to life. Yes, even angry!Jounouchi. Heheh.
Best of luck for the contest, and hopefully this tour-de-force that you just pulled off will encourage you to write more than drabbles... The world could use more awesome polar oneshots.
| safa'at keruth chapter 1 . 12/18/2010
I really liked the plot of this - Valon was such a wonderfully fleshed-out character, and the twist on canon was very well carried-out. The beginning of the fic was a bit 'blah' for me because I felt that you could have delved much more into the characters' feelings instead of just stating them flatly to the reader, but the end was very well-written. I agree that Valon's death was a bit TOO cliched, what with all the lines of dialogue broken up by pauses - maybe next time, you could make it less dramatic and include less details about his breathing growing shorter and such. Instead, replace it with Mai's thought process, since it's told from her point of view
I really like the part right before Valon dies, with Jounouchi exploding and threatening to duel Honda - it shows so well how upset he is, and how close he and Varon have grown since he was first introduced into DOMA. That scene is a wonderful example of 'showing, not telling' - you were doing a lot of telling in the beginning by just handing the reader a sentence saying how Jounouchi felt. But in that scene, you demonstrated it through dialogue very beautifully.
My concrit consists of the 'showing, not telling' thing I explained earlier, as well as my wish that you'd explained what was going on - I found myself lost at times. But other than that, great job - I think this was definitely your best work so far! :D Good luck in the contest!
| Animom chapter 1 . 12/17/2010
I have to admit I wasn't quite sure what was going on in this story, but your portrait of the disruption Mai must have brought to DOMA rang very true, as did the Mai/Jounouchi relationship.
| XSuicuneX chapter 1 . 12/17/2010
Awsooooooome...it's so nice to get a polarshipping fic from you. This story's got good potential and nice drama in it...Jou could easily have become a member of DOMA if certain things had gone a certain way.