I was searching for a story with Erika, and found yours. I loved how you portrayed the charachters, the story was a great read. Thank you soo much

My favorite part of this story was the pacing. The story wasted no time on redundant description, and the plot was always moving forward. The concept of the story is good and I love the characters.

The exact mechanics of the gameboard are rather unclear. As in, why does one need to die to escape it...? And if Erika knew you had to die to escape it, then she knew the true escape route and Will really didn't it? But I suppose being really confusing is a hallmark of Umineko. I really like the idea of Bernkastel creating a gameboard just to humiliate Erika; that's totally in character for her.

One common grammar problem in this story is using the wrong tense of verbs. Also, the past tense of fall is just "fell," not "felled" (English just has a lot of confusing irregular verbs). Here are a few grammar corrections:

he felled on his knees and breathed heavily. - he fell on his knees

I, Furudo Erika, will prove him what a piece like him should be doing." - ...will prove to him

Erika, now covered with leaves and was being held by a tall man with golden eyes. - Erika, now covered with leaves, was being held by a tall man with golden eyes.

""Yooouuu!" Erika ran after her. Will walked with a faster pace. - Erika ran after him. [the pronoun refers to Will, right?]

The two didn't spoke to each other. - The two didn't speak to each other.

"I don't need a detective. I need a map" - "I don't need a detective. I need a map."

When did those monsters started to exist here? - When did those monsters start to exist here?

Erika's just shut her eyes. - Erika just shut her eyes.

Erika's eyes widen at the sudden happening and stared at the ground. - Erika's eyes widened at the sudden happening and stared at the ground.

"Sure.. Wait, didn't I just told you that-" - "Sure.. Wait, didn't I just tell you that-"

Will didn't sense any attack coming from Erika, but she was able to shot him. - ...but she was able to shoot him.

But it was different smile. It was a warm smile. - But it was a different smile. It was a warm smile., or But this smile was different. It was a warm smile.

Lion sat at one of the chairs and started serve the soup, placing it in small bowls - Lion sat at one of the chairs and started serving the soup, placing it in small bowls or Lion sat at one of the chairs and started to serve the soup, placing it in small bowls

"She again turned around and saw the leaves, getting smashed as if an invisible figure was stepping on it."

- In the first half of the sentence the subject (the leaves) is plural, and in the second half it's singular (it). It would make more sense if it was consistently one or other, for example:

"She again turned around and saw the forest, getting smashed as if an invisible figure was stepping on it."

"She again turned around and saw the leaves, getting smashed as if an invisible figure was stepping on them."

"Erika, now covered with leaves and was being held by a tall man with golden eyes. She realized she looked ridiculous and quickly stood up, almost stumbling."

- Usually one stands up after being on the ground. One can't really "stand up" from being held by a man. Maybe it should say something like "quickly wriggled from his grasp" or something.

I can't emphasize how much I loved this. I love both characters to death(more Will than Erika though) and seeing them interact like that was priceless. Your characterization was good, despite a few grammar mistakes.

I'd love to read more stories like this one!

I love both of these characters to death...

But where was Erika's Syth*sp?*...?

I do wonder what Will would of thought of her but as the beginning showed Intectualet Rapist are not something to be proud of, so it is unknown.

But I never thought of this moment until now.

...Pity corpeses will always be dead. *sighs*

Now... Is Battler ending true or is there really such a sickening world?... God I love Umineko.