|Reviews for Camael's Sword|
| Funsmoke chapter 1 . 1/14/2011
This is going to be a long and fairly judgmental review (for an review), but I am going to take time and think about what I'm saying. First of all, I was interested enough in this story to read your first chapter, which doesn't often happen on . You're clearly a storyteller of some promise.
A little rushed for a first chapter, and a bit tough to read, mostly because there is so much information blocked into its paragraphs. Not a judgement on long paragraphs-I'm the worst when it comes to them, but my eyes kept skimming off them and missing good information.
There are a couple punctuation difficulties, and the way you introduce the characters' names is a little clumsy. Isaura? Is that meant to be their mother? And why would Mari refer to her mother in the third person. More likely she would introduce her *as* her mother.
If Isaura is not her mother, who is she?
"But he would always smile that smile and told me I was simply rebelling with the nature he gave me and he was all to blame."
This passage, for example, could be so much better if you took a little time to edit. For e.g. the reader does not know Mari's father, and therefore doesn't know what "that" smile is like. The punctuation is also awkward in this particular sentence.
Mari deals with her beloved father's death in a very cavalier fashion. What was the sickness like? Did he die immediately after catching it or did he waste away? How did she feel? Was she shocked? Was her father invincible in her eyes, and therefore was it difficult for her to come to terms with his death?
You've indicated that her parents were of some consequence, if Ambellina was learning to sit at tea and be graceful, so why would there be no other provision for their safety than some priest of Naamah? And if they were smallfolk, then that should be indicated.
We know very little about who these girls are before their story essentially begins, and since you're breaking with all of Carey's canon stories (though setting your story within the canon itself), there should be as much information as if your reader knew nothing about Terre d'Ange or its people whatsoever to be a successful story.
I'd like to read more-what you have posted here leaves me wanting precisely that. I feel like there's too much information crammed into probably about a thousand words, and too little. I should have formed an idea of what Mari's life was like, what her station is, what her reaction to a tragedy like her parents' death would be, and all I have is a simple recitation of facts.
Give me more. If you build it, I will come running.
That to say, thanks for writing a Kushiel fic. We need more of them.
I do want to emphasize to you, particularly, and to whomever might be reading this review, that I am not being a 'hater' or flaming your work. If you've been a writer for any amount of time, you probably know that a long, detailed, and thoughtful review, whether negative or positive, is always appreciated, and that's what I've attempted to craft here today.
Looking forward to your next installment.
| Lilith chapter 1 . 12/19/2010
Promising! I can't wait for the next chapter! Update soon I want to see how this turns out!