|Reviews for Paternal|
| Anyar4 chapter 42 . 9/13/2017
Well... that's that. Chapter 42. Good job with the story.
| Anyar4 chapter 40 . 9/13/2017
Darn it Danny, save yourself! Stop relying on everyone else and getting mad when they "abandon" you!
| Anyar4 chapter 35 . 9/13/2017
Honestly at this point I think Scout's just too different. I get that he's traumatized and all, but this is just insane.
| Anyar4 chapter 26 . 9/12/2017
Gosh art1st, your story is good and all, but can the character's *not* be complete idiots?
As routine, I'm here to berate Chapter 26's featured moron.
Obviously he isn't a horror movie fan because this is the most cliché way to find yourself alone and trapped. Gosh...
| Anyar4 chapter 23 . 9/12/2017
I've only read a third of Ch 23 and again I'm shocked.
You let the prisoner get free?
You let a tied up Sniper get free?
Are you guys trained killers or buffoons?!
| Anyar4 chapter 21 . 9/12/2017
Gosh freaking DARN IT are your characters BRAIN DEAD?
Chapter 21, what was the RED Scout THINKING?
"oh, hey, now that we're alone in a small room while im lying here recovering, im gonna accuse you of treason and hooking up with that guy who's trying to permanently kill people"
Then again, this is the same Scout a few chapters back who apparently doesn't know Spy checking exists.
| Anyar4 chapter 19 . 9/12/2017
Okay, after reading Ch 19, I'm convinced the BLU Scout is an idiot.
Obviously she set ya up.
| Anyar4 chapter 18 . 9/12/2017
It's weird how even after finding out there's a "purple" Spy, and even after all those close calls, nobody still bothers to take Spy checking seriously.
There's a Spy on the loose who wants to kill y'all permanently, ya bunch'a mercs, do something!
| Anyar4 chapter 17 . 9/12/2017
Lovin' the fic so far! Pretty good job, mate.
Also, for whatever reason I keep associating name and quotes to mean the name said the quote. Like here:
"'Did he say how he got it?' Engineer suddenly felt uncomfortable."
I assume Engie said it when really that's Engie's reaction to the quote being said. Dunno why lol, kinda weird.
Also, just an FYI, it's creeped out not crept out.
Thanks for writing! :)
| Jean chapter 42 . 4/9/2016
Oh please! PLEASE! Make a sequel!
| I've no clue what I am doing chapter 1 . 2/19/2016
I'm a couple of years late, but there seems to still be activity, so here I am.
First off, thanks a lot for roping me into fan fiction. Yes, I'm blaming you. The entertainment value of this guilty pleasure is too strong. This is fluffy and fuzzy and warm and gives good feelings (for the most part). I read it all in three days.
Now, for some things I found a bit off:
1. Soldier, Spy (BLU and RED) are out of character. I slavishly follow canon, and Canon!Soldier is one of my favourite classes, so I was a bit put out to see that Soldier was all Serious Business. The Administrator disappointed me, too: she doesn't trust anyone, not even Miss Pauling, enough to let them in on her plans. She seemed a bit cartoon-villainy here. (no spoilers!) Also, Bane is a depraved pervert and he should be punished. Sexual assault is not justifiable.
2. The diction at times reads like thesaurus abuse ("uttered" instead of "said", "questioned" instead of "asked"). Certain phrases and words appear very often, too: "glared hatefully", "gasped lightly" etc., which felt a bit repetitive as the story went on. Some constructions, like "quickly interrupted", also might be redundant: how exactly do you slowly interrupt someone?
3. In lines such as "Scout grabbed the pillow and chucked it at Spy as the other two men laughed" (Chapter 2), there appears that there could be up to four people in the room without context. Descriptions of posture and movement tend to go overly into detail ("left arm above his head, his left leg crossed in front of his right, and his right fist on his hip" - Chapter 32). Dialogue sometimes felt unnatural, almost formulaic; most people and the mercs especially aren't so wordy and generally don't spell things out so clearly. In those cases, the old maxim "show, not tell" might be best. In terms of writing style, I much preferred "The Secret Santa".
4. Capitalization, punctuation, typos, little things like that here and there. I freely admit a bit of pedantism in my nature. "Spy Check" is inconsistently capitalized throughout, and "check" should not be capitalized at all. I know, I know, no one likes a Grammar/Typography Nazi. I'm sorry.
Just some friendly observations - I make no pretense of superiority in writing skills or life. Feel free to come critique my writing if you are so inclined - I sorely need it :)
| pikachucat chapter 42 . 1/15/2016
| Scout Fan chapter 19 . 1/13/2016
I Have loved this story im not done reading it yet but still this is the best story i have read so far when ever im at work and its a slow day i go on my lap top and read this you can bring a smile to my face with you're amazing story and i felt so bad for BLU scout when he had his "experience" i was like " HE NEEDS HELP HE NEEDS A HUG LET ME HELP HIM!" but i can't jump through the screen to help scout so i had to yell at bane and i got a pillow put a face on it then punched it as hard as i could and yelled "BANE YOU SHOULD DIE YOU PERVERT!" but i hope you make more stories that are as good as this one (not saying they would be bad...) and thankyou for making my day amazing
| theFemspy27 chapter 42 . 12/12/2015
WAIT WHERES BANE?!,ps awesome just pure awesomeness in this
| Aubmob chapter 42 . 7/9/2015
yesterday at dinner I found this story. I have not put down my I pad since then. 111,000 word story read in 1 1/2 days. It takes me weeks to finish a normal book. My parents were staring at me like I was bat shitzelpuff crazy just sitting on the couch, nose inches from the screen all day. I think I blinked once within that period of time. I even began to read on my mothers phone after my iPad ran out of battery. Now, 11:30 at night in bed, tears soaking my shirt I stare in despair as the last page ends. But, I will sleep contently tonight, vowing to read more books from you the following day, knowing and trusting they will touch my heart as this one did. Thank you, and continue to work your magic. You have earned my both favorite and following for you and your story.