|Reviews for Paternal|
| Jean chapter 42 . 4/9/2016
Oh please! PLEASE! Make a sequel!
| I've no clue what I am doing chapter 1 . 2/19/2016
I'm a couple of years late, but there seems to still be activity, so here I am.
First off, thanks a lot for roping me into fan fiction. Yes, I'm blaming you. The entertainment value of this guilty pleasure is too strong. This is fluffy and fuzzy and warm and gives good feelings (for the most part). I read it all in three days.
Now, for some things I found a bit off:
1. Soldier, Spy (BLU and RED) are out of character. I slavishly follow canon, and Canon!Soldier is one of my favourite classes, so I was a bit put out to see that Soldier was all Serious Business. The Administrator disappointed me, too: she doesn't trust anyone, not even Miss Pauling, enough to let them in on her plans. She seemed a bit cartoon-villainy here. (no spoilers!) Also, Bane is a depraved pervert and he should be punished. Sexual assault is not justifiable.
2. The diction at times reads like thesaurus abuse ("uttered" instead of "said", "questioned" instead of "asked"). Certain phrases and words appear very often, too: "glared hatefully", "gasped lightly" etc., which felt a bit repetitive as the story went on. Some constructions, like "quickly interrupted", also might be redundant: how exactly do you slowly interrupt someone?
3. In lines such as "Scout grabbed the pillow and chucked it at Spy as the other two men laughed" (Chapter 2), there appears that there could be up to four people in the room without context. Descriptions of posture and movement tend to go overly into detail ("left arm above his head, his left leg crossed in front of his right, and his right fist on his hip" - Chapter 32). Dialogue sometimes felt unnatural, almost formulaic; most people and the mercs especially aren't so wordy and generally don't spell things out so clearly. In those cases, the old maxim "show, not tell" might be best. In terms of writing style, I much preferred "The Secret Santa".
4. Capitalization, punctuation, typos, little things like that here and there. I freely admit a bit of pedantism in my nature. "Spy Check" is inconsistently capitalized throughout, and "check" should not be capitalized at all. I know, I know, no one likes a Grammar/Typography Nazi. I'm sorry.
Just some friendly observations - I make no pretense of superiority in writing skills or life. Feel free to come critique my writing if you are so inclined - I sorely need it :)
| pikachucat chapter 42 . 1/15/2016
| Scout Fan chapter 19 . 1/13/2016
I Have loved this story im not done reading it yet but still this is the best story i have read so far when ever im at work and its a slow day i go on my lap top and read this you can bring a smile to my face with you're amazing story and i felt so bad for BLU scout when he had his "experience" i was like " HE NEEDS HELP HE NEEDS A HUG LET ME HELP HIM!" but i can't jump through the screen to help scout so i had to yell at bane and i got a pillow put a face on it then punched it as hard as i could and yelled "BANE YOU SHOULD DIE YOU PERVERT!" but i hope you make more stories that are as good as this one (not saying they would be bad...) and thankyou for making my day amazing
| theFemspy27 chapter 42 . 12/12/2015
WAIT WHERES BANE?!,ps awesome just pure awesomeness in this
| Aubmob chapter 42 . 7/9/2015
yesterday at dinner I found this story. I have not put down my I pad since then. 111,000 word story read in 1 1/2 days. It takes me weeks to finish a normal book. My parents were staring at me like I was bat shitzelpuff crazy just sitting on the couch, nose inches from the screen all day. I think I blinked once within that period of time. I even began to read on my mothers phone after my iPad ran out of battery. Now, 11:30 at night in bed, tears soaking my shirt I stare in despair as the last page ends. But, I will sleep contently tonight, vowing to read more books from you the following day, knowing and trusting they will touch my heart as this one did. Thank you, and continue to work your magic. You have earned my both favorite and following for you and your story.
| EchosBack247 chapter 42 . 5/29/2015
Wait, does that very last paragraph mean there is going to be a sequel?
| AlithiaSigma chapter 5 . 3/5/2015
...Sniper vs Spy rivalry over taking care of Scout...?
| AlithiaSigma chapter 2 . 3/4/2015
How to check for Spies without burning your teammates.
| Shadefeather682 chapter 42 . 1/23/2015
NOOOOOOOOO! IT CANT BE OVER! *sobs*
| Shadefeather682 chapter 40 . 1/22/2015
You rally find fanfic about Scout and his dad. ITS AWSOME!
| Shadefeather682 chapter 33 . 1/22/2015
I LOVE THIS!
| Guest chapter 42 . 9/20/2014
You wrote "son" as "sun"
| unknown chibi chapter 42 . 8/18/2014
yes please write more! danny and red should go home and spend some family time. please continue! :)
| Zilkenian chapter 42 . 7/17/2014
Okay, first the good things.
Amazing, LONG (what I like) story, with character development and never rushing anything, taking your time to describe every situation the characters had.
Also, I have to admit that you took lot of official things from the game and comics, like the friendship between BLU Soldier and RED Demoman, the fact that the RED Spy is having a relationship with BLU Scout's mother, and also it was fun to read about the reaction both teams had when they discovered that the announcer's voice was the same for both teams, almost the same I did while playing in my first battles in the game.
Now, the bad stuff. It's not a lot, but bothered me through the story.
My favourite characters in the game are Scout and Medic. The second was done quite good in here, I guess because you didn't have time to turn him fully OC, the Red Scout was, in fact, very in-character, and there were times that my attention focused more on him and his teammates rather than in the main characters. The moment when the Sniper tried to kill him with a pillow I was all like "Holy sh*t!".
BUT, the Blu Scout, Blu Spy and BLU Sniper were waaay too much out of character, specially the Scout. There were times I was like "Holly spoon, the Mary Sue can't get a hold of himself."
I know he's under a lot of stress, but my lord, there are sometimes he doesn't even try!
However, I saw that he knows about this and from time to time, acknowledges it out loud.
When he went back to battle, I was all like "Go Danny!", but then he turned into a crying ball again.
Also, Spy and Sniper, at first were fun to read, being jelaous and all, but soon I saw them developing more of a obsession towards Danny rather than a love interest. Sometimes I could only say "Good Lord, leave him breathe a bit!".
However, the RED Spy was interesting to read. Yes, he was out of character too, but it's his son! I would be out of my skin if I had kids and someone tried to harm them!
So I guess my main problems were, over all, BLU Sniper, BLU Spy and BLY Scout when he didn't even try. The rest was delightful to read. I'll read more stories from you soon, so go for it!