|Reviews for The Long Winding Path of Fate|
| Thephantomprince chapter 8 . 1/2/2012
Great story please continue!
| Sirus7009 chapter 8 . 11/21/2011
In the great words of Red from Legend of Zelda Four Swords Misadventures...
"Damn these cliffhanger endings!"
xD you're writing is excellent as always! Please, as soon as time allows, finish this! I'm brewing in excitement!
| Sentinel07 chapter 8 . 10/1/2011
Excellent as usual! Good job.
| YoulikekrabbiepattiesDon'tyou chapter 1 . 8/16/2011
I thought the conversation in the chapter were just fine, straight talking back and forths are good and if anything your approach to writing them will make the story itself read better.
Overall I really like what I'm reading :)
| Foolish Professional chapter 4 . 8/8/2011
Loving the story, the only part I don't like is how Matthew loses the scarf. But that'll be easy to look past. Keep up the good work.
| Raven the Ravenous chapter 7 . 7/19/2011
How long has it been since I read and reviewed a story that wasn't at 60-70 chapters long? Well okay not that long but I digress.
Editing is a pain but it is a necessity. We're not gonna have a perfect draft after the first go. So get used to it, Raid, editing is gonna save every writer's bacon in the long run.
Now it's not just Matthew and Tyrell but Amiti also has a thing for Karis. Huh, I didn't notice Sash was based off Zoro. But the green and headband did tip me off.
Ahem, great chapter overall, I can see you're doing better than when I first started reading this. Now I feel like the student but learning is fun!
| DeadM4nStudios chapter 7 . 7/12/2011
This chapter was amazing, and now I can't wait for the next one. Do you plan on having Karis caught in between Matthew, Tyrell, and Amiti? Because so far, it seems as if they all have an interest in the Wind Adept. Also, please make it a bit more clear who is talking, as many times during the story I would get confused as to who was speaking. Other than that, keep up the good work!
| CreationsGoneAwry chapter 7 . 6/24/2011
Ooh action scene! ;) It was really well done. My only criticism would be to more clearly specify who is speaking. Right before the fight between Sash and Matt commenced, I couldn't tell who was talking or thinking or anything, since the only thing I read was "he" or "him". There really are a lot of people there - let alone everybody but Karis is a male - so just try and clarify that more.
Now, this chapter was really amazing in a lot of ways, the first being the epically-portrayed action scene. . Poor Matthew.
And, uh...just a little heads-up: if you're planning on continuing the story with this language(the coarseness I mean)and violence you might want to change the rating to T, just to make sure your arse is saved.
Final note: Dawnshipping moment FTW :3
| CreationsGoneAwry chapter 5 . 6/24/2011
The first thing that I want to point out is the change from past to present tense. It's either stick with one - and in previous chapters it was past so you should keep it as that.
Also, I've only noticed this maybe two or three times, but when you're wanting to put emphasis on a word you use dashes around it(eg. -now-). Perhaps you should look into making that word italic, or in the case where it's already italic, make it normal to stand out from the other italicized words. It's more of a personal preference really, but it looks sort of strange to see dashes around an attempted-italicized word.
The last thing I'd like to bring to attention is the singular and plural forms of Djinn(i). A lot of people do this, I've realized, and I just want to somewhat clear it up. The singular form is Djinni and the plural is Djinn. It's not Djinns or Djinnis or anything similar. Okay, now I can move on to the amazing parts!
I was happy to see that Tyrell finally admitted his feelings for Karis. And sometimes filler chapters are exactly what a story needs and I felt this chapter didn't go too slowly or quickly. Ah, well I'm hoping Tyrell musters up the courage to tell her sooner or later! -still hoping for a love triangle chapter-
Anyway, great job! And I'm totally in agreement with some other reviewers who tell you that each chapter your writing style improves superbly. Like each chapter after the next is that much closer to being flawless :) Looking forward to next chapter~!
| CreationsGoneAwry chapter 4 . 6/23/2011
I was thoroughly impressed with this chapter! It was very long and very satisfying as well. And as much as it pains me to do this because it's such a great read, I read your bottom note and will happily oblige to some constructive criticism(though not nearly as much as I did on the first chapter - I must have been having a bad day or something, sorry about that). So I'll get that out of the way then continue on to the lovely parts so I can end on a good note.
First off, I would like to point out that you use a lot of ellipses(...). It's quite fine, actually, but sometimes too much makes it seem like the whole mood of the story is meant to be dark and at times when it's not supposed to seem that way the reader can misinterpret it. But it's your style, so I won't say anymore on that.
Next, and I can tell you've greatly improved on this just within these next 3 chapters, is that you should have a new paragraph each time someone new speaks. (I honestly don't know if I've said this in my other review or not, so sorry if I repeat stuff.)
And actually that was all that really stuck out to me, and really only one of those things should be dealt with if you choose to do any. Your descriptions are pretty amazing and even the dialog has improved, as I can tell anyway.
I can tell a love triangle is going to sneak up on us...I can't wait for that! I think childhood pairings are adorable, though I'm one of those people that, if it's a well-written fic, will be sucked into whatever pairing the story's about. The action scene was very well-written and the Matt/Karis hug scene was adorable~! I hope the next chapters elaborate on both their feelings about it. I also liked the sulking Rief in the background. Maybe that foreshadows some future problems...hmm.
Anyway, it's like a quarter after 5 in the morning here, so I hope you don't mind too terribly that I continue this later today .. All in all, this is a fantastic read and I can't wait to read more!
| FlameUser64 chapter 7 . 6/22/2011
I tend imagine Matthew as being a combo fighter, linking regular strikes and weapon unleashes into low-level Psynergy, though that's just a matter of personal preference. And couldn't he have just Gripped his sword, rather than using Quake to grab it? Eh, whatever.
Don't forget to use a new paragraph every time a different person speaks! It's very important and helps your readers to not get too confused.
Other than that, nice fic! Needs more reviews, since there's only ONE other non-crack fic that's likely to have any Dawnshipping.
| Sentinel07 chapter 7 . 6/22/2011
As usual, your chapters get better with each one. Really sold Karis's appeal though didn't you when you were "describing" her.
That last line got me more excited for future chapters. Although, I wonder if you're planning for more love triangles or something (since you seem to have Amiti possibly having feelings as well).
Looking forward to it.
| Guest chapter 4 . 5/10/2011
I'm glad you posted your wake up call at the start of this chapter because I was truly too engrossed by the first three to think about writing anything!
In alot of the fanfics, the characters just seem to be names I recognize speaking lines, while yours are much closer to real people. Especially in this chapter with how you wrote it! I'm no writer myself so I can't give any technical feedback, just how I felt while reading. Truly a pleasure to read and thank you!
| CreationsGoneAwry chapter 1 . 5/6/2011
Oh, wow. I'm glad I came upon this story! It's rather great, despite it only being the first chapter. Personally I like stories with more dialog than text but your story provides a glorious feel that I enjoy. I'm going to be really honest with you here: it was easy for me to tell that this was your first story. The grammar was off by a lot so I'm going to try my best to help you with that. (The following review will be epically long. In NO way does this mean I think you're a terrible writer - just that you need a bit of improvement, and in later chapters that I've yet to read if all of this is fixed I will apologize and kick my own arse.)
First off, you begin the story with Tyrell. So the person speaking should be only Tyrell, correct? So when Tyrell yells to the creatures, "I'll burn you down days before we will..." it sort of gets confusing. You hadn't yet mentioned that Tyrell was traveling with anyone. Of course, it is confirmed that he is traveling with more people in the next sentence so I suppose this can be disregarded. You tend to use a LOT of commas, especially unneeded ones, I've noticed. The first one I noticed was when "Matthew glared at Tyrell scornfully, which he noticed, but chose to ignore." You shouldn't use a comma after 'noticed' because then 'which he noticed' is read as an appositive - but it isn't one.
Next, the switches from one person to several people in the same sentence isn't too pleasant. "All Matthew could do was to keep them going, so he turned around to his friends, and with a nod, resumed their attempts at finding the cave exit." Matthew was the only person being described, so I feel that it should be changed to [roughly] this(also taking out some minor errors): "All Matthew could do was keep his friends and himself going so he turned around to them and, with a nod, resumed his attempts at finding the cave exit." And, actually, where are they, anyway? What cave are they in? How did they even get into it? Did they get lost traveling around Weyard? There is so much more you could elaborate on here.
I noticed a rather long run-on sentence that should be separated with some periods. "The boys dropped their bags aswell, Tyrell took a seat against the wall of the dead end, taking a well earned rest as Karis began unpacking their bags, placing the various items in the corner and then began assembling the tent with the components from everyone's bags in the left corner, two meters from Tyrell." I think you should at least use one period in here, like this: "The boys dropped their bags, Tyrell taking a seat against the wall of the dead end and a well-earned rest. Karis began unpacking the bags, placing the various items in the corner, then began assembling the tent with the components from the bags in the left corner, two meters from Tyrell."
Most of the other problems throughout the chapter are repeats of the aforementioned things and I think you can fix them without hassles. However, there are a couple more I think I should mention. When Matthew told Karis to set up camp, I honestly don't think he would say the word "whilst" so perhaps you should just replace it with "while". I'm glad to see that you know how to spell "traveling", since most people whose stories I've read do not. (MAJOR kudos for that.) But a while down, you actually put "baby's" rather than "babies". I think you should watch out a little more for those silly mistakes.
Now for the things I really enjoyed about this chapter.
I liked this sentence in particular: "Then he realized, none of them had stopped growing up. They were all getting older, and more mature by the years." It really shows how much Tyrell has grown up, then in the following sentence when you explain Tyrell didn't understand the Golden Sun effect 'talk' it showed that he really hadn't changed all that much. In other words, they contradict each other and it's rather neat.
I liked how Tyrell was starting to notice Karis. Maybe it'll turn into a love triangle?
(Wow. I just read all this over and I sound like a total b#tch. Sorry about that. I guess I just get too caught up in some of my reviews. .) This was a really great read and I can honestly say I will be one of your fans for this story. And also please remember some of the things I pointed out are just suggestions - and to each his own opinion - so don't go insane thinking you have to please me. I'm happy just reading what you already have here. Keep writing!
Eh..I really hope this isn't TOO long~.
| Trans-Dimensional Fanatic chapter 6 . 5/6/2011
Heh. I can guess who that's for. Looking forward to the next chapter!